Another guest writer is in the house. Everyone give my buddy JM a warm welcome and enjoy his thoughts on blind dating.
Going on a blind date is like walking into a movie theater and picking a random movie off the board that you know very little about. Maybe your friend called you and told you to see it, but usually you aren’t sure of genre, the length of time you are committing to or how good the movie is going to be. You are willing to give it a try though because it could just be a great movie, maybe even the best one that you’ve ever seen. It could also be horrible and you’ve just wasted your money and a few hours of your time sitting there hoping you were somewhere else, while wondering how your fantasy players are doing and attempting to poke yourself in the eye with your soda straw because you didn’t realize that you committed to the Portuguese version of Rocky 18, The Geriatric Challenge. Thus is the world of blind dating...
As a single, Jewish male (SJM), I tend to get set up a lot on blind dates with single, Jewish females (SJF). I don’t know if it’s the idea that every Jewish person out there is supposed to marry another Jew or that your grandparents will disown you and take you out of their will if you don’t marry one, or just the nature of dating these days. Whatever the reason, everyone seems to know someone that knows someone, etc. that they want to set me up with. They always rave about how attractive the person is, and 90% of the time they are way off - they must be using a different scale of attractiveness, let’s call it the SJFNECAS (Single Jewish Female Not Even Cute At Synagogue) rating system. I think most of you know what I’m talking about.
The other night I reluctantly went out with a girl that my mother recommended. I try to avoid going out with my mother’s “picks” at all costs, but after a while, I tend to give in, because let’s face it, she nags me if I don’t, it’s been a while and I honestly didn’t have anything better to do that particular night. This girl hadn’t been vetted at all by mother (who is quite a sleuth when it comes to most of the SJW in the tri-state area) and I couldn’t find her picture anywhere, i.e. Facebook, MySpace or even Friendster (still good for something, I guess). That’s usually a very bad sign indicating that she lives in a cave somewhere off of the Jersey Turnpike with her fifteen cats and a bunch of stuffed animals.
Now, I consider myself a relatively attractive guy, I eat well, exercise (think Elaine from Seinfeld quizzing the guy about whether he’s “sponge worthy”), am tall for a Jew or otherwise, and am employed, at least part of the year. As a 6’3” guy, height can be an issue and I tend not to date below 5’3”. While having a short girlfriend may be conducive for some things, it can be a bit awkward when we hit the professional swing dancing circuit.
You know it’s a bad sign, as one of my good friends told me the other day, when you are thinking about running away after you see your blind date and before the girl spots you. When she showed up, let’s call her Sally, she was 5’0” standing on a telephone book and her best characteristic was her quiet demeanor. Sally rated a two on the SJWNECAS.
When I tell you that Sally most resembled one of those troll dolls with the frizzy hair that were around in the ‘80’s, I wish I was exaggerating. She went on to tell me that it was the 8th wonder of the world that she was still single (I obviously had a different opinion about that). Sally also shared the fun fact that her dad has a “Single’s Drawer” in his dresser for his unattached socks (I was just as confused as you are about this story) and how her mother spends time yelling at him about said sock drawer because he should be focusing less on setting up his socks and more on setting up his daughter (interesting Thanksgiving Day conversation - “you should’ve seen the two brown babies I matched up this morning - they’re perfect together!”). Needless to say, I won’t be seeing Sally again.
So, where does that leave me? While I am pretty sure that this won’t be the last “Sally” that I meet, I may pause the next time one of my friends has a “cute” SJF to set me up with. I’ll be honest, I’d much rather check my fantasy stats on my couch than make them up in my head while digging a fork into my thigh and kicking myself for accepting another blind date...
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