Take Zohan’s advice and don’t mess with him. In fact, stay far, far, far, far away.
On Sunday afternoon, I was persuaded to see You Don’t Mess with the Zohan. I was offered a free ticket, a bag of popcorn, and a candy to be named later. I figured it would be a stupid movie, but at least provide me with a few laughs.
Zohan didn’t have much going in its favor from the beginning. My theatre didn’t have air conditioning and I was melting like a snow cone in Phoenix. But at least the theatre attendants graciously offered us a complimentary cup of tap water so that made me feel better. The guy next to me belonged in movie jail as he was texting throughout the previews and the movie. I was enraged at first, but this movie was so bad, I soon envied the texter. At least, he was kind’ve having a good time.
I am not going to bore you with the painful details of why you won’t like this movie. Instead, I’ll focus on why you might like it.
You will enjoy this movie if you…
#1 …like multiple jokes about hummus.
#2 …like multiple jokes about hackey Sack.
#3 …like multiple jokes about old women (60-90) having sex.
#4 …are an idiot.
#5 …like multiple jokes using the word fagela.
#6 …like multiple jokes about big crotches.
#7 …like multiple jokes about haircuts.
#8 …are on a serious amount of drugs (but that’s still a maybe.)
#9 …like 5 minute SNL sketches being extended to 2 hours.
#10…liked Little Nicky.
Here’s the Pitch
Sandler: Boy, do I got a movie for you. You ready for this?
The greatest Israeli soldier gives it all up so he can
be a hair dresser.
Studio: That’s brilliant Adam, but it needs something more.
Sandler: He’s got a really big crotch.
Studio: That’s GOLD! Now all we need is a really crappy title,
and we’re all set.
The Chris Rock Curse
Just to ensure that this movie would be bad, Chris Rock makes a cameo. At least Rock is consistent and can now add Zohan on his list of horrendous movies. Zohan joins Head of State, Bad Company, I think I Love My Wife, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Osmosis Jones, AI (Artificial Intelligence), Down to Earth, Lethal Weapon IV, Beverly Hills Ninja, Dogma, and Sergeant Bilko.
The Joke’s On Us
Is it possible that Sandler is trying to make the worst movies possible? In 20 years, Adam Sandler is going to accept his lifetime achievement award and he will admit that he made a bet with the studios. The wager being that he and his buddies could make the most idiotic movies possible, and people would still see them (Zohan has earned 70 million in 2 weeks.) Then he will laugh at us, make another bad movie, and we will all see it.
We need to take a stand, people, and not see his movies anymore. I know how hard it is to resist. You keep thinking it could be another Billy Madison or Happy Gilmore. And those commercials are tantalizing—Sandler’s one-liners and ass-kicking is just a ploy. There’s no story. There’s no plot. There’s no laughs. We need to take a stand. Stop Supporting Sandler!
Trivia Q&A: July 29
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