Thursday, January 24, 2008

The All-Fictional Movie/TV Pro Basketball Team

THE STARTING FIVE

GUARDS

JESUS SHUTTLESWORTH(He Got Game): Jesus is smooth, sleek and skilled; he got game. Just imagine if a player like this really existed (oh, wait...) Not only is he a leader on the court, but he is also nice role model as he raises his little sister and avoids the temptations of the street. On a side note, his rapping skills are top-notch: “I am Jesus/I am the man/I’m tired of these questions/ about my plan. ROLL CALL!


SCOTT HOWARD (Teen Wolf): This kid proved he could play as both human and wolf; a very difficult feat to accomplish since most people have trouble morphing into wolves. Although the human Scott Howard can only use his right hand and can barely make a lay-up, I feel his presence, energy and determination could help make this team (he could easily turn into a Steve Nash.) I love his supporters: Dad, Boof, and Styles (I have no idea why Styles T-shirts never caught on. My favorite was: “What are you looking at DickNose?”) And not only did Howard stand up to Mick at the end of the final game, but he also banged his girlfriend in wolf form---Scott Howard is certified badass, and a guy I want on my team.

CENTER

ROGER MURDOCK (Airplane): He looks like Kareem-Abdul Jabbar, but he is actually Roger Murdock, the co-pilot. When challenged by the little boy Joey, he proved his passion for the game of basketball.

JOEY: “I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense. And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try... except during the playoffs.”

ROGER MURDOCK: “The hell I don't. LISTEN KID. I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes.”

That’s a guy I want on my team!


FORWARDS

NEON(Blue Chips): He is a must play Blue Chip at center. He is talented, strong, and totally raw. Not only is he a freak on the court, but he also is determined to finally change the SATs which are definitely culturally biased.


JIMMY CHITWOOD(Hoosiers): This Hoosier is as clutch as they come. If he has the right coach, he will dominate. A great jumper, and he always wants the ball for the last shot. Mention the picket fence and his eyes light up. His Aunt is attractive.


THE BENCH


SYDNEY DEAN AND BILLY HOYLE (White Men Can’t Jump): This duo ran the table at Venice Beach. They even beat out legendary players King and Duck in a pickup game. They could be the Rafer Alston’s of my team: converting their And1 skills to NBA talent. And although Sydney’s specialty move: the 360-around-the-back-3-step lay-up is a traveling violation, the NBA, with their loose rules, would actually allow it. And Billy Hoyle is nothing but a chicken-wing-on-a-string. His sweet jumper, vision, and defense takes him from chump to champ. As long as he doesn’t bring Gloria “Foods that begin with the letter Q” Clemente with him, he’s in.







RICKY ROE(Blue Chips): Another Blue Chip member. I like him because he had the gall to ask for “ 30,000 in cash, you can put it in one of those duffel bags…” Plus he’s from the same town as Larry Legend. (What a great cameo by Larry Bird. His acting performance rivals his old McDonald’s commercial for the Larry Bird Burger…comes with pickles, onions and lots of barbeque sauce...)





MAX ZAMPHIRESCU (My Giant): A Romanian Giant could be a very intimidating center on the basketball court. I’ve never actually seen the movie, but I heard it is “A comedy of incredible proportions.” What’s not to love!








JULIE CONNOR (“HANG TIME”): Who could forget the girl from “Hang Time?" Although the hoops at Hang Time were only 8’, she still never missed a shot. She learned a lot playing for Reggie Theus and Dick Butkus. It’s also nice to have an attractive girl on the bench.










ASSISTANT COACH

COACH FINSTOCK (Teen Wolf): How can you not employ a coach who lives by this simple creed: “There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.”

HEAD COACH

NORMAN DALE (Hoosiers): Coach Dale pulled off one of the greatest upsets of all time. And although he occasionally goes “Bobby Knight” on his kids, I still think he is the best. To quote Jimmy Chitwood: “Coach stays. I play. He goes, I go.” Coach definitely stays.

This is my All-Fictional Movie/TV Pro Basketball Team: They are invincible!!!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Team Manager/Benchwarmer: I think that Chubbs from Teen Wolf (also the guy who said "Hey!, Its Enrico Pallazo" in Naked Gun and the guy who played Francis in Pee Wee's Big Adventure) would make an excellent 12th man/benchwarmer. His ability to literally pick up any teammate with one arm and twirl them around after a big bucket would lift the spitits of any team. Plus, in the face of adversity (being called a fatboy by Mick), he was able to score under pressure. When you are in deep foul trouble or just need an overall pick-me-up, Chubbs is your guy.

O said...

Jesus you put a lot of thought into this! I really don't think I could have come up with a list this good despite the fact that I have seen nearly every one of these movies.