Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Red Sox Nation vs. Hank Steinbrenner

As a member of Red Sox Nation, I had to post Hank Steinbrenner’s awesome quote from last week:

"Red Sox Nation? What a bunch of [expletive] that is. That was a creation of the Red Sox and ESPN, which is filled with Red Sox fans. Go anywhere in America and you won't see Red Sox hats and jackets, you'll see Yankee hats and jackets. This is a Yankee country. We're going to put the Yankees back on top and restore the universe to order.” -Hank Steinbrenner

It’s funny. Whenever I argue with my Yankee pals, they always dismiss the hat/shirt factor as a way of defining a good fan; probably because they know it’s an argument they’d lose. So I love that Hank Steinbrenner brought it up. “That doesn’t mean anything,” my buddy JM has told me on several occasions. (Did I mention that JM is both a Yankees and Mets fan…who does that?) Sure, I am a biased Red Sox fan, but even when I walk around NYC, I see more Sox paraphernalia.

Before we delve into that argument, we need to define sports paraphernalia. Real fans wear faded, worn-in hats. Real fan’s shirts and jackets shall have stains on them from overuse. Fake fans will have flat brims and tags/stickers still on the hat. Fake fan’s shirts and jackets are clean and actually smell normal. (If you are confused, just observe a group of New York Giants “fans” and it will be easy to make the distinction. Yes, I am still bitter.)

Red Sox Nation has obviously increased in size because of the team’s recent success. But even during our painful years, we were always the most passionate. And why? Because we’re IDIOTS! We’re the same people that chant “Yankees Suck!” at a FOOTBALL game! If we see a random stranger with a Sox hat on, we say hi. (Ask my friends. I do it all time, and they think it’s annoying as hell.) The same people that create two dozen Boston Bars in enemy territory.** So we’re obviously the same people that spend our savings on Red Sox gear. So Hank can bash us for being irrational, idiotic, and whiny. That’s fine. But don’t deny the fact that we support our team excessively by wearing hats, shirts, and jackets.

As far as restoring the universe, Hank has an excellent point. I will refer to Sports Guy on this one: There are 7 year-olds who have never seen the Yankees win the World Series; that is one messed up universe.

(**Boston Bars: I’ve been to Sonny Mclean’s in LA and I’ve been to a number of them in New York. I’ll use this time to promote Professor Thom’s on 14th St. They helped me with a fundraiser and I’d vote them best Boston bar in NYC. I have one question: Are there any New York bars in Boston? I hope not because if we found out that they existed, they would be destroyed. That’s how crazy we are.)

But it’s cool that Hank spoke his mind because he reminded me that baseball season is coming up. I’m also looking forward to the Bronx is Burning II starring Larry David as both Hank and George.

I’ll leave you with John Henry’s tongue-in-cheek response to Hank’s comments. He must’ve read: How to Talk to a Yankees Fan written by my buddy, Andy Wasif.

"I'm a big Hank fan. Just to ensure he knows how cool Red Sox Nation is, we officially inducted him as a member of Red Sox Nation and we are sending him his membership card giving him access to an array of options including our newsletter, bumper stickers, pins, Green Monster seats and a hat personally autographed by David Ortiz." -John Henry

Opening Day is just a few weeks away! I can’t wait!


gmish said...

"I’m also looking forward to the Bronx is Burning II starring Larry David as both Hank and George."

Now that is funny.

Anonymous said...

I saw a middle aged man on the bus wearing a Red Sox hat soon after reading this column. I asked him if he was a fan of the team. "Not really," he said. So, I asked him why he was wearing it. He kinda shrugged and lifted up his hat to reveal a bald head. Good theory...

Stuff said...

I enjoyed the bald man story. I'll have to include bald men as 'fake fans' especially if they only wear hats to conceal their likeness to Geroge Costanza. Thanks for reading and pointing out one of the huge flaws in my otherwise brilliant theory.