Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Tufts University: How to Not Get Lucky Your Freshman Year

All through high school, I heard how easy it was to meet girls in college. And then I enrolled at Tufts University in Medford, MA. My freshman year was in 1996. I was inexperienced, had little confidence, and looked like I was 12 years-old. It was challenging to meet girls as most of the student body spent their time studying at Tisch Library. When I did meet girls, they saw me as their little brother, and constantly pinched my cheeks, and ruffled my hair.

Sometimes, I wished I had attended Florida State or the University of Arizona where pretty girls had loose morals and made bad choices. Tufts did offer some fun; I attended fraternity parties in dark basements, swallowed Jell-O shots, and competed at Beer Pong. But I didn’t stand a chance in the women department as freshman girls were plucked away by upperclassmen night after night. While they enjoyed a romp in the bedroom, I stumbled late night to the local pizza place Espresso, ate a buffalo chicken calzone, and complained to my new best friends how women sucked.

Just once, I wanted to bring a girl back to my dorm room my freshman year. I could’ve shown her my Simpsons tapes, Red Sox signed baseballs, and Dali posters. I could’ve knotted a tie on the door so my roommate knew he’d been sexiled for the evening. Or my girl and I could’ve enjoyed the kinkiness of being extra quiet because my roommate was asleep in his bed just a few feet away. I yearned to do the walk of shame just once to see what it was like. But my freshman year never turned out that way.

As I look back, I realize that the college environment was not the best place for me in terms of meeting women. I found it easiest to meet girls in middle school. There were no games. You simply approached a girl in the school hallway, and said: “Will you go out with me?” If she said yes, you smiled, stood awkwardly in silence, and then went back to your friends to tell them the good news; that you now had a girlfriend.

I even found meeting girls easier after college. In the real world, there was structure, and that was exactly what I craved. Whether I had dinner or drinks with a girl, my intentions were very clear. I wasn’t trying to make a new friend. I was trying to find someone to hook up with and possibly someone to date. And she was doing the same.

But in college, everything was broad and unclear. There were no rules. No structure. It was a free for all, and I was always the last one in line. One moment a girl was your friend, and the next week you guys were hooking up. And the week after that, she didn’t even know you existed. Then she was your friend again. It was unpredictable, confusing, and never really worked for me.

I tried to break the rules, and asked a girl on a date once. She was confused by my question. Not only did she reject me, but she also explained the reason why: “freshman don’t date in college, they just have fun.” Based on that assessment, my freshman year was not very fun at least in the women department.

As I got older, I learned the ropes, grew more confidence, and found meeting women much easier. And although I’m complaining, my overall college experience was great. But when it came to women, my freshman year was tough at Tufts.

As if getting laid at Tufts as a freshman wasn’t hard enough, this national news story broke in the beginning of October:

Tufts University: No sex in room while roommate is present

(CNN) -- A new policy at Tufts University prohibits students in dorms from having sex while their roommate is in the room, according to the university's 2009-2010 student handbook.
The Massachusetts university's formal rule also bars so-called "sexiling" -- exiling a roommate from the room so the other roommate can engage in sexual activity.

The new policy "is really about consideration and respect for others and the need for students to be mindful of their roommates' need for privacy, study and sleep," university spokeswoman Kim Thurler told CNN.

She said while she did not have an exact number of complaints from students about their roommates' behavior, "over the last few years, the Office of Residential Life and Learning received approximately a dozen expressions of concern about this issue."
Callie Morton, a freshman at Tufts, told CNN affiliate WHDH-TV, "If someone is going to go and have sex while their roommate is in the room, I mean I think that's kind of gross. I think it's kind of funny that they would have to make a rule about it."

The new guidelines for students hosting overnight guests say, "You may not engage in sexual activity while your roommate is present in the room. And sexual activity within your assigned room should not ever deprive your roommate(s) of privacy, study, or sleep time."

Other students agree that the new rule is going to be difficult to implement.
"I don't think it's something that can really be enforced per se," an unidentified
Tufts University student told WHDH. "I don't understand how that's going to work."

Thurler explained that if a problem is identified and brought to the attention of residence officials, the university will help the affected student have a conversation with his/her roommate to address the situation.

"In some cases, we might intervene on behalf of the student," Thurler said, "and speak with their roommate directly and explain what is expected of them while they live in the residence halls."

Thurler wouldn't comment on possible disciplinary action by the university if a student breaks the rules.

My Reaction

When I read this the first time, I was furious. How could they do this to the freshman? Don’t they know how hard it is to meet girls already? But then I took a moment, and thought about it some more.

This rule might not be so bad. And here are 5 reasons why:

#5 Reverse Psychology

It may actually be easier for freshman guys to hook up with this rule in place. Everyone knows that young people hate the establishment and will do anything to rebel against it. So if “the man” says not to hook up, more people will. Girls will be excited and more inclined to come to your room because it’s “against the rules.”

This was the trend at Jewish summer camps across America. My camp attempted to enforce a stern “no fraternization” rule. It didn’t work out too well. More people hooked up at my camp then any place in the free world.

#4 Tufts Will No Longer Be Known as: “The Safety School For the Ivy League.”

Tufts will now be known as: “The school where freshman can’t get laid…and if they do, they will be punished by their RA.”

#3 More Adventurous and Kinky Hook Up Stories

Since dorm rooms are off limits, freshman will have to be more creative. Students will finally put good use to the library, gym, dining hall, and quad. Games of “I never” will never be so much fun. “I’ve never hooked up underneath Jumbo the elephant.” Everybody drink.

#2 Tufts May Be a Top 25 School Again

Tufts has recently dropped out of the top 25 according to the U.S News World and Report. And the reason: those damn freshman kids are having too much sex. With the ban of hooking up in dorms, Tufts students will finally have a chance to study, focus on their classes, and get us back in the Top 25.

#1 I Will No Longer Be the Only Freshman at Tufts Who Didn’t Get Lucky

Welcome to the club, boys. It makes you bitter, unhappy, and resentful towards women. But besides that, you’ll be fine. I mean, I ended up OK. Right?

1 comment:

Danny said...

Hilarious, well-written, and sounds just like my freshman year! Bravo