The following is my top 10 relationship Deal Breakers. Sure, I’d hook up with these girls, but as far as seriously dating, there’s not a chance. And I tried to be somewhat realistic so I didn’t include categories like Serial Killer, Cyclops, or Mermaid.
#10 BAD TEETH
In 6th grade, we all got braces. Except for these girls. What were they thinking? I am not a big fan of sharp, jagged, crooked teeth. I always think of the Simpsons and the big book of British smiles. Lisa needs braces. So do these girls.
#9 GIRLS IN A LDR (Long-Distance Relationship)
This is a trap.
I don’t know why, but I always meet this girl. Her boyfriend is in another city, state, country, and she gravitates towards the nice guy (i.e. me.) You and LDR Girl spend all your time together. You help her move, take her out for dinner, watch movies, hold her purse, and give her relationship advice. People often mistake you guys as a couple because there’s so much flirting. But you’re not a real couple because there’s no hooking up.
Over time, this usually changes. One thing leads to another, and then “Bam!” Now, you’re hooking up. But things get weird when the girl remembers she still has a significant other. Plus, if you guys keep hooking up, she may lose you as a friend. So she stops hooking up with you, becomes more distant, and when the real boyfriend returns, you are put back on the shelf. (Yes, I’m a little bitter.)
At least I learned from my experiences. This is now a Deal Breaker!
#8 HAIR IN THE WRONG PLACES
You can use your imagination on this one. It may be shallow, but seeing hair on the back, big toe, or nipple area, is an immediate Deal Breaker. It is a hideous image that can never be replaced.
#7 SUPER RELIGIOUS
Anytime a girl mentions bible camp, bible group, or bible studies class, I’m outta there. I once dated a girl who I met in a taxi from the airport. We ended up meeting for dinner one night.
When the food came, she stopped talking to me. She put her head down and ignored everything I said. Did I offend her? I didn’t think my Michael Scott impression was that bad. Why wasn’t she talking to me? She then lifted her head up and smiled. She was praying. I then prayed that the date would end soon. And it did! The power of prayer!
#6 CRACK HEAD (and/or other hardcore druggie)
A few years ago I dated this random girl from Amsterdam. For those who remember her, she is the lead character in the girl-who-tried-to-kill-me-story. (One of my all-time favorite stories to be written at another time.) Amsterdam Girl and I had some drinks, and were having some fun. We entered the “what’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?” part of our date. My answer: “In high school, I once snuck into a movie.” I thought it was a pretty good response until she trumped me tenfold.
Amsterdam Girl: It's really stupid, but me and my friends... (giggling)
Amsterdam Girl: Well, me and my friends…we used to smoke crack all the time.
(I tried to stay calm, but I was freaking out. My response would make no sense. Kind’ve like when George meets the bubble boy and blurts out…“my cousin’s in a bubble.”)
Me: Nice. I heard that can be really fun.
Amsterdam Girl: It got so bad…we ended up in…what’s it called?
Amsterdam Girl: Yeah, that’s it.
#5 DISLIKES ANY OF THE FOLLOWING THINGS: The Wonder Years, Back to the Future, The Shawshank Redemption, Town Spa, The Sauce Place
The girl doesn’t need to love these things, but she needs to respect them.
a. The Wonder Years
My favorite show growing up still stands the test of time. Every time I see Kevin and Winnie, I feel like a kid again. And occasionally, I have to admit, I will shed a tear at the end of an episode. I once met a girl who hated this show so I hated her.
b. Back to the Future
This is my favorite movie of all-time. I don’t want to be with a girl who fails to see that this is one of the best written, original, quotable, fun, romantic, funny, cool, and creative movies ever made.
c. The Shawshank Redemption
The AFI has there top 100, but if you were to pick people at random and ask for their top 5, this would make almost every list. So I was offended when I read a girl’s JDate profile that knocked this movie. I actually emailed the girl and suggested she take it down if she wanted a chance of meeting someone. She wrote me back and misinterpreted my criticism for flirting. It’s safe to say that I did not write her back.
d. Town Spa
Everyone from Sharon, MA and the surrounding areas knows that this is the best pizza place of all-time. (Try getting the hamburger and onion pizza with a side of honey mustard. It is absolutely delicious!!!) This is #1 on my list when I go home (#2 is see my family.) If a girl doesn’t like the Spa, she’s done.
e. The Sauce Place
My 2nd favorite pizza place of all time is located in L.A. on Robertson Street. The actual name is Al Gelato, but I coined this place “Sauce Place” because it’s the best pizza sauce I’ve ever had. My friends and I will order extra bowls of sauce to pour over the pizza, fresh bread, salad, dessert, etc. The gelato’s not bad either, but I’m in love with the sauce.
I stumbled upon the Sauce Place on a first date years ago. The girl had heard good things so that’s where we met up. I devoured an entire pizza, a bowl of sauce, half of her gnocchi, and a cannoli. The girl was OK. The date was mediocre. The food was delicious. If you don’t like the sauce, I don’t like you.
Vegetarians I get (not really), but vegan; gimme a break. The Vegan Girl is like the super religious girl because she’s always trying to convert you. I know where a hamburger comes from. Stop trying to make me feel bad because I think they’re delightful.
I was taken to a vegan restaurant in LA which was revolting. This is what I don’t get about these meat-hating tree huggers. They hate meat, but the entire menu featured meat-like products. The beatnik waitress suggested I try the Bacon Double Cheese burger or the Triple Chili Tacos. “It tastes just like the real thing.” How would you know? It was disgusting. She also suggested that Janeane Garofalo was really funny.
I don’t want to be ignorant, but these people just weird me out. If I had to choose between dating a vegan or attending a WNBA game, I would go WNBA. Deal Breaker!
There’s no way I could put up with a Bush lovin’, Nascar watchin’, Fox News supportin’, Rush Limbaugh listenin’, democrat hatin’, gun totin’, ultra-religious, right wing, pro-war, ignoramus unless she was really, really hot. But in the end, my Mom would disown me, and I respect her too much to put her through something like that. Republican is an official Deal Breaker.
#2 CIGARETTE SMOKER
I once dated a cool German girl who was a cigarette smoker. She was very nice, but her kiss kind’ve tasted like an ashtray. I avoided ending it for a while, but eventually I had to break up with her. She was also anti-Semitic, but it was really the smoking that got in the way.
On a side note, it’s great that smoking has been banned in most bars/restaurants in the country. No more second-hand smoke. No more smoky clothes. No more chronic bronchitis. There is still the occasional smoker that complains about the rule. What’s wrong with second-hand smoke, right? As Seinfeld once put: “I second-hand smoke 2 packs a day.”
Here is my rebuttal: Second-hand smoke is the equivalent of me eating dinner, and occasionally flinging food towards your face. Even if it’s unintentional, it’s still uncomfortable, annoying, and messes up your clothes. I experimented with this once, and it was not a positive experience for anyone involved.
I also enjoy making the “I-think-I’m-going-to-die-face” when I pass by smokers. As I walk by a smoker, I occasionally cover my mouth with my shirt and start coughing. I just like making them feel as uncomfortable as I feel inhaling their smoke. Real mature, I know. But it’s the little victories that keep me going.
#1 YANKEES FAN
When people ask me about my background, this is my response: My ethnicity is Jewish and my religion is Boston sports. I am not that religious, but when it comes to Boston sports (especially the Red Sox), I am ultra orthodox—the highest degree. Some of my beliefs may seem extreme, but that’s how I was raised, and I’m not changing now.
Now imagine matching up an orthodox Jew with a practicing Catholic (or any other religion you’d like to fill in.) It just doesn’t work. And let me make it clear: we’re not talking about the girl that likes the Yankees because she thinks Jeter is hot. Over time, those girls can be converted. We’re talking about the chick with the New York accent who grew up sitting on her grandfather’s lap watching Don Mattingly win batting titles. She knows the players, the stats, and she hates the Red Sox. Sure, the hostility would make for amazing sex, but over time, I would lose my mind. Plus, in this case, my Dad/brothers would disown me. Deal Breaker!
Ken Griffey Jr.: All Class
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