Sunday, September 28, 2008

Little Things That Annoy Me

This afternoon I was on HOLD with the cable company. I expected someone to pick up after 5 or 10 minutes. Nothing. So I waited another 30 minutes. Still nothing. At this point, I had to make a decision. Hang up and call later, or stay on for the long haul. I elected to sit and wait as I had nothing to do anyways.

But after a period of time, I reached my limit. I was on hold for 1 hour, 47 minutes, and 14 seconds. I memorized all the service announcements as well as the hideous hold music. I just couldn’t take it anymore. The worst part is that I’ll have to call back and wait again. I took a picture of my cell phone's “hold time" for evidence. Maybe I’ll send it in with a complaint letter and get a few months of cable for free.

After I hung up, I was angry, annoyed, and stressed. It ruined my day. I wish I could let things slide off my back, but stupid things like this really piss me off. Then, I started thinking of all the little things that annoy me.

Here is that list (I didn’t include 'people that annoy me' because that’s a different post entirely.)

Little Things that Annoy Me

1) Pennies & Loose Change

When the register flashes $4.03, and all I have is a $5 bill, my heart sinks. Now I have to carry around loose change for the rest of the day. The change then jingles wherever I go which is incredibly annoying. Most of the time it ends up lying in my change bin on my desk for the next several years. It is a complete waste.

As far as pennies, they are completely unnecessary. Sure, they are good to throw into a fountain, find for good luck, or put on the train tracks, but besides that, they are useless. They are inconvenient, occasionally rusty, and quite annoying. I tip my hat to the storekeepers who accept a dollar on a charge that’s really $1 and 3 cents. They should be applauded and rewarded for their attempt to eliminate the penny as well as loose change.

2) No Free Refills

First off, I never understood why people would order a more expensive large soda, when they could just refill the small ones for free. It makes no sense. But what is worse are basic restaurants/pizza places/fast food joints that don’t allow for free refills. You will rarely find them, but when they pop out, you will be very annoyed. Many times, it’s not even advertised that they don’t provide free refills. Four sodas later, and your bill is fattened by $12 dollars. What the hell? I have very little respect for restaurants that have ignored our rights to free refills.

3) Pens Not Working

You’re on the phone. You just want to jot down an important message. You take out your pen. It works for a second before it fades away. What the hell? It just worked in a minute ago. Then you bend, twist, and shake the pen hoping something will happen. Many times this works, but by the end you’re very annoyed. At least you fixed it. Then mid-way through writing, it dies again. We can put a man on the moon, but we don’t know how to make pens that consistently work. This is a travesty.

4) Broken Earphones

Without hyperbole, this is one of the worst things ever! You’re ready to go for a jog, or you’re on a long ride somewhere. You slip on your earphones, turn on your ipod, and sound only comes from one ear. You convince yourself it’s not that bad, but after a few minutes, you start to go nuts. Then you realize if you shift the right side and lift the ipod over your head, sound comes out from both earphones. But if you move slightly, it messes up again. I’ve done this many a time, and it drives me crazy. After a while, I give up, and usually end up breaking the earphones completely.

Dear Earphones,

Don’t tease me by allowing only side to function. Either work, or don’t work. Thank you.

5) Frozen Internet

You’re on the internet looking up sports, e-mail or the latest news (just kidding—you’re obviously looking at porn) and all of a sudden the computer screen flashes “the page cannot be displayed.” You have no idea why the connection was lost. It is a complete mystery. In many ways, it’s like traffic. It pisses you off, but if you knew why, you’d at least feel a little more satisfied.

You unplug the modem, router, etc., wait 20 seconds, and put it back in. You hope that helps. Doesn’t the internet realize you were in the middle of something important, and you don’t have time for this? All you want to do is watch one more porn scene. Is that too much to ask for? So annoying.

6) Scalding Hot Water

You’re at the sink to wash your hands. You turn on the left handle hoping to bathe your hands in some nice luke-warm water. All of a sudden, scalding water sprays out, and you burn the hell out of your hands. It's illogical, painful, and annoying all at the same time.

This has happened to me at a friend’s house and at the occasional restaurant. It’s a lawsuit waiting to happen. And why is scalding hot water even an option for a sink? Are germs so thick now that only boiling hot water can defeat them? Are people making spaghetti in their bathroom sinks? It makes no sense. I hate it. Annoying!

7) Sand

I love the ocean. I love the beach. But I hate sand. I know it’s a contradiction. I love the laying on the soft sand; it is so relaxing. But my main beef with sand is that it doesn’t know when to quit. It is so damn clingy (no pun intended.)

You’ve had a great time at the beach and now you’re back home. But sand doesn’t want to say goodbye. It ends up in your car, in your backpack, in your shoes, all over your clothes, and body. And now it’s in your bathroom and bed. It’s everywhere! Sand is annoying because it doesn’t know its role. It belongs at the beach and nowhere else.

8) Shaving

When I was a kid, I always wanted to shave. My dad would let me put tons of shaving cream on my face until I looked like Santa Claus. He gave me a razor without the blade and let me pretend to shave. I thought it was the coolest.

Now that I’m older, I realized I was very wrong. Fortunately, I don’t need to shave everyday, but if I had to, I would be a dead man. I either have very sensitive skin, or I’m an awful shaver, because I cut myself every time. There’s always these little nicks. It doesn’t hurt much, but then I have all these little marks on my face. I think nobody will notice until 4or 5 people come up to me and ask why I have those little red bumps on my neck. Leave me alone. I hate shaving.

9) CD’s & DVD’s

I have a love/hate relationship with CD’s and DVD’s. Yes, they are more convenient then cassettes and work much better. But there’s just one thing. One scratch and they’re useless. You have to care for these things more then a child (at least a scratch on a kid will heal.) I have VHS tapes and audio cassettes that still work after 20 years. 20 years! I have a DVD that I bought last month that no longer works. You do the math! Annoying.

10) Stains

You just bought a new shirt or pants or a dress. You look good. You feel good. Then, a stain arrives. Maybe it was a spill, an out-of-control noodle smothered in marinara sauce, or perhaps it was just an unsolved mystery. Either way, your perfect shirt is now permanently covered in a stain. You try all the latest detergents, and magic stain removers, but it doesn’t disappear. As a result, you can never wear that article of clothing ever again. That annoying stain has ruined everything!

11) Mail

When I was younger, I was psyched to get mail. Maybe it was a letter from Ed McMahon’s Million dollar sweepstakes, a check from Nana, or one of those 20 CD’s for a penny deals. But as I’ve gotten older, I learned no mail is good mail. Because it’s all bills. I cringe when I open my mailbox. Bill. Bill. Court date, Summons, etc. And you’re not gonna get a real letter; nobody does that anymore. Nothing good can come from the mail. It’s quite annoying!

12) Walkie-Talkie Phones

Who invented these things? These have got to be one of the most annoying communication devices of all time. If you’re in the armed forces or possibly on a movie set, it’s cool, but anywhere else is unacceptable. EVERY TIME someone wants to speak, they click on a button which creates a high-pitched ringing noise. So over the course of one conversation, they will ring that button at least 25-30 times.

The worst part is that these people are completely oblivious. They don’t seem to realize that constant ringing and shouting into their phone is annoying. In fact, I think they think it’s cool. But the truth is they are annoying and so are their walkie-talkie phones.

13) Car Alarms & Horns

This is an easy one. I owned a car alarm for 5 years. When I parked my car on the street, the alarm would go off almost every morning. Another car would drive by prompting my alarm to screech for 3 minutes. It would serenade the neighborhood with the standard 6 beat beeping sound. I’ve heard it so many times, I know it by heart.

Car alarms are more overprotective than a Jewish mother. They need to relax. We’ve all had the relaxing dinner outside or a peaceful walk destroyed by the errant car alarm. They need to be eliminated. On a side note, my car was never stolen or broken into. Maybe it was because nobody wanted to have a car with such a sensitive and annoying alarm system.

The car horn was created for 2 reasons; safety and possibly to pick up chicks. It was not made so you can let out your anger and frustration. Slamming your horn for 30 second bursts, or machine-gunning (beeping over and over again quickly) does nothing for anyone, anywhere, anyhow. If you are a culprit, you need to stop. It is annoying, unacceptable, and useless. You guys should be ashamed of yourself.

(I’d like to add sirens on the list. We know there’s an emergency, but do they have to be so damn loud? We can hear you! Tone it down just a little. Although sirens mean well, they are still very annoying.)

14) Stubbing Your Toe & Biting Your Tongue

Stubbing your toe always happens when you least expect it. You’re usually in a good mood. Maybe you’re walking through the living room. Then BOOM! You slam your toe into that random coffee table which definitely wasn’t there a minute ago. Then you agonize in pain (a la Peter Griffin) for five minutes. The first moment of a stubbed toe goes down as one of the worst pains ever. In anger, you might even punch/kick that stupid coffee table for getting in your way.

Biting your tongue creeps up on you as well. You’re enjoying that delicious piece of steak when BAM! You bite down on your own tongue by mistake. You’re in horrible pain, but for some reason, you don’t tell anyone. You pretend it didn’t happen. Usually, people at the table can sense something is wrong. And then you make the face so they know you bit your tongue.

The good thing is your appetite has short-term amnesia. So at least a few minutes later, you are back chomping on that steak again.

15) Having to Pee in the Middle of the Night

You’re relaxed. You are in a deep sleep. Maybe you’re even having a magical dream. Then you feel it. You have to go to the bathroom. You try to ignore it, but your body keeps reminding you that it’s time. If you ignore it long enough, your dreams even change. You start looking for a bathroom in your sleep. But you can’t go.

It’s the eternal struggle. Do you disrupt your perfect slumber to use the bathroom? For most adults, the answer is yes.

You will yourself out of bed. It’s dark and you’re groggy. You may even bump into some furniture on the way to the can. And sometimes when you return to bed, you can’t even fall back asleep. And even if you do, it’s not nearly as peaceful as before.

Little kids are the only ones that have mastered what to do in this situation. They sleep and go to the bathroom at the same time. It’s a brilliant compromise as long as you don’t mind excessively cleaning your sheets and clothes.

My Apologies

Yes, I wish my list was shorter. The worst part is that I have several more to add for another time. But I don’t want to be the guy that complains too much.

That’s really annoying!

Sunday, September 21, 2008


I need to take this time to congratulate some of my friends. Although I’m still struggling to find my way through Hollywood, my friends are starting to “make it.” I’m seeing their names in the newspaper, on the internet, on movie posters, and on buses and billboards! A former co-worker/friend recently directed a John Cusack movie. My old roommate, who squeezed in 4 hours a day to play Halo and NBA Live, also managed to write and sell a few scripts. I’d like to take credit for helping him, but I think I only served as a distraction. His first movie came out this weekend. One of my basketball buddies/acquaintances now writes for the Office and will be penning the new Ghostbusters movie.

The list goes on.

So what does it take to make it in the entertainment industry?

I’ve argued that making it in the biz is like being popular in high school. If you’re really good looking, really rich, or really weird, then you’re all set. Unfortunately, I am only moderate in each of these categories. That just does not suffice in Hollywood.

I figured the next best way to “make it” was to live each day like it was the E! True Hollywood story: do a lot of drugs, go to jail, become a born again religious fanatic, etc. All these people become famous. Their life spiraled out of control before they finally “made it.” Or they “made it” and then their life fell apart. But my life is actually kind’ve mundane. You couldn’t make an E! True Hollywood story based on my life; what would they say? “All was fine in his life until the infamous 7th grade bike trip. He fell down three times and had to take the van home. He cried that day. Little did he know that soon he would propel himself into a star!”

I even moved to Hollywood to try to “make it” the old fashioned way. I wrote screenplays. I was so proud of my work. My family and friends were too. Everyone was so encouraging! Then Hollywood sharks read my screenplays. They, mostly 22 year-old agent’s assistants, shredded my hopes and dreams with rejection letters and “soft passes.” Those that were supportive offered this brilliant advice: “Keep writing.”

I ignored them.

I stopped writing for a while. Instead, I worked as a production assistant, casting assistant, editing assistant, assistant assistant, but still nothing. I did improv comedy, stand-up comedy, and although it’s embarrassing to admit, I even worked on the show Touched By An Angel for four days.

I spun the wheel on the Price is Right, made people eat worms on Fear Factor, and kicked Tobey Maguire’s butt in basketball on the set of Spider-Man. But I still felt empty. Although I was having fun and gathering memorable experiences, I still hadn’t progressed in the entertainment industry.

After a long hiatus from my computer and Final Draft, I began writing again. I revised a college comedy script, and submitted it to a number of people. I was confident in my work. And I changed my attitude. I ignored criticism and didn't take anything personally. Nothing was going to slow me down this time. And I changed my mindset too. All I had to do was convince one big shot to believe in me. I was going to “make it” no matter what.

I got “the call” in the late Summer of 2007. Most people don’t know this, including most of my friends, but I was famous for about fifteen seconds. I was the talk of the town. I was the hottest writer in Hollywood. I had finally “made it.”

Here are my fifteen seconds of fame:

August, 2007

(To protect my anonymity, I’ll be known as PAUL SHERMAN.)

My friends and I were driving from Boston to Montreal for yet another bachelor party. The music blasted as we debated over Montreal’s best strip club (I said Karma Sutra.) My phone vibrated in my pocket and I casually picked it up. I looked at the number; it was a 310 (Hollywood) and I didn’t recognize it.

I asked my friends to quiet down and lower the music. On the other end of the line was a woman who sounded hot.

WOMAN: Paul, I have Doug Johnson on the line for you.

In Hollywood, IMPORTANT people never make the call. That’s why they have assistants. Important people are above making phone calls, checking e-mails, ordering food. One may also conjecture that important people have assistants because they may not know how to use the phone or type an e-mail (see John McCain.)

My heart skipped a beat when I heard the name Doug Johnson. Doug is a pretty successful manager who recently produced my friend’s movie. We met a few times over the years, and he even tried to sell one of my screenplays. Once he became important, he started ignoring me.

I sent Doug my latest script eight times. He lost it. His assistant lost it. He lost it again. You get the point. I was a nobody so he didn’t have time for me.


He was psyched to get me on the line.

DOUG JOHNSON: Sherman, what’s up dude?! Your script is killing, man.

I could barely muster up a word. I had been waiting for this call my entire life.

DOUG JOHNSON: Everyone wants to be attached to this thing. How was the meeting with Jack Black and those producers?

My heart dropped. Holy shit! Nobody ever called me. I’m an hour away from Montreal. Maybe I can go straight to the airport and fly out. Jack Black! This is crazy.

ME: Nobody ever told me about the meeting. Don’t worry. I’ll do whatever it takes.

DOUG JOHNSON: Sherman…stop joking around.

ME: Doug, nobody told me. But I’m sure we can work something out.

DOUG JOHNSON: You missed the Jack Black meeting? Are you serious?

ME: It’s OK. I’ll fly out today. Anything you want.

DOUG JOHNSON: Come on DAN…stop being an idiot.

DAN??? My heart froze. My jaw dropped. I felt nauseous.

ME: Dan? This is PAUL.


Doug shouted at his assistant.

DOUG JOHNSON: GLORIA! You called the WRONG Sherman.

Doug turned his attention back to me. He was casual in his tone not realizing he had just ruined my life.

DOUG JOHNSON: Sorry about that Paul…how are you?

I wanted to yell and scream at him, but I was in shock. I mustered up a few harmless words.

ME: I’m ok. Did you ever read MY script?

DOUG JOHNSON: Gotta go. Keep writing. See ya.


I’ve been horribly rejected before, but this has to be the worst feeling I’ve ever felt. Add up the Sox choke jobs in 86 and 2003, the Patriots loss to the Giants in Super Bowl XLII, my first serious girlfriend dumping me, finding out my good college buddy was hooking up with my first big crush, my 5th grade girlfriend crying after I kissed her on the cheek, getting sick from drinking for the first time, breaking my collar bone in 3 places, and getting kneed hard in the groin, and then multiply it by a 100. That’s how I felt. It was painful.


I still haven’t sold a screenplay. I still haven’t “made it.” And I still get nauseous when I tell this story. But the good news is that I’m still writing. I write my blog for me, my friends, and whoever else wants to read it. And I actually enjoy writing again. Part of me hopes someone important reads my blog and offers me a big money deal. But I’m not sitting around and waiting for it. And if I ever do get “the call,” I’ll definitely make sure that they have the right person on the phone.

I have sent my blog to Doug Johnson. I never heard from him. But something tells me if this gets passed along to him, he would probably check it out. Of course, I’m sure he’d probably confuse me with someone else anyway.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Top 10 Reasons Why Tom Brady's Season-Ending Injury is Not So Bad

I woke up Sunday morning, and for the first time in years, I was not excited for the opening week of the NFL. I had a massive hangover, but it wasn’t from drinking; it was still lingering from the Patriots’ Super Bowl loss 7 months earlier. Amazingly enough, I was still in denial. To understand better, check out “The Day After” at:

I feel awful admitting this, but I thought about skipping the game. It was a beautiful day out, and who cared about week 1 anyway? Who cared about the regular season? The Patriots proved emphatically that the regular season does not matter. Despite going 16-0 last year, the Patriots did not win the Super Bowl. I tried comparing this with another sports team, and I came up with nothing. The Mariners set the MLB record for wins (116 wins) in 2001, and then lost to the Yankees in the playoffs. But the Patriots were undefeated; they were perfect!

I guess it would be like the Harlem Globetrotters losing to the Washington Generals after winning 2,495 straight times (this actually happened in 1971.) In a way, the Patriots “almost perfect” season ruined the mystique of the game for me. It would be like hooking up with that perfect “dream girl” and then finding out that she’s not that hot (without her clothes), and she’s a terrible kisser. And when you see her again, it’s just not the same, and you don’t know how to act around her. In a completely bizarre way, that’s how I felt about the Patriots this year.

Despite all of this, I agreed to watch part of the game with my buddy PA. We both felt guilty for not being enthused about the start of the season. I enjoyed my tasty buffalo wings as the Patriots and Chiefs traded turnovers and punts. Mid-way into my fifth wing, #12 went down. Tom Brady clutched his knee in pain. All of New England and its fans watched in silence. Then, my buddy and I looked at each other and unanimously declared: “The season’s over!”

Brady painfully limped off the field. His backup, Matt Cassel, came in and did a decent job. He played well enough to help the Patriots win their 20th regular season game in a row. Cassel now hopes to join Tom Brady and Kurt Warner as the only backups to lead his respective team to a Super Bowl win.

The next 24 hours I received countless phone calls, texts, and e-mails from Boston friends who were on the edge. Some couldn’t sleep; some felt nauseous; others contemplated the meaning of life. Why was this happening? What did the Patriots and its fans do to deserve this?

Some might argue that the Patriots made a deal with the devil. After winning 3 Super Bowls in 4 years, things have unraveled mightily for the Pats. The Patriots were caught cheating, and Belichick was given the stiffest fine in league history. Neutral fans began turning on the Patriots for their unbelievable success and borderline conduct. And finally, after going 18-0, the Patriots blew their chance at history by choking to the New York (of all places) Giants. Now Brady is out for the year, and it seems like their legacy is over.

But before Patriots’ fans hurl themselves off the Prudential, they need to think about this. Tom Brady being out for the year is not such a terrible thing. I know it sounds crazy, but his season-ending injury actually has me excited about the Patriots again.

Here are my Top 10 Reasons Why Tom Brady’s Season-Ending Injury is Not So Bad:

#10 Low Expectations

Does anyone remember when the Patriots won in 2001-02? It was so pure. It was such a great feeling! And most of it was because their fans never expected them to be there in the first place. It’s storytelling at its best: the 1980 Olympic Hockey Team, George Mason’s Final Four run in 2005-06, the Cleveland Indians from Major League…a team overcomes adversity to be one of the best. The 2008 Patriots now have a chance to join that list.

#9 Is Bill Belichick the Best?

Belichick has a chance to cement his place as the best coach in NFL history. It will be interesting to see how his team plays with unknown backup, Matt Cassel. If Belichick can win without Brady or stealing signals, there is no doubt that he is the best coach of all time.

#8 Tickets

Tickets to Patriots’ game are nearly impossible to get. Now that Brady’s out, it will be much easier to check out Gillette Stadium.

#7 Will Randy Moss Go Crazy?

It will be fun to see if Randy Moss goes back to his old self without Brady at the reigns. Will he catch 23 TDs again? No way! Will he run over another cop with his car like he did in Minnesota? I hope not. It will be interesting to monitor how Moss and other teammates handle the season without Tommy boy.

#6 Red Sox Nation

The Red Sox have been playing great. With the Patriots’ season in doubt, fans can focus solely on the Sox and root them on in October.

#5 Underdogs

The Patriots always played better in the underdog role. Most teams will underestimate them without Brady. This will also give guys like Rodney Harrison incentive to pull out the “no respect” line.

#4 Don’t Hate

People may stop hating the Patriots. They may even start rooting for them again. As I recall, people rooted for them before they became the best team of the 21st century. Nobody hates an underdog, and without Brady, that’s exactly what they are.

#3 Gisele

Brady’s supermodel girlfriend is super hot. Now he can spend more time with Gisele and give her the support and encouragement she needs. Brady can also hang out with Bridget Moynahan and his baby boy. But they’re not as hot as Gisele.

#2 Unpredictability

The Patriots won the first 18 games last year and blew out most of their opponents. They were so efficient in manhandling the competition that many of the contests were over by halftime. Many of the games were actually boring. Their winning was machine-like; it was too easy, and it was the same thing every week. As the streak continued, Patriots’ fans felt relieved after each victory instead of happy and joyful (it reminded me of Yankee fans who are the worst.) It wasn’t that fun. This year will be completely different; fans will have to watch the games because they don’t know what’s going to happen. And fans will no longer take winning for granted.

Plus, Matt Cassel’s future is completely unknown. Will he be the next Tom Brady or the next Scott Zolak? Only time will tell.

#1 Free Time

If the Patriots implode and fail to make to make the playoffs, just think of all the extra free time you’ll have. Instead of wasting Sunday afternoons in a smelly, crowded bar, you can take a bike ride, go apple picking, read a book, volunteer at a soup kitchen, paint a picture, spend time with your in-laws, clean your house, write a poem...

You can finally live your life! There’s so much to do besides watch football!

Ahhhhh……Who am I kidding?

Without football, life sucks!

Get better Tommy B…we’ll miss you!

Sunday, September 7, 2008

The Fantasy Football Chronicles


This is my 13th glorious year participating in fantasy football. I’ve been a member of the VFL (Virtual Fantasy League) since ‘95. We’re so old school that back in the day we would record our own stats via the newspaper instead of the internet.

Some members take Fantasy Football to another level; one player (GM) creates a monthly statistical chart on Excel and sends it to the league. Another member (RW) writes a Fantasy week-in-review (which inspired me to start my blog.) My brother doesn't write much, but his weekly mood is directly correlated with his team’s performance that week (you should see him on Thanksgiving.) Some members root against their own home team if it benefits their fantasy team. A certain member (ME) can’t concentrate on dates because he keeps wondering how his players are doing.

Overall, we all become obsessed. Despite losing year in and year out, I really believe this is the year for me. And it’s not about the money; it’s about the pride! It’s about investing an absurd amount of time into something I have no control over and proving to my friends and siblings that I am awesome!


Before the existence of The Corner, I wrote weekly thoughts for my fantasy league. I wrote about fantasy football, other sports, dating, movies, and TV. Since only a small group received them, I thought it was time to officially publish a few excerpts from last year.

The Two-Headed Running Back (November 15, 2007)

Within 2 years, I’m guaranteeing that every team will have 2 backs. The impact on fantasy football will be huge. I feel like any back could be inserted on a team and he'll do fine. Look at the following names: Keith, Watson, Chatman, Sammy Morris, Maurice Morris, Grant....they all replaced starting backs and tore everything up. And then the coach starts thinking…I can run 2 guys (this scrub and the normal starter) and they’ll both stay healthy and have the same effect. And don’t forget about injuries. Mr.Peterson (Vikings) is human; he's not a machine. My predictions: LT will get banged up, Turner will replace him, and rush for 150 yards and 2 TDs his 1st game. So when you draft in the 1st round next year, who are you gonna pick besides Brady and Moss??? I don’t know.

EPILOGUE: Brady and Moss went in the 1st round of both my fantasy drafts. The season just began, but I think you’ll see a very similar trend this year. Backups definitely made a name for themselves in ‘07: Michael Turner is now starting for the Atlanta Falcons (he rushed for 220 yards and 2 TDs today), and Ryan Grant is the main man for the Green Bay Packers.

Cool Girl (November 22, 2007)

I met a very cool girl. We hung out in bed and had a nice talk while I followed fantasy football on the computer. Here's our dialogue from that Sunday afternoon.

Cool Girl: So then I started working in a school. I really enjoyed it because...

Me: Donald Driver is the worst. He hasn't caught a touchdown in 7 weeks.

Cool Girl: I've traveled everywhere. I really liked...

Me: What is wrong with Willie Parker? Why is he rated in the top 5 every week if he never scores a touchdown or even catches a pass? I hate him. You were saying...

Cool Girl: My family is cool. I'm closest with...

Me: Brandon Jacobs is hurt again. What a pussy!

Even though I was a complete jerk, she was very patient with me. She even gave me a pound when Dwayne Bowe and Antonio Gates scored. I think she had a good time that day, and she told me she'd gimme a call soon. I haven't heard from her, but I think it's because she's busy with the holidays.

EPILOGUE: We dated for a few months. She did end up dumping me, but it wasn’t related to fantasy football as far as I know. Here’s the link that explains what happened:

For this season, I’m gonna try to be a better listener, and not be so obsessed with fantasy football; we’ll see how that goes.

Dating Steps (October 17, 2007)

When you date a girl, each date should be a new step. 1st date: Maybe a kiss. 2nd date: Makeout Session. 3rd date: Benign Sleepover. And so on and so forth. But it's BS if you go back a step. You can't have a benign sleepover and then the next date only a kiss on the cheek. That's breaking the rules. Don't girls know this? It's killing me.

EPILOGUE: This will inspire a new post which will discuss “The Bases” and “Hook-up Rules.”

Sign of a Bad Date (October 17, 2007)

You know you're on a bad date, when in the middle, you're wondering what porn you should watch that night.

EPILOGUE: Thanks to the internet this statement could also read: You know you’re on a bad date, when in the middle, you’re wondering what adult website you should peruse that night.

Dealbreaker (November 1, 2007)

Would you date a girl knowing she was once a pornstar or at least performed some sexual activities on film/cable (Skinimax, for example?) Yes, she is clean. And yes, her career in that industry is officially over. I think I could do it, but my worst fear would be that my Dad recognized her. That would be really awkward and uncomfortable.

EPILOGUE: For a list of more Dealbreakers, click on

Yankee Fans (October 24, 2007)

Please stop using the defense that since you have 26 championships, you're better than every team. That's like me, as a Celtics fan, going up to all the Spurs fans and telling them they suck because we have 16, and you have 4. If you think about it, in the past 25+ years, the Yankees have won 4, and we (the Red Sox) have won 2. Unless you're 50+, please shut the hell up. And it's funny—I ran this by my NY friends, and they didn't get it. New Yorkers!

EPILOGUE: The Yankees (despite a payroll of nearly a quarter billion dollars) are close to being eliminated from playoff contention for the first time in 15 years. The fans are in denial and have pretty much closed up shop. I haven’t heard much from them at all. The Celtics have since won their 17th Championship. I am happy. :)

Yankees Suck Chants (October 24, 2007)

I don't get the “Yankees Suck” chants much anymore especially when no Yankees or Yankees fans are around. At first, I laugh and then I feel very uncomfortable.

EPILOGUE: For those that don’t know, the “Yankees Suck” chant has become a strange Boston tradition. It occurs when a group of Bostonians consume alcohol and the game is on. When they are tired of rooting for their team (the Sox, Patriots or Celtics), they rank on the team that has tormented them for years: The Yankees. “Yankees Suck!” chants tend to break out when the Red Sox play them, but sometimes they occur spontaneously for no reason at all.

Fortunately, I have not seen/heard as many chants lately. Some have moved on to “Beat L.A!” chants. Most fans have less animosity towards the Yankees because they have had a very mediocre season, and haven’t won the World Series since 2000.

GOLF (October 17, 2007)

Golf is not a sport if your least athletic friends are the best at it.

EPILOGUE: I still stand by this. Click on where I dissect “What is a Sport?” in further detail.

Fred Claus, D- (November 8, 2007)

Every once in a while, a friend (in this case, it was my buddy JM) drags you into a movie you have no desire to see. You know it’s gonna be bad, but then you think, maybe, just maybe, this could be a gem. Fred Claus did not fit into that category. This movie was so bad, it may have even ended that friendship...T-Money (Vince Vaughn) does his shtick, but instead of hitting on beautiful babies, he is hanging out with elves and Santa Claus. At one point he urges the elves to have fun and “make bad decisions.” If you’d like to follow this advice, definitely see this movie.

EPILOGUE: This movie is TERRIBLE and I’m still embarrassed I saw it in the theatre! I am still friends with JM, but his movie choosing privleges have been suspended for 2 years.

How I Met Your Mother (October 10, 2007)

Watch this show, it's hilarious. The Wonder Years represents my life growing up, but this show is definitely kind’ve like my life now.

EPILOGUE: It’s a brand new season of HIMYM! Other shows to watch for this fall: The Office and Entourage ( which starts tonight!) I tried watching 90210, and it was a little painful. But if the sister, and adopted brother hook up, things could get interesting. After several recommendations, I’m gonna try to watch: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Weeds. And of course, if there’s nothing else on, I can watch re-runs of the Simpsons (old school), Family Guy, and Seinfeld.

And if that gets old, I’ll just spend my free time obsessing over fantasy football…