Friday, February 1, 2008

Guarantees, Predictions, and A Few Other Things


Season premiere of LOST and the SUPER BOWL in the same week: Is this the best week of my life? No, but it could be in the top ten.


Santana goes to the Mets pending a contract agreement. I don’t have much to say right now, but I wanted to write the headline, Oye Como Va.


“But there's a problem. There's no guarantee on the box.”

“Because they know all they solda ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is. Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time. But for right now, for your sake, for your daughter's sake, ya might wanna think about buying a quality item from me.” (Tommy Boy)

Tommy eloquently points out how stupid guarantees are. Unfortunately, Plexiglass Burress has never seen Tommy Boy. What the hell was he thinking? The Patriots take anything you say and put it on the bulletin board. Why would you give them any material at all? Coughlin seemed thrilled: "I will speak with Plaxico in a private way and that's where it will remain." My theory with Plaxico's statement is this: he loves attention. If he’s right, he will be famous. If he’s wrong he will be infamous. What does that mean, in-famous? “In-famous is when you're MORE than famous. You’re not just famous, you’re IN-famous!” (Three Amigos)


1)Manning has not thrown an interception in the playoffs in 85 attempts. (Not Peyton, but Eli…it’s true.) That streak will end because the announcers will state that fact over and over again until he throws one.

2)The Patriots will lose the coin toss. They’ve lost the last four. (Belichick is disappointed with the team’s inability to predict the coin toss despite watching several hours of film. But he insists that as long as they take it one coin toss at a time, they should be OK.)

3)The best commercial will involve a monkey and/or midget.

4)Tom Petty will have a wardrobe malfunction and expose his rib cage.

5)Peyton Manning will have as much airtime as his lil bro.

6)Spygate and BootGate will be brought up 274 times during the pre-pre-pre-Superbowl shows.

7)Happy Madison Productions Strange Wilderness (previously titled Straight to Video) will be advertised 14 times during the broadcast. Each time it will look worse and you’ll wonder if you were friends with Sandler, if he’d let you make a movie too.

8)The winner of the Super Bowl will not score more than Kobe Bryant (he’s playing the Wizards that day and will have at least 40 points.)

9)Tom Coughlin’s face will be red and chapped the whole game, and Belichick will sport his gray hoodie. This will happen despite the game being played in warm weather.

10)I will stop talking to people four minutes into the first quarter; that’s when I go into game mode…


Usually, a great concept. Good food. You meet people. Watch the game. Watch the commercials. Maybe throw the ball around at halftime. But when your team is in it, the last thing you want around you are distractions:

People who don’t know football: “What’s an onside kick?”

People who talk over the TV and think they’re funny: “You call that a commercial…that was more like an info-mercial!”

People that ask: “What do you do?”

Leave me alone. I’m watching the game. I don’t want to flirt, get to know anyone, or discuss my life. I just want to watch the game which leads me to…

…One of my favorite anecdotes. I was at a bar in NYC watching the Red Sox vs. Indians Game 2 (the 13 inning game.) The bar was geared towards the game: tons of flatscreens, sound on, all sports fans (mostly Sox fans.) But once midnight hit, the bar metamorphasized into a fraternity/sorority bar. Girls with skimpy outfits and too much make-up poured in. Dudes sporting visors and polo shirts with the collars up bumped into everything. 80’s music blasted from the speakers. The TV’s stayed on, but no more sound.

Four gorgeous girls strutted by us and sat at the bar. They were HOT, and they knew it. But the best part was, NOBODY CARED. We were watching the game. The girls sat, played with their hair and their cell phones (we could talk about the obsession with texting here, but that’s a whole ‘nother tangent,) and waited for someone to buy them a drink. But nobody did. We were too focused with the game. After 40 minutes, all four girls stood up in frustration, grabbed their coats, and left. It was one of the few victories a nice guy will ever have over a hot girl. When the game is on, nothing else matters. Not even hot girls.

Which reminds me…the game starts in 48 hours. I’ve got to mentally prepare.

1 comment:

Brian said...

I'd a bought those hot girls a drink...all 4 in fact. Then when the game was over I'd have hot women and you'd have your game...that was over. haha.

Oh yeah, here's a superbowl commercial for this year that I found on YouTube.