Sunday, April 19, 2009

30 Rules to Being 30+

People say age doesn’t matter, but once you hit your 30’s, life starts to change. Now that I’ve reached that milestone, I’ve noticed there are certain things that I just can’t do anymore. There are also certain things that I should be doing because I’m in my 30’s.

I’ve been working on this list for a while, but I admit How I Met Your Mother’s recent episode, “The Murtaugh List”, also inspired me. For those who didn’t see the episode, the characters made a list of things that they’re just too old to do anymore.

Here is their “I’m just too old for this stuff” list: Get Ear Pierced, Go to a Rave, Crash on a Friend’s Futon Instead of Staying at a Hotel, Do Laundry at Mom’s House, Put off Going to the Doctor, Drinking Shots with Strangers, Laser Tag, Use a Beer Bong, Pull an All-Nighter, Eat an Entire Pizza in One Sitting, Hang posters on Your Walls without Frames, Leave an Annoying 2 Person Message on Your Answering Machine, Help Someone Move out in Exchange for Pizza and Beer, Dye Your Hair a Funny Color.

Here are my 30 rules to being 30+. They are not steadfast rules and I'm sure there are exceptions, but within my circle of friends, they tend to ring true.

This is how life changes once a man hits the big 3-0.

#1 Starts Using The Term: “When I was young…”

The 30+ man cannot resist reminiscing about the good old times. He looks back to his 20’s and often recites the phrase “When I was young…” and then follows it with something fun. “When I was young I could play sports all day, party all night, wake up early, do the same thing all over again, and still feel great!” The man then enthusiastically tells a series of entertaining stories of how fun life used to be.

#2 Hesitant About Saying His Age

When man is in is 20’s, he doesn’t mind stating how old he is. But once he hits the 30+ mark, there is a short pause before he announces his age. This is because he feels old. This commonly happens when speaking to those in their 20’s especially women. The response is usually sympathetic: “That’s OK.” Or “You look much younger.” But the 30+ man does not want sympathy; he just wants to blend in with everyone else.

#3 Tries to Play Golf

The 30+ man must play golf because that’s what adults do. He takes lessons, and hopes one day it will come in handy on a work retreat. He will buy outfits, clubs, and follow Tiger Woods. Despite putting much time into the sport, he is still awful.

#4 Pretends to Know Wine

The 30+ man pretends to know wine so he can seem more mature. This is the same man who drank boxes of wine in college. But now things are different. He’s watched Sideways and has gone on at least one wine tour. Now, he smells his wine before he drinks it and is quite sophisticated.

#5 Fear of Adventure Sports

When man is young, he has no fears. He zips down a double black diamond ski slope full speed; jumps out of airplanes; surfs in shark infested waters. Then he comes to a realization. “These activities could kill me.” Once fear sets in, those sports don’t seem so appealing. Some men may still participate in them to prove their youth, but they’re either scared shitless or in serious denial.

#6 Realizes He Will Never Be a Pro Athlete

Every boy’s little dream is to be a pro athlete; baseball, football, basketball, etc. Most learn at a young age that this is impossible. But some play sports in high school and even garner an athletic scholarship to college. In their 20’s, they could bounce around on a few club teams. But once they hit 30, and have not made it, the dream is over. The next step is usually coaching at their old high school. Once again, most men realize this when they're much younger, but all know they're officially done if they haven't made it by 30.

#7 Can’t Learn New Video Games

You give a 30+ man a classic Nintendo, and he’s in heaven. His eyes will light up when he sees Zelda, Super Mario Bros., Metroid, Contra, Mega Man, Castlevania, Ninja Gaiden, Double Dribble, Tecmo Bowl, Baseball Stars, Ice Hockey, and Mike Tyson's Punch-Out. He remembers all of the tricks and feels young again. (For example, Contra: Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start or Mike Tyson's Punch Out: 007 373 5963.)

You give a 30+ man an Xbox 360 or Playstation 3 for the first time, his response is: “Why are there so many buttons?” The 30+ man struggles to understand the game and after dying quickly, walking into a wall for 2 minutes, or getting crushed in a sports game, he quickly gives up. Then he reminisces how great Nintendo was.

(*The only exception may be Nintendo Wii because some of the games you can play by simply using 1 or 2 buttons.*)

#8 Believes New Music is Loud and Terrible

It’s one of the biggest clichés, but it’s so true. “Keep that music down” is a term 30+ people start to use. They wonder how kids can listen to that garbage, and then try to lecture them about where real music came from. Teenagers could care less, and the 30+ man feels old.

#9 Tucks in His Shirt

Once man is in his 30’s, he must look more mature. Therefore, his shirt can no longer hang loosely in front of him. Even though this is much more comfortable, he must tuck it in. This makes him look well put together and successful. As the years progress, the man lifts his pants higher for the automatic tuck.

#10 Goes Running

It takes man about 30 years before realizing that he likes to run. He can do it by himself, it keeps him in shape, and it’s free. It also gives him time to think about life. Plus, when people ask, how much did you run today, he can respond proudly and modestly: “Just a few miles.” Lastly, the 30+ man can run for charity. This gives him a sense of accomplishment.

#11 Needs Sleep

Back in the day, a man would sacrifice sleep for anything exciting. For example, if a girl offered to come by at 3 am on a Tuesday, he was in even if he had to wake up at 6 am. There would be no hesitation whatsoever. Now that he’s in his 30’s, the man weighs his options. If the girl comes by, he will lose sleep. If he loses sleep, he will be a mess at work, and then the next day is ruined. Then, he might get sick. Then, the week might be ruined. Is it really worth it? No man below 30 would ever think about these things.

#12 Pick-Up Basketball Isn’t Fun Anymore

Pick up basketball used to be so much fun. The man could go alone to the courts and be included in a game just by saying: “I got next.” But once the man hits 30, he starts to see the negative side of pick-up. Most of the men playing are angry, bitter, and annoying. There’s the guy who thinks he’s great, but is terrible; the guy that yells at you; the guy who calls a foul for everything; the guy who argues every call; and the guy who hasn’t been laid in a while so he wants to fight everyone.

The 30+ man is tired of dealing with all of these characters. He just wants to exercise and enjoy some healthy competition. As a result, he joins organized leagues, or plays only with friends. Pick-up just isn’t fun anymore.

(*The only exception to pick-up is when the man is a “regular” at the courts. As a result, the man is treated with respect because of his seniority and can enjoy his time there.*)

#13 Needs to Stretch

It’s not until 30 when the man realizes, if he doesn’t stretch, he will hurt himself. He knows he looks like Woody Harrelson from White Man Can’t Jump, but it’s for his own safety. While stretching, different parts of his body crack that he never knew could.

This precaution has to occur before even the most basic activity: basketball, air hockey, getting up in the morning. Sometimes, the 30+ man will stretch for no reason at all just to make sure everything’s working. If the 30+ man chooses not to stretch, the consequence is injury and embarrassment. The limping man must then explain how he pulled his hamstring playing whiffle ball.

#14 Can’t Seriously Date Girls in Their Early 20’s

Most 30+ men have tried it, and it just doesn’t work out. It’s confusing at first because it seems so perfect. The early 20’s girl is fun, fit, and attractive. She likes to hook up; she likes to go out. What’s not to like about that?

The problem is that the 30+ man starts to analyze the situation and realizes something is off. The hooking up is fun, but everything else is painful. The early 20’s girl tends to have an extremely short attention span. She is the best texter around, and cannot breathe without her phone (lol.) Her eyes dart to and fro her cell phone during conversations (brb.) She rarely listens to the 30+ man, and all conversations revolve around the girl or her job (:)) He realizes that he could say something offensive and shocking, but it wouldn’t matter, because she’s not listening anyways (ttyl.)

Furthermore, the 30+ male cannot endure spending time with her friends who wear too much make-up and go to trendy clubs. The final straw occurs while drinking red bull & vodkas and trying to converse with the other boyfriends: early 20’s douchebags.

The 30+ man feels out of place and finally thinks to himself: “What am I doing here?”

He’s just too old to date girls in their early 20’s.

#15 Gives Advice to Younger People

The 30+ man has been there and done that. Now that he is wise and glorious, he will mentor/lecture those younger than him. The younger people will receive the guidance whether they asked for it or not. It takes time, but the 30+ man eventually realizes that he is turning into his father.

Since I am getting older, I can only write so much at a time.

So the list continues next week…

Rules 16-30:


Nick said...

Haha very funny list that is very true. Everybody I know over the age of 30 does most of those things. Can't wait to see the next 15.

Elise said...

30 is the point where the R word comes into play for guys. Yep, responsibility. And you know something... I think its SEXY!


Anonymous said...

Hey It was fun reading your Rules!! And It makes me think of what are my do's and dont in the 30's ! Have some thinkig to do !!

Afternoon Tea Break said...

This is hilarious! Am not yet in my 30s, mind, but it still makes me laugh! I could see what you meant about rule #14 - that was me in my early 20s when I was dating a much older bloke - I now understand what on earth he was going through!


E_M_Y said...


- Jan - said...

Hahaha ... I think your list is both true and entertaining. It helps me figuring out my husband now that he's in his 30's :)
Thanks for making me laugh and giving me insights.

Christine said...

This is great ... although being a girl in her 40's .... related to alot of it!

Christine said...

I have a little something for you to pick up on my blog :O)

chicamom85 said...

So true that it hurts.

triton said...

haha this is funny;) mind you m not 30+, but makes me laugh reading it...looking forward for the next 15 . btw u dont mind right i saved this on my comp