I have to admit something. I was very depressed on Sunday February 3rd. I needed to do something to take my mind off of football. So…I…signed up for J-Date. I’m actually not embarrassed by it because I’ve done it before. In fact, I thought it might be helpful to assess and evaluate online dating; specifically J-Date.
Being on J-Date is a lot like following your fantasy football stats on Sunday. You constantly refresh the page hoping more girls view your page and you get new messages. There’s a definite adrenaline rush; it’s 1/3 excitement, 1/3 obsessive-compulsive disorder, and 1/3 me being a loser.
Before I signed up for the site the 1st time, a friend suggested I display my picture for free (*he actually met his wife this way.*) That way you can see who views your page and checks you out. As a guest, you can even see who’s emailed you, but you have to pay to read the mail. Within 3 days, I had 8 girls email me; 7 were very cute and 1 was an Asian model (Yes, an Asian model on J-Date, it happens.) She was very hot; hotter than Veronica Vaughn!
So what did I do? What do you think I did? I immediately took out my credit card and signed up. I responded to all 8 messages. Nobody replied except for one…the smoking hot Asian model. We’ll call her HotJDateGirl. She told me to check out her Myspace page which was more appealing than her J-Date page…she was right. HotJDateGirl was Asian/Latina and bi-sexual. Her photos left little to the imagination which is always awesome. Her interests included skiing, skydiving, and having sex in front of the mirror. She also had a Jewish fetish.
Sounded unreal…she responded to two of my harmless e-mails, BUT, the important thing is, she responded. When I finally proposed that we meet, I never heard from her again. I think she was too busy with her modeling career. Part of me still believes HotJDateGirl was real and the other part of me thinks it was probably a middle age guy named Frank. But the question is: how the hell did a hot Asian model like HotJDateGirl/Frank get on J-Date? And why did all those girls email me before I signed up and then none after I forked over some cash? Sounds a little suspicious to me.
Yes, I am one of the few people to ever get banned from J-Date. Apparently, if you send too many emails (like 50 in a day) you get banned from the site. I actually received an email suggesting I mellow out and slow down. It’s quality not quantity. I beg to differ…
The Numbers Game
Much like hitting on girls in a bar, the internet is all about numbers. Let’s say you email 50 girls. My response rate is about 20% so that means about 10 girls will email me back. And maybe you go out with half of those girls at most. That leaves five dates—and who knows how that’s gonna go? (Just keep reading and you’ll find out about some of them.) So that’s why I email as many girls as possible. Maybe I would be more effective if I didn’t use a basic template for every girl (Hey, how’s it going? I really like your profile. We should chat sometime.) But it’s so much easier to cut/paste your message. My theory is they don’t read the messages anyways. (I certainly don’t—I go straight to the “physical info.”)
Yes, I am a little shallow, but physical looks are important. Unless a girl is listed as athletic/fit or lean/slender, they probably fit into one of the following euphemisms.
In an effort to be somewhat sensitive, you can decide what you think each term means on your own:
A few extra pounds
It’s gonna happen when you are online dating.
Girl #1 When I told her I had a background in psychology, she unveiled her entire life story including the time she tried to kill herself.
Girl #2 She was cool until we entered a well lit bar and I discovered she had a modest beard.
Girl #3 We were instant messaging and she seemed cool until...
Me: How was your day?
Girl: It was eh. I was just in class with 30 reggins.
Me: Oh, ok. What’s a reggin?
Girl: That’s the “N” word backwards. Me and my friend’s secret code.
I was immediately offended and shocked. I called my buddy just to make sure reggin wasn’t a new hip rap lyric all the kids were using. It was most definitely not. She wrote me back.
Girl: What’s wrong?
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t date racists.
The Hidden Gem: The Jasian
Every once in a while, something amazing happens in your life. For me, it was the discovery of the Jasian—the Jewish Asian girl. The Jasian is one of those rare combinations which please both the Jewish man and his mother. For three months I had an incredible romance with a Jasian girl. All was fine until she went crazy and moved away. But I’ll never forget those 3 months and being, oh so close, to living the dream.
As a user, you can display 1-4 photos. The major issue is most girls have the 2-face. They look great in one photo and terrible in another. This is what kills me. Why would you put up the bad photo? You don’t have to put that one up. Please stop doing this.
No Picture, No Thank You
Some girls don’t put up photos. Of course just a little part of me thinks: maybe the girl is SO hot, she can’t put her picture up because she’d be bombarded by emails. But 99% of the time, it’s because she’s been bopped by the ugly stick.
My Friends Are Obsessed
My friends that are in relationships love J-Date. They sign in under my name and play “the game.” They love pimping me out; sending out emails, IM’s. Maybe it’s the idea that if they fail, they’re not getting rejected, I am. Or they’re really bored and have no life. I don’t know. Either way, there’s really no way to lose. My favorite time was when my buddy JR emailed a bunch of girls with the same email: “Please acknowledge my existence.” It’s safe to say that nobody replied.
You’re Saying There’s A Chance
One of my best friends met his wife on J-Date so it is possible. Maybe it’s a million-to-one shot, but I’m saying there’s a chance. As long as she never reads my insensitive and misogynistic blog, I should be OK.
A Quick Thought on E-Harmony
I spent 90 minutes on E-Harmony filling out a survey only to discover I had ZERO matches; a definite confidence booster. Maybe I was too specific with my requests as there are not that many Jewish, Asian, bi-sexual models with a Master’s Degree…well…except on J-Date.
For J-Date 202, click on: