Name Dropping

When I was single, the random hook-up was one of the more thrilling experiences. It wasn’t something that happened often, so when it did, it was new, fun, and memorable. The actual act of getting with the girl was exciting and enjoyable (at least most of the time), but let’s face it, the next best part (or sometimes the best part) was telling your friends about it. Even women take part in this ritual. At brunch, groups of women sip on mimosas and talk about their latest hookups (at least that’s what happens on Sex and the City.)

When you tell a hook-up story, everyone listens. They are curious. They are excited to hear the details. They are your audience. You get to be the center of attention. Maybe you embellish a little bit here, and exaggerate a little bit there. But for those five minutes, you’re running the show, and it’s a great feeling.

As we get older, and settle down with our significant others, we no longer have hook-up stories. Our lives become dull and boring and we must live vicariously through our single friends. It’s quite sad, but it’s reality.

The only experience that’s even close to “hook up” stories is “running into celebrity” stories. And it’s really the same idea. You hype up a story how you shook hands with LARRY BIRD (Name Drop #1), got a hug from CARMEN ELECTRA (Name Drop #2), or how you peed in the same bathroom as ROBIN WILLIAMS (Name Drop #3.) In the end, it’s meaningless. But because it’s a celebrity, it becomes exciting. Just like gossip and just like hooking up. No matter how lame the story/hook-up is or who the celebrity/girl is, people will always listen because it didn’t happen to them.

Some people thrive on telling these stories. It gives them a sense of purpose. They even write blog posts dedicated to their most recent “running into celebrity” experiences. These people are name droppers. And I am definitely one of them.


September 26th, 2009

The Shannon Sharpe Story

I got the call just 14 hours before game time. Without hesitation, I accepted. I would be going to the Red Sox-Yankees game and sitting in $400 seats for free.

Apparently, my friend PA has a remote connection to JEFFREY LORIA (Name Drop #4); the owner of the Florida Marlins. Despite running the team in Florida, Mr. Loria has season tickets to the Yankees because his family lives in the area. His seats are the ones that are always empty because they are too damn expensive for mere mortals. We would be sitting in the Legends section. Today, we would be legends.

I visited Yankees stadium the night before and sat in the normal section; right field; highest level up. I was not overly impressed with the 1.5 billion dollar stadium. It was too big, too ostentatious; I felt like I entered an airport or giant mall. I immediately felt anxious and uncomfortable; of course, I am a Red Sox fan. So maybe it was just me.

Well, today was different. Today, I was rich. Today, I was a Legend. PA and I flashed our tickets and were escorted to a secret underground location. The floors were shinier, the air smelled cleaner, and the people were nicer (i.e. they didn’t spit on me or my Red Sox garb.)

Around the corner, down the stairs, and to the left, and suddenly we were in a giant, elegant, oversized dining room. And everywhere I looked was food; and not just hamburgers and hot dogs. We’re talking steak, another type of steak, and a third type of steak. All you can eat. And it was all free.

PA and I collected food items like trick-or-treaters on Halloween. We loaded up our plates, and carefully headed outside to our $400 seats; 4 rows behind the Yankees dugout.

The view was amazing (I could clearly see all the rolls of fat stored in C.C. Sabathia’s gut), but the food was even better. I felt like John Belushi in the cafeteria scene in Animal House. In a span of one hour, I devoured filet mignon, cheesesteak, a steak wrap, Chilean sea bass, fresh carved turkey, Peking duck, sausages & peppers, a hamburger, a Butterfinger, Snickers, peanuts and crackerjacks, and an ice cream sundae…and it was all on the Yankees. I figured if they can spend $1.5 billion on a new stadium and additional $200+ million on players, the least I could do was consume all of their food.

Pablo, the security guard, approached me as I sucked down my hamburger. He seemed fascinated by me.

PABLO: I have worked here the entire year. And you have eaten more then anyone I’ve ever seen. You’re unbelievable!

I shrugged, smiled, and then gobbled down my ice cream. It was one of the proudest moments of my life.

I later learned that PA and I were on TV the entire game. Every time a left handed batter got up, we were in the background stuffing our faces. It was just like George Costanza at the U.S. open when the camera captured him chowing down on a hot fudge sundae.

Mid-way through my pig-out session, a familiar face sat next to me. It was SHANNON SHARPE (Name Drop #5.) Shannon Sharpe and I used to have a connection. He was on my fantasy football team 10 years ago. Although he has no affiliation with New York, he was somehow a Yankees fan. For those who don’t know, Shannon Sharpe is one of the most prolific tight ends from the 1990’s. He played for the Denver Broncos and then the Baltimore Ravens. In his 14 year career, he compiled 815 catches for over 10,000 yards. He’s listed as 6’ 2” and 228 pounds, but I swear, he’s twice that size, has 0% body fat, and is absolutely gi-normous. His hands were bigger then my entire body.

Shannon no longer plays in the league, but looks like he easily could. He can now be seen doing the halftime show for CBS. He’s the one who can’t speak clearly, and kind’ve looks like a horse.

Throughout the game, fans took pictures with Shannon and sucked up. But I really didn’t care. I was more into the game, and supporting the Sox who struggled against that fat ass Sabathia. I cheered on my Red Sox as loud as possible. If I had regular seats, I would’ve been quiet, but my theory on rich seats was different. If you scream out anywhere else, Yankee fans will pelt you with garbage, and douse you with beer, and you may get arrested by the impartial cops. But in the nice seats, everyone is civil because they’re rich; and because they don’t want to get tossed and lose their precious seats.

I wasn’t vulgar, but I put my hands together and shouted to the players who were within ear shot. Some Yankees fan didn’t like me so much, but they playfully ripped me and it was all in good fun. But the one man who ripped me the most was Shannon Sharpe. If the Yankees got a hit or the Red Sox got an out, Shannon didn’t just clap or cheer. Instead, he pointed his meat hooks at me and screamed. He had more fun mocking me then watching the game.

At one point, I left for more food. When I came back Shannon greeted me with some inaudible comments (I couldn’t understand what he said most of the time) and then a “You suck! Boston sucks!” I was actually quite honored. It was kind’ve a respectful hatred; like a hatred between siblings or rivals. My former fantasy football tight end, and my go to guy on the Broncos in Tecmo Super Bowl, was more concerned with making me feel bad then actually watching the game.

In the 8th inning, Shannon took off. His monster hand grasped mine and he uttered some more playful comments to me. He let out a hearty laugh and then went on his way. After he left, Pablo the security asked me what he said. I wasn’t positive, but I’m pretty sure he told me Boston sucked. He was right. They lost 3-0. But after all that food, those beautiful seats, and interacting with a former NFL star, I felt like a winner.

Theo Epstein Walks Into a Bar

That night, I went out for drinks at my favorite Boston bar in NYC. It had to be 3am when the bartender nudged me on the shoulder and said: “Oh my God! Theo’s here!” Theo Huxtable? Nope. THEO EPSTEIN (Name Drop #6.)

Theo Epstein has been the General Manger for the Red Sox for 6 years. He’s got a dimpled chin, plays the guitar, has won two World Series for the Sox, and he’s Jewish! Every New England man would love to be him, and every New England women would love to be with him.

I’ve met big sports figures before: VINCE CARTER on the film set of Like Mike (Name Drop #7) EMMIT SMITH at the ESPY Awards party (Name Drop #8), AND KIRK GIBSON at Fox Sports in LA (Name Drop #9.) But this was Theo Epstein!

I stood proudly as I approached Theo. I pushed out my chest showing off my Red Sox shirt. Theo sipped on his Bud Light bottle; that’s what I was drinking too! For one of the first time in my life, I didn’t embarrass myself in front of a celebrity. I’ve had so many painful run ins like the times I met LARRY DAVID (Name Drop #10), SETH ROGEN (Name Drop #11) or TOPANGA from Boy Meet World ( Name Drop #12.)

But this time I was actually cool. Theo and I bantered back in forth for a few seconds. He asked where I was from and we made small talk. I thanked him for all the work he’s done for the Sox, and wished him a Happy Jewish New Year. We clicked bottles and took a swig. I offered him another beer on me, but he declined. He wished me a good night and thanked me for the support.

Afterwards, I wondered how many other general managers, coaches or even athletes would go to a Sports Bar at 3 am, have a Bud Light, and casually talk to their fans. Then I realized how lucky I was to be a Red Sox fan even if they do make me cry sometimes.

On the way out, I passed by ANDY SAMBERG (Name Drop #13) from Saturday Night Live fame, but I was too drained to approach him. I’d met enough people for the day.

I mean I can’t talk to everyone.

That would be ridiculous.

The Girl Who Tried To Kill Me

Halloween has always been one of my favorite holidays. Those pagans sure know how to party. It’s a time where women can show off their creative fashion sense, and where men can stare at them without any negative consequence. Women don’t just dress as teachers, nurses, and cops…they dress as slutty teachers, nurses and cops. It’s a great event that should be applauded and expanded in the future.

Now that Halloween is here, I want to share my scariest dating story of all time. But proceed with caution. This story is spooky. It’s creepy. It’s ghastly. And it’s all real.

The Girl Who Tried to Kill Me

October 31st, 2001
Los Angeles, CA

It was a chilly Halloween night in Hollywood. My friends and I ended up at a house party somewhere in the hills. We didn’t know a soul, but it didn’t matter. We consumed the candy corn and the alcohol, and stared at the scantily clad women. I struck out with Trinity from The Matrix, but it didn’t stop me from approaching other women dressed in leather. Maybe it was the sugar rush, the alcohol surge, or the sexy costumes, but I felt a rush of adrenalin and confidence. That’s when one young woman caught my eye and gave me a wry smile. She was dressed as a cat…always a hot costume for a woman. I normally don’t like cats, but dress a women like one, and wow!

I approached Cat Woman by the punch bowl. We both filled up our drinks and made small talk. She was definitely attractive, and seemed interested. The biggest con was that her English was, how-do-you-say, not so good. She had recently moved from Amsterdam, and was now living with her grandparents in the boondocks somewhere just outside of L.A. We didn’t have much in common either. But she was dressed as a cat and was really cute. So I got her number, and we set up a date.

A Few Nights Later

Cat Woman and I dined at The Cheesecake factory. At this point in my life, The Cheesecake Factory was one of my favorite date restaurants. The food was delicious and plentiful (that dark bread is amazing!), and they carried an array of fun drinks. Even if the date went bad, at least I was full, and the bill wasn’t too damaging.

On this night, I enjoyed the chicken picatta while I tried to engage in conversation with Cat Woman. The conversation was stilted, and she didn’t get my jokes, but she still looked pretty good and was pleasant enough. Despite the language challenge, there were still a good amount of flirtations—touching of the arm, eye contact, smiling—we spoke the language of love or at least the language of lust.

We drove to her house which was hidden somewhere in the valley. The neighborhood was dark and the houses seemed to be miles apart. We trekked down a dark, windy road and finally made it to her home. I expected to see a creepy old mansion, but instead it was a regular two story house. Everything appeared normal. There were no signs of red rum, or bleeding walls, but something felt a little strange. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something was off.

We entered the house and there was grandma and grandpa watching TV. They were really old; probably in their 80’s. They followed Matlock which blasted from the television. They were so focused on the old fashioned TV set that they barely acknowledged my existence.

Cat Woman and I gave them a quick wave, b-lined to her bedroom, and began making out. It was hard to concentrate knowing her ancient grandparents were in the room next to us. I could hear them dissect the case with Matlock, and his voice echoed through the walls. I was distracted, and everything just felt wrong. I had to end our kissing session.

I apologized, but she understood. She had a better idea.

Cat Woman: My grandparents will be out of town next weekend. Do you want to come over? I’ll make you dinner and it will be just the two of us.

Jackpot!

That Saturday Night

As I drove back to the outskirts of LA, I spoke to my buddy on my cell phone. He wanted more details, but I didn’t have much. I didn’t know Cat Woman’s last name. I didn’t know where I was. I didn’t know what I was getting into. My friend joked that she could kill me off, and no one would ever know. I chuckled, and tried to respond, but my phone died. I no longer had reception.

As my car crawled up her long driveway, my friend’s warning crept into my head. But I dismissed it quickly. This wasn’t a scary story. There were no black cats. It wasn’t Friday the 13th. This wasn’t Basic Instinct. I was gonna be fine.

I approached the house, and knocked on the thick wooden door, but there was no response. I knocked again, and after a moment, Cat Woman answered the door.

She wore matching gray sweatpants and sweatshirt, and was covered in filth. Her hands were hidden behind yellow rubber gloves, and she wore no make up. It looked like I had interrupted her cleaning the entire house. She did not look good.

Me: I’m sorry. I must be early.

Cat Woman: No, you’re right on time.

I was confused, but I entered and had a seat in the dining room. I glanced around and observed all the basic elements needed for a haunted house…a grandfather clock, a stairwell leading to a dark basement, and the eerie sound of silence.

She handed me a CD which thankfully broke the silence. I slid it into my pocket looking forward to hearing the mix on the ride back home.

It was a nice gesture, but the silence returned. We sat for dinner, and I swallowed extra chewy chicken and undercooked vegetables. We tried to force conversation, but there was not much to say. I tried to rely on our bread and butter, flirting, but it was difficult. She didn’t look so good after her cleaning session, and our chemistry was off.

Finally, she suggested we play a drinking game.

She busted out a bottle of vodka, and a deck of playing cards.

Cat Woman: Whoever has the lower card, does a shot.

Me: You mean like war?

Cat Woman: What’s war?

For the next 35 minutes, we engaged in the most heated game of war that I’ve ever played. I was dubious of this drinking game from the start. In the first 10 minutes, I had consumed 4 shots. This was not a drinking game; it was a drinking clinic. And I was getting killed.

I must’ve been feeling some effects of the alcohol because we actually started talking.

Me: So where are your grandparents this weekend?

Cat Woman: They went to a rock concert in Vegas.

Wait a second. I was supremely skeptical. They were like 90 years-old. Last week, these people could barely move, and now they were in Vegas. Something seemed off.

Her jack beat my 7, and I painfully consumed another shot.

Cat Woman: So…you wanna go swimming?

She nudged her head towards the dark, mysterious backyard. It was 40 degrees out; it was the last thing anyone would want to do.

Me: No. I’m good.

I threw back another shot.

Cat Woman: So…you wanna go see the banana tree? It’s in the backyard too.

What the hell is a banana tree? What is this girl talking about? She seemed really intent in getting me to go to that damn backyard. And now I was feeling a little woozy. Who did this girl think I was?

Cat Woman: So…you wanna go upstairs to my bedroom?

Absolutely!

The steps creaked as I wobbled up the stairs. Once we entered the room, we got straight down to business. I was buzzed at this point. I didn’t care about the swimming pool, banana tree, or missing grandparents. I was too busy making out.

We settled down for a moment and had a little pillow talk.

Cat Woman: So…what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

I ran through the short list in my head. My rebellious side included stealing a CD from a friend, running with scissors, and swimming directly after I ate. I settled with:

Me: I snuck into a movie once. That was pretty crazy. What about you?

Cat Woman: Well, it’s really stupid, but me and my friends… (giggling)

Me: What?

Cat Woman: Well, me and my friends… (pause) …WE USED TO SMOKE CRACK ALL THE TIME.

I tried to stay calm, but I broke out into a cold sweat. My response made no sense…kind’ve like George Costanza when he met the Bubble Boy and blurted out: “My cousin’s in a bubble.”

Me: I heard that can be really fun.

Cat Woman: It got so bad…we ended up in…what’s it called?

Me: REHAB?

Cat Woman: Yeah, that’s it.

That’s when I noticed it. To the right of the bed, resting peacefully on the floor was a large, shiny hammer. There were no nails; there was nothing to be hung up; just the hammer!

Just at that moment, the grandfather clock rang its mighty gong, and that’s when everything suddenly made sense.

DING…she killed her grandparents for drug money.

DING…they are buried under the banana tree.

DING…I was next.

Cat Woman disappeared into the bathroom, and I figured this would be my chance to make a break for it. I put my shirt back on and started lacing my shoes.

She emerged from the bathroom with a smile.

Cat Woman: Where are you going all of a sudden?

I blurted out several incoherent excuses. My heart pounded against my chest.

Cat Woman: What’s wrong? You look like I’m gonna kill you or something.

I laughed nervously and dressed faster. I couldn’t fix the knot in my damn shoelace. Come on!

Cat Woman: If you’re gonna go now, let me…

That’s when she lunged towards the hammer.

I squeezed my eyes shut in fear. My life was gonna end and shamefully so; a victim of lust. I was gonna be murdered and buried under a banana tree never to be heard from again.

As she stretched her arms towards the side of the bed, my body wouldn’t move. I was frozen. I gritted my teeth, and held my breath.

She popped up from the side of her bed. And in her right hand was:

Her fluffy bunny slippers!

The hammer went untouched, and I exhaled.

The next few moments were a blur. She probably asked me why I had turned pale, and why my eyes were tearing up, but everything went silent for me. The hammer was still beside the bed, but I wasn’t waiting to see what happened next. I finally laced my shoes, and was ready to get the hell out of there.

Cat Woman wore her bunny slippers and opened the front door for me. I gave her an insincere hug, and busted out of the house. I sprinted in the darkness towards my car; towards safety. I locked my doors, and ripped on the ignition, and zipped out of there.

I didn’t breathe until I made it to the freeway 15 minutes down the road. I was back in a familiar place. I was safe and sound. Everything was going to be OK.

That’s when I shook my head, and let out a laugh. What was I thinking? This girl wasn’t going to kill me. She was harmless. Everything was just a coincidence; her decrepit grandparents going to a rock concert; her answering the door wearing sweats and dirty yellow gloves; her trying to get me drunk; her insistence that I see the banana tree again and again; her hammer with no nails and nothing to be hung up. I had flipped out and let my vivid imagination get the best of me. She was a good girl, and I had behaved like a jerk. I really owed Cat Woman an apology, and at least a phone call.

The radio went to commercial, and knocked me out of my trance. I reached for my CD case when I remembered the CD Cat Woman gave me. I lifted it from my pocket and placed it in the player. I was curious to hear the mix she had thoughtfully made for me.

The first 20 seconds was pure static. I skipped a few tracks. Still static. Something seemed off.

That’s when Cat Woman’s voice poured from the speakers.

Cat Woman: I was never going to kill you with the hammer. Your food was poisoned. Good-bye.

My body froze. I no longer had control of my limbs. My throat closed up. I couldn't breathe. The last thing I remember is my car veering against the rail and popping into the air. Then everything went to black.

The Real Ending

OK. Here’s the real ending. My food wasn’t poisoned, and the CD was actually an amazing mix of Tupac and Biggie. I made it home safely and called Cat Woman a few days later. I left a message apologizing for my strange behavior and told her I wasn’t ready to date anyone at the moment.

We never spoke again. She probably remembers me as the crazy, paranoid jerk that didn’t want to see the banana tree, and then left abruptly in the middle of a date.

But I’ll always remember her as the girl who tried to kill me.

Happy Halloween!

Tufts University: How to Not Get Lucky Your Freshman Year

All through high school, I heard how easy it was to meet girls in college. And then I enrolled at Tufts University in Medford, MA. My freshman year was in 1996. I was inexperienced, had little confidence, and looked like I was 12 years-old. It was challenging to meet girls as most of the student body spent their time studying at Tisch Library. When I did meet girls, they saw me as their little brother, and constantly pinched my cheeks, and ruffled my hair.

Sometimes, I wished I had attended Florida State or the University of Arizona where pretty girls had loose morals and made bad choices. Tufts did offer some fun; I attended fraternity parties in dark basements, swallowed Jell-O shots, and competed at Beer Pong. But I didn’t stand a chance in the women department as freshman girls were plucked away by upperclassmen night after night. While they enjoyed a romp in the bedroom, I stumbled late night to the local pizza place Espresso, ate a buffalo chicken calzone, and complained to my new best friends how women sucked.

Just once, I wanted to bring a girl back to my dorm room my freshman year. I could’ve shown her my Simpsons tapes, Red Sox signed baseballs, and Dali posters. I could’ve knotted a tie on the door so my roommate knew he’d been sexiled for the evening. Or my girl and I could’ve enjoyed the kinkiness of being extra quiet because my roommate was asleep in his bed just a few feet away. I yearned to do the walk of shame just once to see what it was like. But my freshman year never turned out that way.

As I look back, I realize that the college environment was not the best place for me in terms of meeting women. I found it easiest to meet girls in middle school. There were no games. You simply approached a girl in the school hallway, and said: “Will you go out with me?” If she said yes, you smiled, stood awkwardly in silence, and then went back to your friends to tell them the good news; that you now had a girlfriend.

I even found meeting girls easier after college. In the real world, there was structure, and that was exactly what I craved. Whether I had dinner or drinks with a girl, my intentions were very clear. I wasn’t trying to make a new friend. I was trying to find someone to hook up with and possibly someone to date. And she was doing the same.

But in college, everything was broad and unclear. There were no rules. No structure. It was a free for all, and I was always the last one in line. One moment a girl was your friend, and the next week you guys were hooking up. And the week after that, she didn’t even know you existed. Then she was your friend again. It was unpredictable, confusing, and never really worked for me.

I tried to break the rules, and asked a girl on a date once. She was confused by my question. Not only did she reject me, but she also explained the reason why: “freshman don’t date in college, they just have fun.” Based on that assessment, my freshman year was not very fun at least in the women department.

As I got older, I learned the ropes, grew more confidence, and found meeting women much easier. And although I’m complaining, my overall college experience was great. But when it came to women, my freshman year was tough at Tufts.

As if getting laid at Tufts as a freshman wasn’t hard enough, this national news story broke in the beginning of October:

Tufts University: No sex in room while roommate is present

(CNN) -- A new policy at Tufts University prohibits students in dorms from having sex while their roommate is in the room, according to the university's 2009-2010 student handbook.

The Massachusetts university's formal rule also bars so-called "sexiling" -- exiling a roommate from the room so the other roommate can engage in sexual activity.

The new policy "is really about consideration and respect for others and the need for students to be mindful of their roommates' need for privacy, study and sleep," university spokeswoman Kim Thurler told CNN.

She said while she did not have an exact number of complaints from students about their roommates' behavior, "over the last few years, the Office of Residential Life and Learning received approximately a dozen expressions of concern about this issue."

Callie Morton, a freshman at Tufts, told CNN affiliate WHDH-TV, "If someone is going to go and have sex while their roommate is in the room, I mean I think that's kind of gross. I think it's kind of funny that they would have to make a rule about it."

The new guidelines for students hosting overnight guests say, "You may not engage in sexual activity while your roommate is present in the room. And sexual activity within your assigned room should not ever deprive your roommate(s) of privacy, study, or sleep time."

Other students agree that the new rule is going to be difficult to implement.
"I don't think it's something that can really be enforced per se," an unidentified Tufts University student told WHDH. "I don't understand how that's going to work."

Thurler explained that if a problem is identified and brought to the attention of residence officials, the university will help the affected student have a conversation with his/her roommate to address the situation.

"In some cases, we might intervene on behalf of the student," Thurler said, "and speak with their roommate directly and explain what is expected of them while they live in the residence halls."

Thurler wouldn't comment on possible disciplinary action by the university if a student breaks the rules.

My Reaction

When I read this the first time, I was furious. How could they do this to the freshman? Don’t they know how hard it is to meet girls already? But then I took a moment, and thought about it some more.

This rule might not be so bad. And here are 5 reasons why:

#5 Reverse Psychology

It may actually be easier for freshman guys to hook up with this rule in place. Everyone knows that young people hate the establishment and will do anything to rebel against it. So if “the man” says not to hook up, more people will. Girls will be excited and more inclined to come to your room because it’s “against the rules.”

This was the trend at Jewish summer camps across America. My camp attempted to enforce a stern “no fraternization” rule. It didn’t work out too well. More people hooked up at my camp then any place in the free world.

#4 Tufts Will No Longer Be Known as: “The Safety School For the Ivy League.”

Tufts will now be known as: “The school where freshman can’t get laid…and if they do, they will be punished by their RA.”

#3 More Adventurous and Kinky Hook Up Stories

Since dorm rooms are off limits, freshman will have to be more creative. Students will finally put good use to the library, gym, dining hall, and quad. Games of “I never” will never be so much fun. “I’ve never hooked up underneath Jumbo the elephant.” Everybody drink.

#2 Tufts May Be a Top 25 School Again

Tufts has recently dropped out of the top 25 according to the U.S News World and Report. And the reason: those damn freshman kids are having too much sex. With the ban of hooking up in dorms, Tufts students will finally have a chance to study, focus on their classes, and get us back in the Top 25.

#1 I Will No Longer Be the Only Freshman at Tufts Who Didn’t Get Lucky

Welcome to the club, boys. It makes you bitter, unhappy, and resentful towards women. But besides that, you’ll be fine. I mean, I ended up OK. Right?

My All-Time Favorite 30 Minute TV Shows

Through good and bad, thick and thin, there’s always been one constant in my life. Something that is stable and reliable. Something that showers me with unconditional love. I’ve laughed with it. I’ve cried with it. I’ve cheered with it. I’ve screamed at it. But through all my experiences, it’s always been there for me.

And that one thing is: TV.

I have so many important people in my life, but the one thing that’s always been there for me is TV. When I had mono, I didn’t hang out with friends and family. I watched TV. When a date flaked on me, I could always go home and watch TV. When I needed to procrastinate from writing a paper, I just clicked the button on my remote control, and there was the warm, glowing love of the TV.

Some may think my fondness for television is a bit much; that I probably don’t have much of a life. I’m a couch potato. I’m lazy. I have no motivation. But that’s not true. I don’t see TV as my life, but instead as a safety net. Something I can always turn to.

Television gets a bum rap because it has only been around for about 50 years. When one compares TV to film or books, it doesn’t stand a chance. Film is almost 100 years old, and books have been around forever. It’s like television is in preschool while film is in high school, and books just finished up there medical school degree.

My point is that TV needs more time to prove that it is an important source of entertainment in our society. I’m tired of people calling it the “idiot box.” I’m tired of people focusing on all the garbage it produces. Because when you think about it, both film and books have plenty of bombs as well.

My Tufts Experience

My sophomore year at Tufts, I took a creative writing class. Our first assignment was to bring in a great piece of writing. We went around the class sharing our works. The first student brought in something by Mark Twain. Then it was a piece by Tolstoy. Then, Shakespeare.

Finally, it was my turn. I presented a script from an episode of Seinfeld. The professor looked at me with shock. My classmates stared at me with confusion. “That doesn’t count. You can’t do that,” the professor announced. Why not? She couldn’t articulate an appropriate answer.

I’ll never forget that. That’s when it occurred to me that some people just don’t understand television like I do.

Here are my 10 favorite 30 minute TV shows. My definition of a classic is when…

I have a personal connection to the show and its characters.

I can reference or quote the show.

I can watch the show over and over again.

The show (new or syndicated) has been around for a long period of time, and is not outdated.

To narrow down the top 10, I’ve also created a few rules:

The show must have aired on network television i.e. no cable programming. (Sorry Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Larry Sanders Show, Entourage, South Park, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, etc.)

The show must have been on air for at least 4 seasons (sorry 30 Rock, Arrested Development.)

The show must only be 30 minutes in length (sorry Quantum Leap, Lost, 24, Law & Order, Beverly Hills 90210, SNL, etc.)

Honorable Mentions (just missed my cut):

Family Guy, Family Ties, Night Court, Newhart, Perfect Strangers, Doogie Howser M.D., The Office, Married with Children, Different Strokes, Silver Spoons, Boy Meets World

Without Further Ado, Here is My Top 10:

#10 “GROWING PAINS” (1985-92)

The Seaver family: Maggie, Jason, Ben, Carol, and Mike brought the laughs week after week. The episodes were cheesy, but they were goofy and funny. The show was on a roll until Kirk Cameron became a born again Christian and basically ruined the fun. But Growing Pains had a number of good episodes. The show also must be recognized for one of the best theme songs of all time (“As long as we got each other”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=liFmMcmigsQ), It's also where Leonardo Dicaprio got his start as Luke, and features two of the best sidekicks ever: Boner and Stinky Sulivan.

Favorite Episode: “Do you believe in magic?”

Mike gets conned into buying a magic rock.

Which Character I’d Like To Meet: Boner.

Because his name is Boner.

#9 “HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER” (2005-?)

This is the only new show that makes an appearance in my top 10. I wrote about it last month so I’ll include a brief summary and the link if you’d like to read more.

How I Met Your Mother finally got an Emmy nomination for best comedy series. It’s about time! Does that mean it’s still underrated? I think so.

I first started watching HIMYM 3 years ago. My roommate J-M turned me on to it. I expected nonsense like most modern day sitcoms, but the show was funny, original, clever, and poignant. Although it appears to be a Friends-like show, it actually reminds me more of an R-rated Wonder Years. HIMYM is told in flashbacks and this time Bob Saget is the narrator instead of Daniel Stern. When I watch Wonder Years, it reminds me of my childhood; when I watch How I Met Your Mother, it reminds me of my life today. HIMYM discusses topics such as dating, relationships, sex, drugs/alcohol, food, work, getting older, living in NYC, sports, and pop culture (one of the best compliments I ever received was that my blog was reminiscent of How I Met Your Mother.)

To read more, click on: http://thecorner33.blogspot.com/2009/08/underrated-part-ii.html

Favorite Episode: “The Third Wheel” (narrowly defeating “The Naked Man”)

Ted is on the verge of having a threesome. Did I mention one of the girls is played by Danica McKellar? (Winnie Cooper from the Wonder Years!)

Which Character I’d Like To Meet: Barney Stinson.

He could teach me the bro-code, and how to suit up.

#8 “CHEERS” (1982-93)

Cheers used to be in my top 5, but it hasn’t really stood the test of time, and has since dropped a few spots. But Cheers is still a classic: it’s where everyone knows your name, and they’re always glad you came. It’s also one of the first shows where the setting (the bar) is a main character. The fact that it takes place in my hometown of Boston definitely scores it a few points as well.

I remember watching every Thursday night with my family. I didn’t get all of the jokes as a kid, but I learned quickly. I still recognize Cheers occasionally by making a reference to the Screaming Viking, or calling a fictional girlfriend a Vera. If you know what I’m talking about, you’re definitely a big watcher as well. I was more of a fan of the later episodes so I’d take Woody over Coach, and Rebecca over Diane, but to each his own. Add in another amazing theme song (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FD8ljNobUys), and you got yourself a classic.

Favorite Episode: “The Bar Wars.”

A classic prankster episode pitting the Cheers bar versus Gary’s Old Town Tavern. Check out the great cameo by Mr. Wade Boggs before he defected to the hated Yankees.

Which Character I’d Like To Meet: Norm.

Sitting around all day drinking beer sounds like fun to me.

#7 “THE COSBY SHOW” (1984-92)

Bill Cosby is unbelievably talented. Not only did he speak at my Tufts graduation, but he also created one of the best 30 minute shows of all-time (not Fat Albert, but that was pretty good too.) The Cosby Show was great because it was so simple. The episodes were as basic as Rudy gets sick, Theo fails a test, or Cliff tries to fix the dishwasher. But they all worked because of Bill Cosby’s charm, humor, silliness, and crazy sweaters.

I watched The Cosby Show with my family every Thursday night. I loved being with the Huxtables and all of their friends: Cliff, Claire, Denise, Vanessa, Sondra, Elvin, Rudy, Kenny/Bud, Theo, Cockroach, and even Smitty (played by Adam Sandler in a few episodes.)

The show faded once Rudy got older, and she was basically replaced by the “That’s so Raven” girl. But I’ll never forget the great memories I had from the first 6 seasons.

Favorite Episode: “I’m In With the In Crowd.”

Vanessa gets bombed, and the Huxtables play drinking games.

Which Character I’d Like to Meet: Cockroach.

I’d love to hang with him and write a rap song about Shakespeare.

#6 “FRASIER” (1993-04)

Some might not know, but the character of Frasier Crane spanned the airwaves for nearly 20 years. He was a side character on Cheers, and then started his own spin-off show, Frasier. Not many characters have succesfully pulled off the spin-off show. Joey (Friends) was a bomb, Just the 10 of Us (Growing Pains) never really took off, and neither did Joanie Loves Chachi (Happy Days.)

There were a lot of skeptics when Frasier first came out. I still remember my brother Jon being repulsed by the plot: “Fraiser moves back to Seattle to live with his father. What’s funny about that?”

Frasier defied odds with brilliant writing, great acting, and clever humor. I didn’t appreciate Frasier until 2006 when I dvr’d every episode. I could not stop watching and although my roommates were annoyed, they eventually got hooked as well.

Favorite Episode: “Frasier’s Imaginary Friend”

Frasier meets a supermodel, but has to keep it a secret.

Which Character I’d Like To Meet: Bulldog, the sports radio personality.

He loves sports, women, and being a wise ass. I think we would get along.

#5 “FRIENDS” (1994-04)

Chandler, Ross, Joey, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe changed the face of the modern day sitcom. If the 1980’s were about family, the 1990’s were about singles, friendship, and dating. The first 5 seasons of Friends are up with any show ever created. The dialogue was fresh and witty. The episodes were provocative and fun. The characters played off of each other like they were real Friends.

Chandler and Joey brought us one of the first television bro-mances while the tension between Ross and Rachel was reminiscent to Sam and Diane. The characters complimented one another and every viewer had someone to connect with.

Unfortunately, Friends eventually jumped the shark. Chandler got fat, and he wasn’t funny anymore. Monica went from neurotically funny to just neurotic. Phoebe went from strangely funny to just strange. And Ross went from annoying to well, even more annoying. The actors stared at the camera way too long after a stale joke, and waited for the applause. But it only came from the laugh track.

It was frustrating because the first five seasons were near perfection. Despite the lazy finish, Friends is still in my top 10. There are several laugh-out-loud episodes that can be re-watched daily, it’s got a fun theme song, and the characters are unforgettable.

If you’re bored, try playing fu*k, marry, kill with the cast.

Favorite Episode: “The One with the Embryos.”

This is the classic episode where Joey and Chandler battle Monica and Rachel in a trivia game. The winner gets the unrealistically huge NYC apartment. “What was Monica’s nickname when she was a field-hockey goalie?” If you know this, you’re definitely a fan of the show.

Which character I’d Like to Meet: Joey.

Because I love eating sandwiches too.

Jumping the shark is a colloquialism coined by Jon Hein and used by TV critics and fans to denote the point in a television program's history where the plot veers off into absurd story lines or out-of-the-ordinary characterizations. This usually corresponds to the point where a show with falling ratings apparently becomes more desperate to draw in viewers. In the process of undergoing these changes, the TV or movie series loses its original appeal. Shows that have "jumped the shark" are typically deemed to have passed their peak.

The phrase refers to a scene in a three-part episode of the American TV series Happy Days, first broadcast on September 20, 1977. In the third of the three parts of the "Hollywood" episode, Fonzie (Henry Winkler), wearing swim trunks and his trademark leather jacket, jumps over a confined shark while water skiing.

#4 “SAVED BY THE BELL” (1989-93)

Saved by the Bell is easily the cheesiest show of all-time. It breaks every single rule in TV. It’s outdated, the plots are predictable, the characters are one-dimensional and break the 4th wall by speaking to the camera, the one-liners are painful. But somehow this show is still amazing. It’s about as explainable as Stonehenge or the success of Dane Cook or David Hasselhoff. Nobody knows how it happened or why it happened, but it just happened.

The weirdest part is that Saved by the Bell appeals to every demographic despite the fact that the characters are all wealthy yuppies. Whether you live in the city or the suburbs, if you’re old or young, grew up rich or poor, support democrats or republicans, almost everyone agrees on one thing: Saved by the Bell is awesome.

I watched Saved by the Bell on Saturday mornings and after school on TBS. I memorized every episode and can compete with just about anyone in trivia. (A.C. stands for Albert Clifford. Violet Anne Bickerstaff was played by Tori Spelling. Mr. Belding’s younger brother is named Rod.)

Saved by the Bell was brilliant because of its characters. The smartest thing they did was cast some of the hottest chicks in TV with Kelly the Cheerleader, Lisa the Gossip Girl and Jessie the brainiac. Then they balanced it with A.C. the jock, Zack the preppy, and Screech, the nerd. It was almost what Friends did years later. Every viewer had someone to connect with or dream about.

Some people will never understand Saved by the Bell. But those who do will support it forever. To be honest, I still don’t understand why I love the show. But I just do.

On a fun note, I met Mr. Belding at a “Jurassic 5” concert years ago. Yes, I met him at a rap concert. And I once saw AC Slater at a club in Vegas. I still haven’t met Kelly Kapowski yet, but hopefully one day.

Favorite Episode: “Jessie’s Song.”

Jessie gets hooked on caffeine pills and delivers one of the best lines of all time: “I’m so excited. I’m so excited. I’m so…scared!” It scores very high on the unintentional comedy scale. Click here for the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljtuGoIIKGs

Which Character I’d Like to Meet: Kelly Kapowski.

Because she is the hottest girl that's ever appeared on TV!

By the way, have you ever noticed the amount of hot TV characters named Kelly: Kelly Bundy (Married with Children), Kelly Boyd (Cheers), Kelli Taylor (Beverly Hills 90210.)

#2B THE SIMPSONS (1989-?)

Here’s something that I wrote last December:

In 1990, when the Simpsons first aired my buddy Greece suggested that I check it out. I was 12 at the time. I remember sitting in the basement, glued to the TV. The episode was titled “The Call of the Simpsons.” Homer and Bart were starving and lost in the woods.

HOMER: This is a trap. It's gonna catch us our dinner. Come on, boy. Shh. Just watch.

They patiently wait for their prey. A cute bunny steps into the trap and is catapulted high into the sky until there is a “thud” off screen. My buddy and I burst into laughter. After that, I was hooked.

When my parents asked me how many hours of TV I watched a day, I mimicked Bart Simpson: “6! 7 if there’s anything good on.” I watched hours of the Simpsons; the new episodes and the re-runs. In 7th grade history class, someone taught me how to draw each character; a tool which still comes in handy today when I’m bored. My parents continued to nag me asking how I could spend so much time watching a cartoon.

To further my obsession, I recorded all of the classic Simpsons episodes on one tape. When my Mom accidentally taped it over with Murder, She Wrote, I flipped out. I finally calmed down, forgave my Mom and Angela Lansbury, and convinced myself to start again. After 5 years, I compiled Volumes 1-8, and close to 200 episodes. It gained me mass amounts of popularity as people from college and high school would come over just to watch.

My parents finally accepted my obsession when Time Magazine voted The Simpsons “The best Show of the 20th century.” I knew it since I was 12 years-old.

Something also has to be said for the longevity of the series. It’s been on for 20 years and counting. The show has clearly become weaker, but every time it seems to have jumped the shark, the Simpsons come back with another good episode.

To read more, click on: http://thecorner33.blogspot.com/2008/12/happy-holidays-from-matt-groening-and.html

Favorite Episode: “Homer the Heretic”

Homer creates his own religion.

Which Character I’d Like to Meet: Homer Simpson.

Because we could drink a case of Duff, and then let the hijinks ensue.

#2A SEINFELD (1990-98)

Here’s something that I wrote last December:

Seinfeld was one of the shows that brought my father and me closer. Our relationship revolved around sports, but we also had another thing in common; we loved to laugh. The discovery of Seinfeld strengthened our bond. We split our sides over the expressions Soup Nazi, Mulva, Sparing a Square, the Bubble Boy, and These Pretzels are Making Me Thirsty. At social functions, my Dad and I could integrate a Seinfeld reference into almost any conversation. When my Dad met my friends, he immediately earned their respect by slipping in a line about Man Hands or Vandelay Industries.

It’s still the same routine when I return home. We finish dinner, head to the living room, and watch a re-run of Seinfeld. We know what’s coming, but we still laugh.


Seinfeld insists that it's a show about nothing, but it's a lot more than that. The show gracefully pulls off 3 or 4 sub-plots at the same time, and then smoothly blends them together as one. Seinfeld can focus on the stupid and inane, but it does so with brilliance and originality. Every single day something happens to me that reminds me of Seinfeld. After a while, the show slowly becomes a part of your everyday life. The show is pure genius, and will always be one of the best ever created.

To read more, click on: http://thecorner33.blogspot.com/2008/12/happy-holidays-from-matt-groening-and.html

Favorite Episode: “The Contest”

Masturbation has never been discussed with so much fun.

Which Character I’d Like to Meet: Kramer

That’s assuming he doesn’t take on Michael Richards’ persona and starts dropping “N” bombs.

#1 “THE WONDER YEARS” (1988-93)

I connected with The Wonder Years like no other show. It’s the only show on this list that’s not a sitcom. Instead, The Wonder Years is a coming of age story. And for me, the story feels like my life. When I watched it growing up, I felt like Kevin Arnold. When I watch it now, I feel like I’m looking back on my childhood.

The Wonder Years tackles everyday life in the early 70’s discussing such issues as school, dating, puberty, family, and on a bigger spectrum: politics and the war. Within a 30 minute clip, I found myself laughing, crying, and finally reflecting.

The characters were perfect. Wayne was a classic big brother/bully. Karen was the hippie big sister. Jack was the stern, grumpy Dad with a heart. And Norma was the sweet house maker that held the family together. Paul Pfeiffer was the quintessential dorky best friend. And of course, Winnie was the brown eyed dream girl.

The Wonder Years taught us lessons, but it was never preachy or too on the nose. There were never ads promoting a "very special episode" like Blossom or The Facts of Life. Instead, The Wonder Years was subtle with its storytelling. Many times the characters would make the wrong decision, and the endings were not happy. As a result, it seemed like real life. This was cutting edge because very few 30 minute shows had ever done that with so much success.

I personally connected with Kevin and his relationship with his father; sometimes Kevin would just snap at him for no reason and vice versa. But the underlying factor was love, but they just didn’t know how to show it sometimes.


The Wonder Years also has the best soundtrack of all-time. The show features hits from The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan amongst many others. The music captures the magic of the show. Unfortunately, because of the music, The Wonder Years cannot be released on DVD; it’s just too expensive to pay for all of the music rights again. But that doesn’t stop people from buying bootleg copies online.


I’ll leave you with the last monologue from my favorite 30 minute show of all time:

” Growing up happens in a heartbeat--One day you're in diapers... Next day you're gone--but the memories of childhood stay with you for the long haul. I remember a place, a town, a house like a lot of other houses, a yard like a lot of other yards on a street like a lot of other streets, and the thing is--after all these years--I still look back with wonder.”

Favorite Episode: “Hero”

Kevin fights with his father, and turns to the captain of the basketball team as his new role model. At the end of the episode, Kevin learns the true meaning of a hero. It makes me cry every single time.

Which Character I’d Like to Meet: Winnie Cooper, all grown up.

Her brown eyes would melt my heart.

The Hank Azaria Story

The 61st Annual Emmy Awards were handed out on Monday night. Neil Patrick Harris was an amazing host, and the show was actually entertaining. But when Emmy night arrives, I don’t think about the host. I don’t think about the nominees. I don’t even think about the winners.


There’s only one name I think about: HANK AZARIA.

For those who don’t know Hank, let me introduce you. Hank Azaria is the voice of the Simpsons. His roles include Moe Szyslak, Chief Wiggum, Mayor Quimby, Snake, Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, among countless others. Hank also stole the show in The Birdcage as Agador, the gay housekeeper. He’s amazingly skilled with voice work, is a great improviser, character actor, and comedic presence.


One thing you might not know is that Hank Azaria attended Tufts University, my alma mater. He’s probably the most famous alumni actor, although Jessica Biel attended Tufts for a brief time after I graduated. While Hank is more talented, she is clearly much hotter.

Hank was honored my senior year at Tufts with the “Light on the Hill” award. He made a funny speech highlighted with Simpsons impressions. At one point, while doing his best Comic Book Guy voice, (which is apparently based on an old Tufts roommate) he focused on one point: follow your dreams.

My dream was to move to LA to be a comedy writer, and two months later, that’s exactly what I did.

Around the same time, Hank Azaria achieved one of his dreams. He won his first Emmy award for his role in the TV movie, Tuesdays with Morrie (based on the great little book by Mitch Albom.)

One more thing you might not know about Hank Azaria:

He and I are mortal enemies.

September 11, 2000

The Night After the Emmy’s

It was just my third week living in LA. Everything was new and exciting. We went out almost every night so that Tuesday was not an exception.

We ended up at the Saddle Ranch Chop House. Saddle Ranch was legendary at the start of the millennium. Located on Sunset Boulevard, Saddle Ranch was a safe haven for hot, drunk, easy woman wearing minimal clothing, and for douchebag L.A. wannabe dudes with spiky hair and extra tight t-shirts. My friends and I didn’t fit in all, but man, we had fun staring at the cleavage and the short skirts.

Back in 2000, the bar rules were looser then the women. The Saddle Ranch was often over-packed, which encouraged more fights, more making out, and thus more entertainment. The Ranch had big TVs, big boobs, and even bigger drinks.

But the highlight of the bar was the mechanical bull!

Aspiring actresses in their scantily clad outfits would drink too much, and then make an attempt at the bull. Blondes, brunettes, and redheads would seductively straddle the bull, tip their hat to the crowd, and then start gyrating in slow-motion. If you were lucky, the girls would be wearing extra short skirts or extra loose tank tops and non-existent bras. And if you were truly lucky, those extra loose tank tops and bras would slide off at the same time. It was truly a life altering event to witness.

My friend Matt and I were at the bar sipping on our huge drinks, staring at the bartender’s huge eyes when a celebrity walked in. You can tell a celebrity has arrived when people start whispering to their neighbor and turning their heads. Matt whispered to me so I turned my head.

It was Hank Azaria.

He recently spilt from Helen Hunt, and was now a man on the prowl. The night before, Hank Azaria won an Emmy Award. The night before, I had put together my desk. It didn’t matter now. We were both just horny men in a sea of sexy vixens; every man for himself.

Just a few months earlier, Hank spoke about following dreams and taking chances, and now here we both were at the Saddle Ranch. I had to speak with him.

I weaved through an array of stacked hotties and a couple of douchebags until I made it to him. I didn’t know what to say, but I knew I would include something about Tufts.

I stood before Hank, and things got awkward quite quickly. He was amidst a conversation with a HOT BLONDE. They were flirting, laughing, and teasing one another playfully. I just stood there like an idiot waiting for a lull in the action.

He finally turned to me probably wondering why a strange man was standing before him for two minutes.

So I said what came to my mind first:

Me: You’re Hank Azaria, aren’t you?

A brilliant opening line.

Hank (smiling and nodding): Yes.

He was about to go back to the Hot Blonde until I mentioned that I heard him speak at Tufts. This got his attention, and we ended up engaging in a pretty solid conversation. I told him that I was an aspiring writer, and new to LA. He gave me some advice, shook my hand, and wished me good luck.

I strutted back to my friends with newfound confidence, and they asked me for the details. I was happy with the interaction. It wasn’t life altering, but it made me feel good; like I was on the right track and could one day succeed in LA.

One Hour Later

My friends and I were now solely focused on the hot women riding the bull. We leaned on the railing of the bull rink getting as close as possible to the untouchable brunette doing her best cowgirl imitation.

I wisecracked to my friends saying how educational this was, and how in my next life I hoped to be a mechanical bull. My friends chuckled, but the guy to my left laughed the hardest. I didn’t know who it was, but he loved my jokes. Who was this guy?

That’s when I looked to my left, and it was......Hank Azaria!

He was pressed against the railing himself, but was not nearly as pathetic as us since he still maintained the Hot Blonde by his side.

I cracked another joke, and Hank turned to me.

Hank: So, you gonna ride the bull?

Me: I don’t know, man. I think you should ride it.

This went on for a few more moments until the Hot Blonde intervened.

Hot Blonde: Well, since you guys are best friends, you should both ride it.

Hank and I looked at each other in confusion. Best friends? She waited for a response so we pretended to be childhood buddies.

We improvised a funky handshake and talked about “old times” which we made up on the spot.

The Hot Blonde smiled wide; she loved the fact that we were such “great” friends.

That’s when Hank and I realized the game was on. This was no longer two strangers pretending to be best friends. It was no longer a fan asking a celebrity for advice. It was two men vying for the attention of one woman. Mano e mano!

The odds were stacked against me, but I didn’t care. I had nothing to lose.

When the overconfident Hank headed to the bar, that’s when the Hot Blonde and I hit our stride. It turned out that she was from the New England area, and we knew the same people; an instant connection. (She was also a little drunk so that helped too.) The Hot Blonde also didn’t know that Hank was a very wealthy and successful actor which evened the playing field. All signs pointed in the right direction: she laughed at my jokes, played with her hair, and even touched my arm at one point. It was on.

When Hank returned, he was shut out. The Hot Blonde and I were engaged in a good conversation, and he just stood there awkwardly. He couldn’t get a word in. He waited for a lull in the action, but there wasn’t any. It was just like the position I was in the hour before. Except this time, I was the celebrity, and he was the fan.

I was conscious of this, and my competitive side took over. I was extra flirtatious with the Hot Blonde, playfully poking her a few times. This really irked Hank. He finally got into the conversation, but was quickly cut off by the Hot Blonde when she proposed an idea.

Hot Blonde: I want a picture with my two favorite Boston boys. (Hank’s from NY, but he had mentioned that he went to school in Boston, so…)

Hank turned to the Hot Blonde in confusion.

Hank: You want HIM in it, too?

The Hot Blonde nodded enthusiastically.

Hank and I sandwiched the Hot Blonde and posed for the picture. Right after the camera flashed, Hank turned to me and whispered:

Hank: Way to ruin a picture, kid!

I smirked at Hank, and proceeded to get the Hot Blonde’s phone number. I gave her a kiss, and she motioned for me to call her.

Hank looked along in horror. I patted him on the shoulder and, with my most condescending tone uttered:

Me: Take it easy, buddy.

About One Year Later

I was working as an extra/background actor, and landed on a show called: “Imagine That.” I played “Audience Member #5.” While I sat for hours awaiting my big scene, I worked on a script about my college experience at Tufts.

That’s when the main cast arrived. Katey Sagal of Married with Children fame was one of the stars. That’s cool, I thought. I wondered who else was in this thing.

That’s when my arch-nemesis emerged: Hank Azaria!

During the break, I coolly sauntered over to Hank and shook his hand. I told him we met once before, but he didn’t remember. I handed him my Tufts script, and suggested he might get a kick out of it.

He looked at me with a moment of familiarity, and asked where we had met once before.

Me: A bar called The Saddle Ranch.

A wry smile formed on his face, and I knew that he remembered.

He shook my hand, and wished me luck.

He walked back to his dressing room, and I imagine he then threw my script in the garbage.

Several months later, “Imagine That” aired on NBC, and I made my first appearance on network television. The camera zoomed on me, I made a funny face, and it actually garnered a laugh. It was one of the few. The show was cancelled after only 6 episodes.

September, 2009 (Present Day)

Nine years later, the Emmy’s still remind me of the Hank Azaria story.

In retrospect, I was definitely a little immature. But sometimes, a man’s instincts just take over. Hank Azaria is a successful, talented, wealthy, Emmy Award winning actor. But for one night, none of that mattered. We were just two guys hanging out and trying to impress some Hot Blonde. I may not have the fame, money or awards, but that night, I realized I can roll with anyone.

When I reminisce about that unforgettable night at The Saddle Ranch, I think back to the picture of me, Hank, and the Hot Blonde. And I wonder if it’s still floating around somewhere.

Because I didn’t ruin that picture.

I only made it better.

AUSSIE RULES

From August 4th to August 17th, I was in Australia. I didn’t see the whole continent or do anything super extraordinary (like jump out of a plane or visit the reef), but I experienced a lot of cool things. This is what I learned:

Australian Women Love American Men

Women came on to me simply because of my ‘accent.’ These were two shockers for me: girls hitting on me, and “I have an accent?” I started using this to my advantage; speaking loudly so all could hear. Girls liked me; showed me attention; asked me questions. This never happens in the States. I felt like the cool guy in high school. I enjoyed it as much as I could.

That’s when I realized that foreigners do this all the time in the States. Their sexy accents melt our women. So why can’t the same work in reverse? Being a tourist is an amazing way to meet women. You come across as sweet, genuine, and naïve. You don’t know a thing and you openly admit it; women love that. Women are curious to learn about your culture so there’s always something to talk about. And because of your accent, you can say nearly anything, and it becomes interesting, funny, or charming. Plus, women seem to fall for the guy they can’t really be with. Since tourists are only around for a short period of time, women see it as romantic, and will pursue the man faster then normal. It’s almost like women forget about the game, and just have fun. In the end, the tourist almost always wins; he gets to know a beautiful girl, has some great memories, and then moves on with his adventures.

Austrasians

There were a multitude of Asian women in Australia; I called them Austrasians. For those who find Asian girls attractive, just add an Australian accent, and it’s even hotter. One super cute Austrasian girl told me she was not a big fan of Australian men. What kind of men does she like? She looked me straight in the eye, didn’t blink, and said AMERICAN MEN. I then blurted out: “I have a girlfriend.”

I Have a Girlfriend

As an attached man, I could do only so much interacting with women. But my girlfriend, who’s a bartender, encouraged me to flirt and have some fun. Flirting is like window shopping; you can look at as much as you want, but as long as you don’t buy anything, it’s harmless.

Since flirting was kosher, I took full advantage of it. First off, “hitting on women” is so much easier when you have modest intentions. I didn’t need to hook up and as a result, I was relaxed, and felt no pressure. Plus, I was a tourist which made things even easier. In the “singles” world, I would’ve needed to hook up to show success. But as an attached man, all I needed was the assumption that I could’ve hooked up. I suddenly didn’t need to close which is the hardest part of picking up women! It was like the gimme putt in golf (the ball is near the hole, but not quite in) when someone says: “You’re close enough…we’ll give it to you.” So now when I tell stories of my trip, I can say: “Tons of girls wanted to hook up with me.” Whether or not that’s true is not the point (I’m sure it’s not.) The point is that it was fun, harmless, and I was a good boyfriend.

The Tease

Some women came up to me and commented on my accent. Some bought me drinks. Some laughed at my jokes. Some asked me to dance. I would laugh, flirt, and probably lead them on. In the end, when some made more aggressive advances, I had to suddenly deny them.

I then realized that I was pulling the same moves women have pulled on us guys for all these years. I was such a TEASE. It was frightening and powerful all at the same time.

"Where Did You Get That Shirt, Mate?"

Even one dude came up to me when he found out I was from the States. He enthusiastically asked me where I bought my shirt. “The Gap,” I responded. He had never heard of it, but was eager to learn more. He smiled brightly and wrote down the information. He was mystified and excited at the same time. I don’t know if he was hitting on me, but if people liked my Gap clothing, I was definitely in a good place.

Working Girls

My luck with women even occurred at coffee shops. One girl, in her late 30’s, dressed in casual business attire, chatted me up in front of a café. We spoke briefly, and she asked if I was from the States. We flirted for another minute, and I told her to enjoy her coffee break. That’s when she informed me that she was working; she was actually a “working girl.”

I turned red and grew flustered; I was speechless. She then told me it was legal (it is!) so it’s all good. I regretted not chatting more and learning about the seedy craft of working girls, but I was so damn nervous and uncomfortable. I bolted into the coffee shop never to see her again. (Yes, that’s what really happened.)

This is the third continent where a prostitute has tried to pick me up: North America (Las Vegas), South America (Brazil), and now Australia (Sydney.) The worst part is each time I thought they were non-working girls that truly liked me and just wanted to hang out. I'm the guy who thinks strippers really like him too.

Australian Expressions

“G’day, mate.” Put another shrimp on the Barbie.” “There’s a dingo eating your baby.” These terms were not used very often, although “mate” was thrown around a fair amount. A very pretty blonde explained some other Australian terms to me. A bathing suit is called a swimming costume, a thong is a shoe, and a g-string is a g-string. And yes, I was very turned on by this conversation.

Australian Rules Football

My buddy and I attended an Australian League Football game. It was fast paced, high scoring, and a lot of fun to watch; like a combination of rugby and American football.

During the game, I learned a very important lesson. Never “root” on your team. Apparently, to “root” in Australia means to bang, to nail, to shag, etc. Of course, my friend didn’t tell me that right away. I enthusiastically asked a group of 7 year-old kids who they wanted to ROOT for. Which team? Which players? I told them I was ROOTING on #33. They looked petrified and called for their Daddy. Fortunately, the kids forgot about it, but I’m still a little traumatized.

Which Way Does The Toilet Flush?

About 15 years ago, The Simpsons went to Australia. They cause all sorts of trouble, but what Bart really wanted to know was if the toilets really flushed backwards…

…as a huge Simpsons fan, my first project was to find out if, in fact, this was true. I observed the toilet with great focus and excitement. When I pushed the lever, something weird happened. The water unexpectedly just sucked down in one motion. I couldn’t tell. I was very disappointed.
On a bathroom note, I was interested to discover that Australia is a big fan of the trough; very few urinals. It was like the old ballparks where everyone pees wherever they want; like a free for all. I stood on the divider until my friend said he pees on that too. I learned my lesson quickly.

Australia is Expensive

In Sydney, it’s hard to find a meal under $15 ($13, American.) You can’t just get a cheap sandwich or a burger; everything is pricey and it adds up.

But you save money a few ways:

No Tipping

The $6 beer at the bar is the same as $5 because you don’t need to leave that $1 tip. And why is there no tipping? I met a Montreal girl who was a waitress at a nice restaurant. She told me she earns $24/hour. Wow!

B.Y.O.

Almost every restaurant is B.Y.O.: (they’ve shortened their acronym, but it means the same thing) Bring Your Own Booze! The meals were pretty good, but bringing your own beverage made them great. In Melbourne, my friend and I each had 2 40 oz. beers with our meal. We stumbled out happy and a complete mess. It was perfect.

The Sydney Opera House

I did see the Sydney Opera House which I knew about because it was in Finding Nemo. It was a beautiful site and within walking distance of my friend’s apartment.

Batman

My friend’s apartment overlooked the Sydney skyline which was quite beautiful. The coolest part was at sunset. Not only were there beautiful pictures to be taken, but thousands of bats would fly over head from a nearby park; one of the cooler sites I’ve ever seen. I kept thinking Christian Bale was about to take over.

Hangin’ Ten

Speaking of superheroes, I felt like one when I put on my wet suit to go surfing. They’re tight, cling to your body, and you just feel like you can kick some ass. Then I jumped in the water, and proceeded to get crushed by multiple waves. But it’s pretty cool to say I went surfing in Australia especially in the winter.

Tough Winter

I knew that the seasons were reversed. It was winter there; turned out winter is 65 degrees and sunny everyday.

Left Lane Driving

Driving is reversed too. Every time my friend drove, I shouted in fear at least once: “You’re in the wrong lane…we’re all gonna die.” Then I realized that they drive in the left lane in Australia, and I felt like an idiot.

Hungry Jack’s versus Burger King

I love the story of Hungry Jack’s. Apparently, Burger King sold them their logo years ago thinking they would never open shop in Australia. As a result, Hungry Jack’s has the exact same logos, food, and style of Burger King down to The Whopper. Recently, Burger King changed their minds, and has since opened stores in Aussie. So now there are two nearly identical fast food restaurants with different names. Every time I saw Hungry Jack’s, all I could think of was McDowell’s versus McDonald’s in Coming To America. “Look... me and the McDonald's people got this little misunderstanding. See, they're McDonald's... I'm McDowell's. They got the Golden Arches, mine is the Golden Arcs. They got the Big Mac, I got the Big Mick. We both got two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions, but their buns have sesame seeds. My buns have no seeds.”

I Wanna Go the Zoo

I didn’t see Crocodile Dundee, but I did see a crocodile at the zoo. I also saw koalas and kangaroos. I don’t care how old you are; zoos are always fun!

Taking a Ferry to Work

I took the ferry a few times. The view was beautiful. The mood was relaxing. I’ve been in traffic in LA, and been stuffed in subway cars in NYC. Imagine taking a relaxing boat ride to work everyday. I’m sure it gets old, but it sounds pretty amazing to me.

Jet Lag Advice

Sydney is a 14 hour flight from LA plus a 17 hour jump into the future with the time difference. I left on Tuesday night and arrived on Thursday morning. My advice is to sleep on the plane if you can. With the help of Melatonin and an awful Drew Barrymore movie, I was able to sleep for half the flight. When I arrived, I stayed up the entire day, and went to bed at 10 pm. I slept 12 hours, and the next day, I was on Australia time.

Facebook Friends

When I stayed at a Hostel in Melbourne, I realized how huge facebook was. Every single computer was on facebook.com. And these were people from all over the world. It didn’t happen with friendster; it didn’t happen with myspace; but facebook is quickly taking over the world.

I became facebook friends with so many random people: the Yoga instructor from Toronto, 2 flight attendants from New Zealand, 2 female cops from Montreal, 2 Australian/Italian girls that ran my hostel, and a bevy of others. I even thought about adding the ‘working girl’ from the café.

I’ve always loved meeting random people, and now I have a system to keep track of them. Maybe I’ll never speak to them again. But maybe I will. Who knows where I’ll be in the future? Some people may judge me, and even call me a facebook whore because I have so many "friends." But I am proud of my excessive amount of virtual friends, and look forward to adding more!

A Special Thanks

My hosts, Marcy and Chris, were amazing, and so were all of their friends. They took me around the city: to parties, bars, restaurants, and clubs. They took me surfing; they took me lawn bowling; they made me dinner; they showed me how to cook; they introduced me to Australian coffee. Most importantly, they made me smile, laugh, and enjoy every moment of my trip.

Thanks, mates! You guys are awesome! Aussie rules!

Hollywood Invades Our Basements for Movie Ideas

With the recent success of Transformers and G.I. Joe, Hollywood is rummaging through our old basements, play areas, and toy chests for more movie ideas. This is what you might be seeing at a theatre nearest you.

(See if you can spot which ones are actually real; answers will be revealed at the end.)

Uno (2011)

Tagline: There Can Only Be UNO!

Summary: The best and brightest Uno players across the world are brought to a secret, underground game for the competition of their life. The winner will receive one billion dollars. The losers: death.

Starring: Dakota Fanning, Nicolas Cage, Elijah Wood, Christopher Walken
Directed by: John Woo

The Magic 8 Ball (2010)

Tagline: Outlook Not So Good!

Summary: A group of Spring Breakers purchase a magic 8 ball from a creepy shopkeeper (to be played by Samuel L. Jackson.) Little do they know, the toy store is haunted and so is their 8 ball. Horror takes over as each character falls victim to the magic 8 Ball and its predictions. Will they survive? Don’t count on it!

Starring: Megan Fox, The Jonas Brothers, Samuel L. Jackson

Directed by: Eli Roth

The Smurfs (2010)

Tagline: La, la, la, la, la, la… La, la, la, la, la...La, la, la, la, la, la…La, la, la, la, la!

Summary: The adventures of a mythical race of little blue creatures in medieval times that must deal with each other and humans, particularly an evil wizard obsessed with capturing them for his own sinister purposes.

Starring (rumored): John Lithgow, Julia Sweeney
Directed by: Raja Gosnell

View-Master: The Movie (2012)

Tagline: View This!

Summary: The 1939 toy that produces 3-D images is making a comeback in this science-fiction adventure film reminiscent to The Goonies.

To be Written by: Brad Caleb Kane

Barbie & Ken (2011)

Tagline: She’s blonde! She’s beautiful! She’s Barbie!

Summary: The movie is loosely based on the old Random House novels where Barbie and Ken attend a posh high school in New York City. The movie picks up five years after graduation. Barbie and Ken are aspiring actors, and we follow them through their journey to stardom.

Starring: Katherine Heigl, Zac Efron
Directed by: Penny Marshall

Garbage Pail Kids (2011)

Tagline: They’re Back and They’re Messy!

Summary: Itchy Ritchie, No Way Jose, and Drippy Dan are back, and this time, it’s on the big screen thanks to Judd Apatow. A live-action film follows some of the craziest and wackiest babies ever seen on the silver screen. With a cast of Apatow’s all-stars, this is a comedy that cannot be missed.

Starring (rumored): Seth Rogen, Paul Rudd, Jonah Hill, Jason Segel, Bill Hader, Leslie Mann
To be Written by: Jonah Hill & Jason Segel
To Be Produced/Directed by: Judd Apatow

Monopoly: The Movie! (2012)

Tagline: Pass Go, Collect $200…Just Don’t End Up in Jail!

A dozen characters participate in a real life game of monopoly. Hilarity ensues. The film will be reminiscent to It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World and hopes to star several comedians. The Tropic Thunder trio are already rumored to be involved.

Starring (rumored): Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Robert downey Jr., Robin Williams, Tina Fey
Directed by (rumored): Ben Stiller

Grayskull (2011)

Aka He-Man and the Masters of the Universe

Tagline:

By the Power of Grayskull!

Summary: The most powerful man in the universe, He-Man, goes against the evil forces of Skeletor to save the planet Eternia and to protect the secrets of Castle Grayskull.

To be Produced by: Joel Silver
To be Written by: Evan Daugherty
To be Directed by: John Stevenson

Nerf Ball (2012)

Tagline: It’s Not So Soft Anymore!

Summary: Nerf ball makes a comeback in this feature film. A handyman/zen master coaches a shy high schooler all the way to the Nerf Olympics. There, he must overcome bullies, drug addiction, and his fear to succeed.

Starring: Ralph Macchio, Elizabeth Shue, Pat Morita
Written by: William Zabka
Directed by: John G. Avildsen

Super Soaker 3000 (2011)

Tagline: Prepare to Get Soaked!

Summary: The cast of The Hangover reunite for this action-comedy of epic proportions. In the distant future, evil alien robots, whose only weakness is water, attempt to invade Mother Earth. A group of would be misfits and their super soakers come together to defend the planet and wipe out anything that gets in their way.

Starring: Bradley Cooper, Zach Galifinakis, Ed Helms
Directed By: Todd Phillips

The Answers

I wouldn’t be shocked if everything on this list turns into a movie. (I wonder if I would get a producer credit?) But for now, the following 3 are actually being made. Click on the titles below for more details.

The Smurfs

View-Master: The Movie

Grayskull aka He-Man

Now search through your old toys, and you, too, can be a Hollywood producer!