Monday, April 27, 2009

30 Rules to Being 30+ (Rules 16-30)

For those that didn’t read Part I (Rules 1-15), please click on the link

Things start to change as a man gets older. Here’s Billy Crystal’s abbreviated take from City Slickers:

"Value this time in your life kids, because this is the time in your life when you still have your choices, and it goes by so quickly. When you're a teenager you think you can do anything, and you do. Your twenties are a blur. Your thirties, you raise your family, you make a little money and you think to yourself, "What happened to my twenties?"

Life changes once a man hits the big 3-0.

Without further ado, here is the rest of the list.

30 Rules to Being 30+: Rules 16-30

#16 Realizes Drinking Games are Unhealthy

Back in the day, man will drink anything, anywhere, anytime. He partakes in ice luges, keg stands, beer bongs, century clubs, power hours, 40’s nights. He also competes in a number of drinking games including quarters, kings, flip cup, and the mother of all games: Beer Pong or Beirut.

(For those who don’t know Beirut, click on this link to learn more:

But once the man hits 30, he starts to question how sanitary some of these games really are. Every time a shot is missed in Beirut, the ping-pong ball rolls onto the floor and collects dust, mites, bugs, mystery fluids, germs, and more germs. The player cleans the ball by dunking it in warm water for 3 seconds. Men under 30 are completely satisfied with this method. But as the man gets older, he realizes this does absolutely nothing. He mine as well be licking the floor.

As a result, the 30+ male is more apprehensive about taking part in drinking games such as Beirut. But since the game is so amazing, there are times when he cannot resist from playing. But as he plays, he knows he will have to be on antibiotics in about a week.

#17 Drinks Whiskey or Scotch

This tends to happen in the mid-thirties. To be sophisticated, the 30+ man must drink whiskey, scotch, or something equally terrible. (“Glenlivet/Glenfiddich/Glenmoragne...Anything with a Glen in it." ) And it’s got to be on the rocks or straight up; no mixing because that makes it taste better.

#18 No More Experimenting With Drugs

Experimenting is for high school, college, and the 20’s. Once the man is 30+, he’s too old for that kind of stuff. Plus, if there’s a bad outcome (OD, arrest, etc.), he has no excuse. People will be very disappointed and say: “You’re 30+ years-old; you should have known better.”

#19 Can’t Deal with Hangovers

When men are in college, they can recover from hangovers in 1-3 hours. They take an Advil, drink a Gatorade, take a nap, and they are back to normal. The 30+ male can only reminisce how easy it once was. It can take the 30+ man up to one week to recover from a hangover. He will be a mess at work, home, and social functions.

As a result, the man must monitor his nightly consumption of booze. He cannot afford to have a hangover because that could ruin his entire week.

#20 Attends Cocktail Parties

The evolution of parties is really quite interesting. In high school, the man parties anywhere: a vacant parking lot, the pond across the street, a condemned warehouse. In college, it turns into dorm rooms, fraternity houses, and cheap apartments. After college, it’s house parties and birthday parties at lounges and bars. Once the man hits his 30’s, the parties become much tamer. If he is attached, he will no doubt be attending cocktail parties.

The cocktail party will consist of a handful of couples. The 30+ man will take part in a series of boring conversations while sipping on whiskey or scotch. He hopes the TV will be on so he can watch the game. If it is, he is content. If not, he must swallow his anger, and participate in the board game Cranium.

#21 Talks About Money

Most 30+ men love talking about money because they are getting older and must think about the future. They focus on the stock market, real estate, and costs of weddings. Most men memorize 3-5 facts about money or finance so they can seem intelligent at cocktail parties. If a 30+ man knows very little, he will use a phrase like: “The market is killing me.” The 30+ man usually complains about money because he wishes he had more.

#22 No Longer Likes to “Rough It”

When man is younger, it was cool to “rough it.” It was a way of impressing other people and showing them that he could survive with very little.

Now that the man is 30+, he has more money and less people to impress. He wants to stay in a comfortable hotel (not a hostel) and have a real suitcase (not a backpack.) Every once in a while he will “rough it” (go camping) to show that he is still young, but he’d really rather be sitting by a pool and getting pampered.

#23 Wears a Brace During Sports

The man in his 20’s scoffs at the old man athletes and their ankle, knee, and elbow braces. It looks like they’re preparing for a battle. But that man will soon hit 30 and understand why. Without those braces, the 30+ man is an injury waiting to happen. Thirty years of wear and tear has left the man fragile and vulnerable. The braces are like Elmer’s glue for the 30+ year old body. Without them, he will literally fall apart.

#24 Suffers from Tendonitis

The 30+ man will feel pain in his ankles, knees, elbows, and any other joint you can think of. When he visits Dr. Greenberg, the doctor will explain that it’s just tendonitis. When the 30+ man asks what that means, Dr. Greenberg will simply explain: “You’re just getting old.”

#25 Likes Being Part of Facebook

Facebook is a perfect place for the 30+ man to catch up with old friends. Since he has been around for three decades, he has friends from all over the place: high school, college, graduate school, summer camp, old jobs. At first he is vehemently against joining, but once he is on, he cannot stop adding friends, updating his status, and posting picture albums. He will also use the term Facebook enthusiastically at least once a week in conversation. For example, “My old college buddy Facebooked me last week; we’re gonna meet for drinks this weekend!”

But the 30+ man really loves Facebook because it’s a perfect place for stalking ex-girlfriends and the girls that got away.

#26 Enjoys Reading Books

For most of his young life, man is in school and is forced to read books. He associates reading with stress, anxiety, and boredom. Plus, he thinks like Rodney Dangerfield in Back to School. Read? Who has the time? He’d rather see the movie…he’s in and out in two hours.

But once the man hits 30, he craves reading. He’s watched every possible thing on TV a million times, and wishes he had another outlet. In an epiphany, he recalls that reading could actually be cool sometimes. So he picks up a book (usually a Best Seller) and finishes the entire thing. Afterwards, he feels a sense of pride. There’s something rewarding about starting and finishing something. As a result, he feels really smart. He refers to books in everyday conversation, and asks others to recommend more books for him to read.

#27 Gets Fatter

Before the man hits 30, he has a magical metabolism. He can eat whatever he wants, and somehow doesn't gain weight. But once his body is 30+, that magic metabolism just shuts off. The man gains weight, and wonders if he should change his daily intake of Oreo cookies, ice cream, beer and pizza. He tries to watch what he eats, and attempts to excercise more often. He becomes intrigued with scales and weighing himself. Some men have the resiliency and work ethic to stay fit. But most 30+ guys can't do it and just get fatter.

#28 & #29 Gets Married & Has Children

Men may not have biological clocks, but they are well aware that the 30’s are for getting married and having kids. If you ever receive a phone call from a 30+ man, and he has something exciting to tell you, it means: He is getting married or having a kid. The 30+ male who is not married/doesn’t have kids pretends not to care. He claims how much he loves the single life, but in the back of his head, he wants to be whipped/tired/have no life just like all of his married friends.

#30 Still Acts Like a Big Kid

When men were boys, they couldn’t wait to be old. Now that their older, they wish they were young again. This is the main reason you see the 30+ man acting silly, immature, and goofy. He can’t be young again, but he can always be young at heart.


J said...

Great post...although I have to admit I think in all the games of Beirut / Beer Pong in my 20's and 30's I've never washed the ball off in water and actually hadn't thought about it until now...thanks

The Laughing Idiot said...

This is great! I remember looking for that "grown-up" drink - the ameretto sours just seemed so 20-something.

Taking a cue from Sex in the City, I tried Cosmos - they're ok, but I found a "Violet" Martini that is devine. Martini's seem much more grown up, don't you think?

Anyway, that's just a chic's view on the matter.

Kate Savage said...

What a shameless plug in my comments! Whatever should I do? Reciprocate! :P

I'm 30+, but never have been much of a rule follower...

You can read all about that at mine,

Anonymous said...

You got Facebook nailed down to a tee, at least in my office (IT department). He will never admit the truth about stalking high school girlfriends, but I know it's true.

Anonymous said...

This was awesome. Loved all 30. Thanks!

Carmo said...

"But since the game is so amazing, there are times when he cannot resist from playing. But as he plays, he knows he will have to be on antibiotics in about a week"

This is the truth, every time I play I know in a day or two I will feel the tickle in my throat and a day after that I will be on a Z-pack. Good stuff!