Thursday, January 31, 2008

Hibernation

HIBERNATION

I came up with an epiphany on Saturday night at about midnight. I’m at a packed bar getting elbowed left and right searching for a girl to speak to. (As a single man, weekend nights are working nights—you need to get as many numbers as possible because going out during the week is just too exhausting.) A number of girls walked by and they’re all unattractive. All of them. What the hell? It was statistically impossible. Then it occurred to me, all the semi-attractive girls and better are hibernating for the winter. They’ve already found their man. Think about it. You think they’d rather go to a busy bar in five layers and maybe meet a cool guy or stay home with their winter boyfriend, order in, cuddle, and watch the latest Kate Hudson movie. If you notice, that’s why it’s so easy to meet girls in October; they’re finding their man so they can hibernate for the winter.

My only hope is for global warming to kick in so the weather can warm up. So please, for me, don't recylce, burn fossil fuels, and help support pollution. Thanks so much.

Monday, January 28, 2008

And the Oscar for Best Picture goes to...

THERE WILL BE BLOOD: I have yet to see this, but I’ll comment anyway. I’m sure it’s a well crafted, well filmed, well acted movie. But it’s almost 3 hours long, and the biggest fans of this movie are film buffs. What’s that mean? Probably that I won’t get it, but I’ll pretend to so I can converse with my L.A. friends. I like Paul Thomas Anderson when he directs movie about the porn industry. But as far as I know, Heather Graham doesn’t get naked in this. Plus, I have a beef with Paul Dano; he failed to show up at my friend’s fundraiser because he was too busy promoting this film.

MICHAEL CLAYTON: This is the clear winner for worst title. Michael Clayton? They made a movie based on a Wide Receiver for the Bucs. (You would think after Meet Joe Black, The Life of David Gale. Dolores Claiborne; they would stop using people’s names as titles.) I did see this movie, and at the end, I thought, that was nice. The reviewers boasted that it's a top-notch political thriller! If that means it's a solid 100 minute picture that could’ve been wrapped up in about 10 minutes, then I totally agree. It’s not a bad movie, but best picture? Are you serious?

JUNO: This movie was cute. There has to be one cute movie every year that’s nominated. (Little Miss Sunshine, Sideways, Chocolat, Four wedding and a Funeral.) It will never win and it’s only nominated because there’s nothing else. I liked the movie, but will probably never see it again.

*Sidenote* My personal ratings of movies are based on how many times I can watch it over and over again. Like if Juno was on TBS right now, would I be psyched to watch it? Does it get better each time? Can I quote from it? That’s why my personal favorite movie is Back to the Future. I can watch it anytime and anywhere. Perfect script. Perfect story. And I bet if someone came up with the movie today, no studio would have the balls to make it. (What studio would make a sci-fi, period piece, action, romantic comedy with Freudian undertones?) No way. I love Back to the Future so much that I walked out on a date when she made fun of me and my selection. (Obviously, the sequels are a different story, but we won’t get into that right now.) To quote a random Larry King book review: “If you don’t like this, I don’t like you.”

ATONEMENT: I have not seen this and have no idea what it’s about. The title reminds me of Yom Kippur which then reminds me of fasting and going to temple. Which reminds me of being hungry and bored. So I doubt I’ll see this until it wins the award and everyone tells me I have to.

*Sidenote#2* I re-watched Knocked Up the other day and was very disappointed. On first viewing, I liked it a lot. I was able to overcome my annoying date that accompanied me (and her smelly sandwich,) and still had a good experience. But on the second viewing, I was bored. Rogen, who I love, was actually kind’ve annoying, and I fast forwarded through the DVD. There were still some laugh out loud scenes (Paul Rudd was great), but overall I was fairly disappointed. I may have to remove it from my top 200 favorite movies. (I have to re-watch Superbad and hope it doesn’t fall into the same category.) But on a good note, I learned a very important lesson from the movie. If you hook up with a girl that’s much more attractive than you, then just get her pregnant, and then she’ll learn to like you. So that’s a good thing.

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN: This is probably the winner for me. The movie reminded me of Pulp Fiction because of its intensity and the fact that I had no idea what would happen next. Javier Bartem played one of the best villains of all-time. (Possibly, even better than the bad guy from Twins.) Bartem’s character gets extra props for his original weapon choice. And I loved the gas station scene where some old guy’s life hinges on a coin toss and he doesn’t even know it. Too bad the film gets “Sopranos” on us in the end, but I’ll forgive it because the rest of the film is so good.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Back on the Scene

After a 3 month relationship, I am officially single: Let it be known, I am back on the scene.

In retrospect, there were several signs that I should’ve picked up on.

Sign #1 Every time I called her, she did call me back, but not until after 11pm. Knowing I went to bed early, she called after a certain time so she could just leave me a message and thus avoid talking to me.

Sign #2 I received a couple of random texts that seemed a little off; like she meant to send them to someone else. I’d reply, and then never hear from her again.

Sign #3 When we were hooking up, she called me the wrong name.

Sign #4 She was always busy and tired. She worked from 8-2. That means she was busy from 2-11 everyday including weekends. 2-10, I could see. But 2-11?.

Sign#5 She went to LA for a month to find herself. Any time somebody says this, you know you’re in trouble.

We finally spoke on the phone and I asked why she was avoiding me. Was she seeing someone else? Did I do something wrong? You know, I have feelings too. Then it occurred to me…I was the chick. She was casually dating me having her fun while I was making plans for a relationship. She did to me what I’ve done to most girls I’ve dated. Have my fun. Avoid the talk. Do my own thing. So now I know what it feels like. So the moral of the story is... date several girls at once.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

The All-Fictional Movie/TV Pro Basketball Team

THE STARTING FIVE

GUARDS

JESUS SHUTTLESWORTH(He Got Game): Jesus is smooth, sleek and skilled; he got game. Just imagine if a player like this really existed (oh, wait...) Not only is he a leader on the court, but he is also nice role model as he raises his little sister and avoids the temptations of the street. On a side note, his rapping skills are top-notch: “I am Jesus/I am the man/I’m tired of these questions/ about my plan. ROLL CALL!


SCOTT HOWARD (Teen Wolf): This kid proved he could play as both human and wolf; a very difficult feat to accomplish since most people have trouble morphing into wolves. Although the human Scott Howard can only use his right hand and can barely make a lay-up, I feel his presence, energy and determination could help make this team (he could easily turn into a Steve Nash.) I love his supporters: Dad, Boof, and Styles (I have no idea why Styles T-shirts never caught on. My favorite was: “What are you looking at DickNose?”) And not only did Howard stand up to Mick at the end of the final game, but he also banged his girlfriend in wolf form---Scott Howard is certified badass, and a guy I want on my team.

CENTER

ROGER MURDOCK (Airplane): He looks like Kareem-Abdul Jabbar, but he is actually Roger Murdock, the co-pilot. When challenged by the little boy Joey, he proved his passion for the game of basketball.

JOEY: “I think you're the greatest, but my dad says you don't work hard enough on defense. And he says that lots of times, you don't even run down court. And that you don't really try... except during the playoffs.”

ROGER MURDOCK: “The hell I don't. LISTEN KID. I've been hearing that crap ever since I was at UCLA. I'm out there busting my buns every night. Tell your old man to drag Walton and Lanier up and down the court for 48 minutes.”

That’s a guy I want on my team!


FORWARDS

NEON(Blue Chips): He is a must play Blue Chip at center. He is talented, strong, and totally raw. Not only is he a freak on the court, but he also is determined to finally change the SATs which are definitely culturally biased.


JIMMY CHITWOOD(Hoosiers): This Hoosier is as clutch as they come. If he has the right coach, he will dominate. A great jumper, and he always wants the ball for the last shot. Mention the picket fence and his eyes light up. His Aunt is attractive.


THE BENCH


SYDNEY DEAN AND BILLY HOYLE (White Men Can’t Jump): This duo ran the table at Venice Beach. They even beat out legendary players King and Duck in a pickup game. They could be the Rafer Alston’s of my team: converting their And1 skills to NBA talent. And although Sydney’s specialty move: the 360-around-the-back-3-step lay-up is a traveling violation, the NBA, with their loose rules, would actually allow it. And Billy Hoyle is nothing but a chicken-wing-on-a-string. His sweet jumper, vision, and defense takes him from chump to champ. As long as he doesn’t bring Gloria “Foods that begin with the letter Q” Clemente with him, he’s in.







RICKY ROE(Blue Chips): Another Blue Chip member. I like him because he had the gall to ask for “ 30,000 in cash, you can put it in one of those duffel bags…” Plus he’s from the same town as Larry Legend. (What a great cameo by Larry Bird. His acting performance rivals his old McDonald’s commercial for the Larry Bird Burger…comes with pickles, onions and lots of barbeque sauce...)





MAX ZAMPHIRESCU (My Giant): A Romanian Giant could be a very intimidating center on the basketball court. I’ve never actually seen the movie, but I heard it is “A comedy of incredible proportions.” What’s not to love!








JULIE CONNOR (“HANG TIME”): Who could forget the girl from “Hang Time?" Although the hoops at Hang Time were only 8’, she still never missed a shot. She learned a lot playing for Reggie Theus and Dick Butkus. It’s also nice to have an attractive girl on the bench.










ASSISTANT COACH

COACH FINSTOCK (Teen Wolf): How can you not employ a coach who lives by this simple creed: “There are three rules that I live by: never get less than twelve hours sleep; never play cards with a guy who has the same first name as a city; and never get involved with a woman with a tattoo of a dagger on her body. Now you stick to that, and everything else is cream cheese.”

HEAD COACH

NORMAN DALE (Hoosiers): Coach Dale pulled off one of the greatest upsets of all time. And although he occasionally goes “Bobby Knight” on his kids, I still think he is the best. To quote Jimmy Chitwood: “Coach stays. I play. He goes, I go.” Coach definitely stays.

This is my All-Fictional Movie/TV Pro Basketball Team: They are invincible!!!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

My first blog: NFL Playoffs

I have no idea if this is going to work or if anyone will read this. But figured this will be an excellent way to procrastinate from getting real work done.

NFL PLAYOFFS

SAN DIEGO @ NEW ENGLAND

I went to my 1st Patriot's playoff game---it was the 1st time I've ever been to Gilette Stadium. The last game I saw in Foxboro was on September 23, 2001--the 1st game after 9/11. It was also the last time Drew Bledsoe started as a N.E. Patriot and the 1st time we ever saw a guy named Tom Brady. We lost the game, and I got scared when a plane flew over the stadium. How things have changed.

Pre-Game: we parked on a side street in front of some random suburban house. We walked through someone's backyard, into the woods, over a snow bank, and "poof" we were in the stadium. It was like the scene in Goodfellas/Swingers when they walk through the kitchen and then their inside the club.

We "sat" in our standing room seats which had a decent view of the field. It was so COLD I actually used foot and hand warmers. It was kind've like taking a chair lift to the top of the mountain, and then just hanging out up there for 6 hours. Imagine being a player; then imagine being at Lambeu field.

An attendant warned us that there would be a flyover and it would be "wicked loud." He lied. It was actually "wicked awesome!"

"KEVIN DOESN'T LIE" A vague text prediction from my buddy Adler before the game.

"FAULK YOU SAN DIEGO." A text from my buddy Bobby after the game.

Faulk and Maroney played great, and so did their over-the-hill 30-something year-old guys on defense. Let's be honest---it wasn't the most entertaining game to watch--reminded me of the Patriots from a few years ago---grind it out on offense, bend-don't break on defense. Win ugly, but still win.

Welker: he had 2 tackles after INTs. It went unnoticed, but I'm telling you, after Cromartie's returns last week, they were big tackles.

Rivers and LT: I don't get it. LT was listed as probable all week and played in only 3 plays. And Rivers was doubtful and played the whole game in a gutsy performance. Boomer Esiason was the only guy in the booth that had his back. I understand that Rivers could've hurt his team, but just ask Luis Castillo if he earned his team's respect. And who knows what they thought about LT...

A kleenex for the whale's vaginas: Last year, the Patriots were classless. This year Seymour was dirty. You would think San Diego would shut their mouth after they lose to the Patriots. Stop whining and go to the beach.

Good looking female fans: San Diego 56 vs. New England 0.

New England Fans: We win and are heading to the Super Bowl, 18-0. The Celtics are 33-6. The Red Sox have 2 World Series in 4 years. So why were there so many fights on Sunday? People were pushing, some guy ripped apart the ketchup stand, and one dude tried to pick a fight with a 9th grader who "stole" his seat. What is wrong with these people? These lunkheads drink a few beers, and suddenly it's chaos. Not only that, they got all "Dan Shaugnessy" at the start of the 4th quarter decalring the game was over and that we're heading to the Super Bowl. I'm looking forward to watching a lunkhead-free game at my friend's place on Feb. 3rd.

NEW YORK @ GREEN BAY

Donald Driver--90 yd TD catch. Of course once my fantasy season ends, he starts making these plays.

Being an Objective Fan: Man, if I was a fan of either team, I would've had a heart attack. It was nice to watch and just imagine the pain and agony my friend's were going through. My friend's wife had a great quote: "Why do you spend all week looking forward to being put through torture for 3 hours?" I don't know. We just do. My Mom had a great quote too: "Why does that kicker come on and keep missing?" She also said that Tom Coughlin looked like he was dying.

The Giants should've blown out the Packers. Did Favre even complete a pass after the 3rd quarter? He looked bored. On the other hand, the Giants played really well. A solid running game mixed with a mistake-free Eli= success. So Tynes missed 2 FGs, but he made the 3rd. I know after the game Coughlin was quoted as saying: "As long as you try your best and have fun, that's all that matters." And now the NYG are going to the Super Bowl.


SUPER BOWL PREVIEW

The NYG will go into the Super Bowl with a 10-1 record on the road; that's absurd. Of course, they still go in with the 2nd best road record: the Patriots were 8-0. They combine for an 18-1 road record; a stat that I don't think will ever be matched.

More to come soon...