Wednesday, August 13, 2008

J-DATE 202

For those who don’t know, J-Date is a Jewish online dating website. My first experiences are chronicled in the February archive: J-DATE 101. Definitely check that out first—it’s one of my favorite posts:

http://thecorner33.blogspot.com/2008/02/j-date-101.html

I’ve been meaning to write a follow-up for months now so most of these experiences are a little dated.

What Happened Last Night?

Signing up for an online dating site is a lot like the drunk phone call to an ex. You usually do it while intoxicated. You usually do it after an unsuccessful night of trying to pick up the ladies. You’re drunk, lonely, and not thinking straight. The next morning, you wake up and feel awful. You rub your eyes, and then see your credit card lying next to your computer. You shake your head and click on the computer and the screen says: “Thank you for signing up with J-Date.” Then you think to yourself: What happened last night?

I tried J-Date in the past and I was not a big fan (once again, check out J-DATE 101: http://thecorner33.blogspot.com/2008/02/j-date-101.html ) But I’m a big believer in second chances and that’s one of the reasons why I signed up again (that and alcohol.) One of my best friend’s met his wife on here, so why not.

I was proactive on the site: I exchanged a few emails, instant messages, and phone numbers. I went on some mediocre dates, but there were no sparks.

Let’s Get Married

Then J-Date started pissing me off. Most of the girls I met were overeager to talk about marriage and babies. That’s not a huge turn on for me. Here’s a real IM exchange—I’m BillyMadison. I’ve slightly altered both names to prevent stalking.

BillyMadison: how do you like jdate?

loriFF: i never liked it before, but now i have a new perspective… i am using it for what it is, and thinking only positively

BillyMadison: its always good to think positively

loriFF: agreed… i always thought so poorly of it and when i went on dates, i thought like that…how do you like it?

BillyMadison: it's ok…this is actually my last nite as a member

loriFF: think positively we may get married…haha… :)

It’s safe to say that we did not get married.

The Screen Name

Being obsessed with TV, I initially based all my profile names on well known television characters. Here were the results.

Alex P Keaton (Family Ties)…too obscure. Most girls didn’t recognize this reference, and those that did, assumed I was a republican.

Kevin Arnold (The Wonder Years)…too cute. Girls knew this one, but for some reason, it didn’t get many responses. Maybe they thought I’d only date brown eyed girls named Winnie.

Seth Cohen (The O.C.)…too real. Considering this is a generic Jewish name, girls actually thought my name was Seth Cohen.

Doogie Howser (Doogie Howser, M.D.)…too inaccurate. Girls liked this because they thought I was a rich doctor and a genius. They responded to my emails until they learned that I was neither a physician nor a child prodigy.

I finally settled on Billy Madison…girls seemed to respond favorably to this one. It worked well because girls could use movie quotes as ice breakers. And anyone that tells me that chlorophyll is more like Bore-o-phyll scores at least a few points with me.

Please Stop E-Mailing Me

One day, I received an E-card from this nice Israeli girl. It was a picture of two champagne glasses toasting and it read: “We should chat sometime.”

I looked up her profile. Despite the fact that she couldn’t spell, she was cute, and I was excited. I sent her a short response saying that I’d love to chat.

The next day I received the same E-Card from the Israeli girl. “We should chat sometime.” I wrote back: “That’s cool. Just e-mail me.”

The E-cards kept coming every day. My warm replies turned into agitation: “Stop e-mailing me.” “Leave me alone.” “I dislike you.”

After receiving 7 more E-cards with the same message, I resorted to a first. I wrote to J-Date headquarters and reported “abuse.”

This was the response from J-Date:

Hi BillyMadison, Thank you for your report of member 112917872. In review of this profile, I have found that it is in violation of our terms of use and has been removed from our site. Thank you for your help!

Karen G

This Isn’t MySpace

The whole incident reminded me of MySpace when you get random friend requests from hot girls wearing nothing. My first scantily clad friend request on MySpace was from a girl named Amanda. I looked at the pic (a blonde posing in a thong), and thought to myself: I knew an Amanda way back in the day, and maybe this is her (and man, she looks really good.) Yes, I am slightly naïve. So I approved her as a friend but nothing happened. A few hours later, I got several phone calls from friends letting me know that I had sent porn to everyone. Good old MySpace.

I still get the myspace spam emails, and now I almost always delete them immediately (although sometimes, I do look at the picture first.) But to get crap like that on a pay site is unacceptable. MySpace is free. J-Date is actually pretty expensive. And if J-Date is gonna let it happen, at least make the girls really, really hot.

The Real “Fake” Profile

I knew I had to get off when I was receiving a series of obvious fake emails. Every day I signed in, I had a new “flirt” from an 18 year-old model from either Los Angeles or San Francisco (and I live in NY.) I’m a decent looking guy so a few of those might have been real (insert joke here), but we’re talking about 15-20 girls. Their profiles would clearly make no sense.

There would only be one picture and it would display a gorgeous, ethnic beauty. I guess making her exotic pulls the Jewish guys in even more. For some reason, she’s always posing by the beach or somewhere outside. She’s super hot; almost like she was cut out of a magazine. (i.e. George Costanza’s “dead fiancee” picture that gets him into the “forbidden city.”)

Here are three real “fake” accounts. (If you want to see the pictures, go to Jdate.com, and search for the profile number below.)

Example #1

Profile: 113468836

About me: I am new to this; I'm 5'4, bi-sexual (Prefer men) with blown eyes, brown hair and a HUGE libido!

I keep Kosher: At home and outside
I go to Synagogue: Every Shabbat
My ethnicity is: Mixed Ethnic
My Religion: Modern Orthodox

This girl is perfect. Not only is she bi-sexual, have a huge libido, and have a mixed ethnicity (did I mention she’s bi-sexual?), but she also keeps a Kosher home. Amazing!

Example #2

Profile: hawa1008

About me: My name is hawa. I am single and looking for a serious .I have no kids and i am alone.I am kind,caring,sincere, gentle and honest.

At least she’s honest. Sure, she can’t construct a sentence. But check out that picture. What an exotic beauty!

Example #3

Profile: 113967897

About me: I am sweet, and sensitive. I am all about fun!!! I am honost, and fun! I am unique and fun loving.

I keep Kosher: To some degree
I go to Synagogue: On High Holidays
My Religion: Another Stream
My Education: JD/Ph.D/Postdoctoral
Occupation: Fashion/Style/Modeling/Apparel/Beauty

I think this girl is FUN. She only mentions it 3 times. If you look closely, you’ll notice she occasionally keeps kosher and goes to temple. Of course, she also follows another stream of religion. That must get hard to balance. And the best part about this girl: she is a model and has a P.H.D. She’s perfect!

An Anomaly

I have to admit that I did meet one amazing girl on J-Date. It didn’t work out romantically, but I now consider her one of my good friends.

Now I’ll go back to bashing the site.

Time To Go


After all of the experiences from above and from J-Date 101, my patience ran thin. I was tired of meeting girls who openly spoke about marriage and babies. I was tired of examining false profiles and receiving fake e-mails. I was tired of spending $40/month.

I decided that I was done with on-line dating. All was fine until a few months ago. I was in a dry spell with women. I went to a bar, drank a little too much, and got rejected by several women. I got home and passed out on my bed.

When I woke up, I saw it again. My credit card rested comfortably next to my computer. I clicked on the screen and it read: “Thank you for signing up with Match.com.”

Here we go again…

9 comments:

FlameRocker said...

Even though I am not myself Jewish, this was funny, I guess dating websites are like that occasionally, there are the few who meet the one, and the majority who meet some weirdos and stalkers.
But we sign up thinking that this time it really is our turn.
I myself Met my fiancé online, but I didn't meet him through a dating site, so it's kinda different, and we only spoke briefly before we met, so technically I'm not sure it really counts!
You're funny, so I'll be checking back, and I might even do a blog entry on this subject.

=)

John said...

This was a good, funny read. Sorry you had such bad luck. Match.com is not good. Make sure to keep an eye on your CC statement because they'll keep charging you long after you think your account has run it's course. Can't wait to read your Pineapple Express review next. Thanks.

Nick said...

I just read your response to my question and I thank you very much for your advice. I would like to ask you for a small favor, and you do not have to worry about doing it right away. If you can maybe go through some of my reviews and give me some pointers about my writing, things you like, things I need to fix, anything, it would be very much appreciated. I want to do all that I can to become great. I suggest reading my recent reviews, as my older ones are very short and I consider them to be my weakest posts.

A Beautiful Contradiction said...

Kudos on the Billy Madison name. "He called the shit poop!" Classic.

I am incredibly leery of dating websites. With my luck, I would end up with some freak who would stalk me for the rest of my life. Even though I am a bitch, those are the guys I tend to attract. Lucky me.

Nice blog -- you're hilarious.

Shiksa Goddess said...

Love your post!

I hope I have better luck on jdate...but eh...we shall see.

It all makes a good story doesn't it?

orthorim said...

Quick question: Is JDate sending out spam emails? I got an email from them saying I signed up, except the name is not my name. But it's paid for a month.

So either this is an elaborate spam, or somebody signed up drunk and entered the wrong email. Apart from the fact that I am not jewish and already married, the person signing up also appears to be a woman so now I get lots of emails about jewish guys. Great!!!!

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