This column is a mix of stories/theories/ideas/tangents. Enjoy!
A Few Things I learned in Israel
I traveled with my father and his acquaintances from our temple. So basically, instead of going with my peers, I went with my peers parents. We all bonded on the trip, and by the end, all the Moms and Dads handed over countless emails of nieces, daughters, and family friends for me to go out with. So my new theory is instead of actually dating girls, I can “date” their parents. Once the Mom and Dad love me, I’m in. Then they will force their daughter to like me too. It’s like what Prince Akeem did in Coming to America: you get the girl by getting in good with the Dad first.
(***By the way, my buddy EG, the Giants fan, referenced Coming to America before the Giants-Packers playoff game. Prince Akeem predicted the result: “Oh sir, the Giants of New York took on the Packers of Green Bay. And in the end, the Giants triumphed by kicking an oblong ball made of pigskin through a big "H". It was a most ripping victory.” ***)
Women with Machine Guns
Israeli women must join the army at 18. I came across a unit of soldiers, and chatted with some of the girls. I had trouble staying focused: it wasn’t their chests, it was the M-16 machine gun strapped across them. Talk about pressure. I was very nice to them for several reasons, but mostly because of the large gun. Now that I’ve returned to the States, it is so much easier approaching girls: they don’t even have a gun.
Temple Sinai (Sharon, MA) is on the Map
Congratulations to New England Patriot Andre Tippett for being inducted in the NFL Hall of Fame. For those who don’t know Andre, he is a Jew, and will now be included in Adam Sandler’s 17th Chanukah song: “We got Corey Feldman and Corey Haim, and don’t forget about Andre Tippett who’s now in the Hall of Fame—he converted”) Andre is now the first Hall of Famer to represent my temple. Mazel Tov!
Apologies to Dan Duquette
Remember in the late 90’s when Boston Red Sox GM Dan Duquette said Clemens was in the “twilight of his career?” Maybe he was right. A few months after that statement, Clemens got bombed at a Canseco party and “allegedly” started the Barry Bonds treatment. So we might owe Dan Duquette a little apology.
Speaking of Barry Bonds, what is he thinking right now? Most would say, he is happy. Clemens is getting grilled now, and Bonds is out of the picture. But I’m gonna play devil’s advocate. I think Bonds hates being out of the spotlight whether it be good or bad. And now Bonds can’t use the race card. It’s not because you’re black or white. The media is on people like Bonds and Clemens for 2 reasons: they’re the best at what they do, and they’re assholes.
Cheating in Sports
Marion Jones and the Olympics, MLB steroids, Tour de France, the Patriots: The 21st century’s infamous tagline: Cheaters win, but then they get caught or CWBTTGC. I think there’s been cheating forever, but now the leagues and committees are actually enforcing the rules. My biggest fear is that the MLB and NFL will delete the 2000-2007 records off the book. This would eliminate all of the Boston Championships and prove that CURSES really do exist. How f#cked up would that be?!!
The Celtics were winless while I was away. Since I’ve returned from Israel, they have not lost. Lesson learned: never leave the country.
I like the game pieces and the triangular pies. I don’t mind the really hard questions. But I can’t play this game and I’ll tell you why. The easy questions. Like who was the first president of the United States? Everyone laughs. So easy. But then your mind goes blank. Wait, who is it? Holy shit! If I can’t remember this, everyone will make fun of me for the rest of my life. Then you say: “Thomas Jefferson” and mumble it so they don’t know if you’re serious or not. Everyone laughs awkwardly. He’s kidding, they hope. I’m kidding, you say. And you pray that everyone believes you so you can move on.
It’s kind’ve like a gimme putt in golf. “You’re close enough –I’ll give it you.” But what if your friend doesn’t let you do that? And somehow you miss that 6” putt. Just too much pressure. I can’t handle it.
GOOD MORNING!!! HOW ARE YOU! IT’S A GREAT DAY ISN’T IT!!! Shut the hell up. Who are these people? It’s 7:30 in the morning, and you’re all cheery. What are you so happy about? Please go away.
My Dad and I ate breakfast together for 12 years—he’d be getting ready for work, me for school. We both despised morning people. In that time, we only uttered 2 words to each other: Sports Page. Now that’s what I’m talking about.
What 2 Watch
OSCAR GOLD—Jon Stewart should’ve received an award for his hosting duties and his opening monologue. It was pretty funny, and he even made brainless Hollywood stars laugh even if they didn’t get the joke. Although it was one of the lowest viewed broadcasts, I still enjoyed it. This is a weak clip, but it was the best I could find: http://teamsugar.com/user/Vidiot/videos/1069887
LOST—if you never got into this show, I’m sorry. If I were you, I would take next week off of work, rent all the discs, and catch up. And for those who do, and want to know more, check out this blog: http://www.lost-reviews.blogspot.com/
How I Met Your Mother—if you are not watching this show, do so immediately.
The Office on TBS—I just started watching this show in the fall. Thanks to TBS, I am caught up all on all of the episodes and finally saw “Phyllis’s Wedding.” (Michael Scott’s toast, pure genius:
Swoosh! Inside Nike by Darren Rovell: I met Darren through my buddy in LA. He’s a good guy, and his biography of Nike is definitely worth checking out.
Employee of the Month: This is the good-bad movie of the month. This movie should be watched on a Tuesday when you’re sick, and the only other things on are WSOP 2004, HBO’s The Making of Norbit, and re-runs of Full House. It’s not a good movie, or an OK movie, it’s a bad movie. But for some reason, I kinda like it. Tell me if I’ve gone crazy.
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