Sunday, September 7, 2008

The Fantasy Football Chronicles


This is my 13th glorious year participating in fantasy football. I’ve been a member of the VFL (Virtual Fantasy League) since ‘95. We’re so old school that back in the day we would record our own stats via the newspaper instead of the internet.

Some members take Fantasy Football to another level; one player (GM) creates a monthly statistical chart on Excel and sends it to the league. Another member (RW) writes a Fantasy week-in-review (which inspired me to start my blog.) My brother doesn't write much, but his weekly mood is directly correlated with his team’s performance that week (you should see him on Thanksgiving.) Some members root against their own home team if it benefits their fantasy team. A certain member (ME) can’t concentrate on dates because he keeps wondering how his players are doing.

Overall, we all become obsessed. Despite losing year in and year out, I really believe this is the year for me. And it’s not about the money; it’s about the pride! It’s about investing an absurd amount of time into something I have no control over and proving to my friends and siblings that I am awesome!


Before the existence of The Corner, I wrote weekly thoughts for my fantasy league. I wrote about fantasy football, other sports, dating, movies, and TV. Since only a small group received them, I thought it was time to officially publish a few excerpts from last year.

The Two-Headed Running Back (November 15, 2007)

Within 2 years, I’m guaranteeing that every team will have 2 backs. The impact on fantasy football will be huge. I feel like any back could be inserted on a team and he'll do fine. Look at the following names: Keith, Watson, Chatman, Sammy Morris, Maurice Morris, Grant....they all replaced starting backs and tore everything up. And then the coach starts thinking…I can run 2 guys (this scrub and the normal starter) and they’ll both stay healthy and have the same effect. And don’t forget about injuries. Mr.Peterson (Vikings) is human; he's not a machine. My predictions: LT will get banged up, Turner will replace him, and rush for 150 yards and 2 TDs his 1st game. So when you draft in the 1st round next year, who are you gonna pick besides Brady and Moss??? I don’t know.

EPILOGUE: Brady and Moss went in the 1st round of both my fantasy drafts. The season just began, but I think you’ll see a very similar trend this year. Backups definitely made a name for themselves in ‘07: Michael Turner is now starting for the Atlanta Falcons (he rushed for 220 yards and 2 TDs today), and Ryan Grant is the main man for the Green Bay Packers.

Cool Girl (November 22, 2007)

I met a very cool girl. We hung out in bed and had a nice talk while I followed fantasy football on the computer. Here's our dialogue from that Sunday afternoon.

Cool Girl: So then I started working in a school. I really enjoyed it because...

Me: Donald Driver is the worst. He hasn't caught a touchdown in 7 weeks.

Cool Girl: I've traveled everywhere. I really liked...

Me: What is wrong with Willie Parker? Why is he rated in the top 5 every week if he never scores a touchdown or even catches a pass? I hate him. You were saying...

Cool Girl: My family is cool. I'm closest with...

Me: Brandon Jacobs is hurt again. What a pussy!

Even though I was a complete jerk, she was very patient with me. She even gave me a pound when Dwayne Bowe and Antonio Gates scored. I think she had a good time that day, and she told me she'd gimme a call soon. I haven't heard from her, but I think it's because she's busy with the holidays.

EPILOGUE: We dated for a few months. She did end up dumping me, but it wasn’t related to fantasy football as far as I know. Here’s the link that explains what happened:

For this season, I’m gonna try to be a better listener, and not be so obsessed with fantasy football; we’ll see how that goes.

Dating Steps (October 17, 2007)

When you date a girl, each date should be a new step. 1st date: Maybe a kiss. 2nd date: Makeout Session. 3rd date: Benign Sleepover. And so on and so forth. But it's BS if you go back a step. You can't have a benign sleepover and then the next date only a kiss on the cheek. That's breaking the rules. Don't girls know this? It's killing me.

EPILOGUE: This will inspire a new post which will discuss “The Bases” and “Hook-up Rules.”

Sign of a Bad Date (October 17, 2007)

You know you're on a bad date, when in the middle, you're wondering what porn you should watch that night.

EPILOGUE: Thanks to the internet this statement could also read: You know you’re on a bad date, when in the middle, you’re wondering what adult website you should peruse that night.

Dealbreaker (November 1, 2007)

Would you date a girl knowing she was once a pornstar or at least performed some sexual activities on film/cable (Skinimax, for example?) Yes, she is clean. And yes, her career in that industry is officially over. I think I could do it, but my worst fear would be that my Dad recognized her. That would be really awkward and uncomfortable.

EPILOGUE: For a list of more Dealbreakers, click on

Yankee Fans (October 24, 2007)

Please stop using the defense that since you have 26 championships, you're better than every team. That's like me, as a Celtics fan, going up to all the Spurs fans and telling them they suck because we have 16, and you have 4. If you think about it, in the past 25+ years, the Yankees have won 4, and we (the Red Sox) have won 2. Unless you're 50+, please shut the hell up. And it's funny—I ran this by my NY friends, and they didn't get it. New Yorkers!

EPILOGUE: The Yankees (despite a payroll of nearly a quarter billion dollars) are close to being eliminated from playoff contention for the first time in 15 years. The fans are in denial and have pretty much closed up shop. I haven’t heard much from them at all. The Celtics have since won their 17th Championship. I am happy. :)

Yankees Suck Chants (October 24, 2007)

I don't get the “Yankees Suck” chants much anymore especially when no Yankees or Yankees fans are around. At first, I laugh and then I feel very uncomfortable.

EPILOGUE: For those that don’t know, the “Yankees Suck” chant has become a strange Boston tradition. It occurs when a group of Bostonians consume alcohol and the game is on. When they are tired of rooting for their team (the Sox, Patriots or Celtics), they rank on the team that has tormented them for years: The Yankees. “Yankees Suck!” chants tend to break out when the Red Sox play them, but sometimes they occur spontaneously for no reason at all.

Fortunately, I have not seen/heard as many chants lately. Some have moved on to “Beat L.A!” chants. Most fans have less animosity towards the Yankees because they have had a very mediocre season, and haven’t won the World Series since 2000.

GOLF (October 17, 2007)

Golf is not a sport if your least athletic friends are the best at it.

EPILOGUE: I still stand by this. Click on where I dissect “What is a Sport?” in further detail.

Fred Claus, D- (November 8, 2007)

Every once in a while, a friend (in this case, it was my buddy JM) drags you into a movie you have no desire to see. You know it’s gonna be bad, but then you think, maybe, just maybe, this could be a gem. Fred Claus did not fit into that category. This movie was so bad, it may have even ended that friendship...T-Money (Vince Vaughn) does his shtick, but instead of hitting on beautiful babies, he is hanging out with elves and Santa Claus. At one point he urges the elves to have fun and “make bad decisions.” If you’d like to follow this advice, definitely see this movie.

EPILOGUE: This movie is TERRIBLE and I’m still embarrassed I saw it in the theatre! I am still friends with JM, but his movie choosing privleges have been suspended for 2 years.

How I Met Your Mother (October 10, 2007)

Watch this show, it's hilarious. The Wonder Years represents my life growing up, but this show is definitely kind’ve like my life now.

EPILOGUE: It’s a brand new season of HIMYM! Other shows to watch for this fall: The Office and Entourage ( which starts tonight!) I tried watching 90210, and it was a little painful. But if the sister, and adopted brother hook up, things could get interesting. After several recommendations, I’m gonna try to watch: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Weeds. And of course, if there’s nothing else on, I can watch re-runs of the Simpsons (old school), Family Guy, and Seinfeld.

And if that gets old, I’ll just spend my free time obsessing over fantasy football…


La Pixie said...

Im... a lil bit confused by your post... perhaps you could try breaking it up into several posts? just a suggestion!

Rich said...

Hey Paul - thanks for the compliment to the old VFL weekly - I always enjoyed writing those and wish I still had the time (pre kids and different job). I'm also a little choked up that it helped inspire this great blog.