Monday, July 28, 2008

The Pick Up Scene/Baseball Dictionary Part I

It’s interesting how the pickup scene and baseball go hand in hand. As a kid, one of the first things you learn are the bases. (What base you got to on the 8th grade trip could alter your popularity forever.) Like it or not, we all partake in the “game.” We have our own styles, methods, ethics, and routines when it comes to meeting girls. Some of us are successful (the player), some of us are mediocre (the nice guy), and some of us are terrible (the awkward guy.)

So I’ve decided to create a pick up scene/baseball dictionary. I’ve used famous baseball pitchers as a way to define almost every type of guy. For example, Will Ferrell from Wedding Crashers would be a Roger Clemens. He’s unethical, a complete scumbag, but one of the best pick-up artists on the scene. He’ll do anything to win/hook up and usually does.

This will be a 3 part series for the next 3 days. I am looking forward to including your contributions so post comments or email me accordingly. My buddy GS is responsible for part III which will be posted on Wednesday.

Without Further Ado, Here is Part I…

Roger “The Rocket” Clemens

The Rocket is arguably the best pitcher of all time. But his legacy has been tarnished with being linked to steroids. Plus, his loyalty is in question after he spurned the Red Sox by playing and winning the World Series’ for the Yankees. Plus, he’s kind of a dick.

A Clemens is a complete scumbag. He will do whatever it takes to pick up women and is almost always successful. He’ll use any method, angle, and/or scheme to hit his target. Keep him away from your Mother and sisters. Prime examples include Will Ferrell from Wedding Crashers, Stifler from American Pie, and Barney from How I Met Your Mother.

Tim Wakefield

The knuckleballer can’t throw faster than 70 mph. It looks like he’s not doing anything, but somehow he’s been in the league for 15 years, and is a consistent and proven winner.

A Tim Wakefield appears to be nothing special. He is not particularly good looking, doesn’t dress very well, doesn’t have a great job. It looks like he has no game, but somehow he hooks up all the time. When people say: “How did a guy like him and end up with a girl like that?” That’s a Tim Wakefield!

Bret Saberhagen (1997-2001)

A great pitcher who could never get past the 6th inning late in his career because of a low pitch count.

A Bret Saberhagen can approach a girl at a bar and talk to her for a while. But for some reason, he rarely finishes what he’s started meaning he can’t get her phone # or take her home to seal the deal.

Mariano Rivera

Arguably the best closer of all time.

This is the guy who could come in 5 minutes before closing time and pick up a chick. He tends to steal girls from Bret Saberhagen’s who can’t close.

John Rocker

Had a couple of decent seasons, but is infamously known for his racist and vulgar comments in a Sports Illustrated interview.

A John Rocker is just an asshole; he’s always knocking into people, spilling beer, starting fights (probably because he hasn't been laid in a long time), and saying moronic statements that make everyone feel uncomfortable.

Rod Beck

A great reliever who was known for drinking and smoking in the bullpen. He also had an awesome mullet!

A Rod Beck occasionally hooks up, but he doesn’t give a crap just as long as he’s wasted and having fun. Or if you have a sweet mullet, you’re definitely a Rod Beck.

Orel Hershiser

A perennial All-star and all-around good guy. He even received the “nice guy” award on the Cleveland Indians in 1997.

So an Orel Hershiser is the nice guy of the group. He makes sure everyone is having a good time. Many times he apologizes to girls for the behavior of the Rod Beck’s and the Roger Clemens’ in his crew. (But not for the John Rocker's because nobody likes that guy.)

Mitch Williams

He had a great career but will only be remembered for letting up the game winning World Series clinching home run to Joe Carter.

So a Mitch Williams is the guy who hooks up a lot but is only remembered for one infamous, terrible, inexcusable hookup (possibly a heavy-set girl with an eye patch.)

Carl Pavano

A talented pitcher who is always hurt and can never play.

This is the guy who’s got game, but he never comes out. He always has an excuse: "I had to stay late at work, I’m too tired; I sprained my vagina." This can also be used for the guy with the girlfriend or wife. "I can’t come out because I have to redecorate the apartment, try on wedding dresses, go to dinner with the in-laws." Stop being such a Carl Pavano and come out for a night!

Anthony Young

From 1992-93, he set the infamous record of losing 23 straight decisions for the New York Mets.
This guy is disastrous with women. He is terrrrrrible. All of his stories are painful, embarrassing, and just awful. Think Mikey from Swingers when he leaves 9 consecutive messages on some girl’s answering machine. That would be an Anthony Young.

Curt Schilling

One of the most successful pitchers in the last 20 years; he’s helped Arizona and Boston win World Series. There’s a debate on whether he’s one of the most clutch pitchers of all time. But one thing everyone agrees on is that Curt is a loudmouth and always has got something to say.

This is the guy who hooks up, brags to his friends, and then never shuts up about it. He even keeps a blog of his latest conquests.

All-Star Game Pedro Martinez

He set a record for striking out 4 straight in the 1999 All-Star Game. But while doing so, he threw out his arm.

This guy is an amazing opener. He can approach anyone: models, 10s, porn stars, groups of hotties, but he uses up all his material so quickly, that after 15 minutes, he has nothing left to say.

John Smoltz

Smoltz has been a successful starter and closer for the Braves for almost 20 years. He has done whatever the team has asked him to do without a fuss.

A John Smoltz can hook-up in a number ways, but he’d be willing to drop a girl in a second to help out one of his friends. A real team player.

Don Larsen

The only pitcher to pitch a perfect game in the World Series

If you complete an impossible, like the coveted 3some, you’re a Don Larsen.

To Be Continued....

For Part II, click on:


Anonymous said...

How 'bout Bobby Jenks? He's the fat guy who, despite appearances, manages to seal the deal.

He is a virtual planetoid.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious! I hope I'm a Tim Wakefield, but I'm worried I'm really a John Rocker.

chicamom85 said...

I love baseball and this is enjoyable reading. Thanks