Wednesday, December 29, 2010

2010 Movies: Year in Review

I estimated that I saw 28 movies in the theatre this year. I’ve decided to rank and write a short review for each one from worst to best.

#28 Dinner for Schmucks

This movie was dreadful from the title to the writing to the acting. I actually saw the original French version 11 years ago while living in Spain. It was in French with Spanish subtitles: I didn’t understand a thing, but it was still funnier then this piece of garbage. Shame on you: Steve Carell, Paul Rudd, and Zach Galifianakis. 

#27 Robin Hood

This movie was terrible. Read my full review here: Robin Hood blows!

#26 Cop Out

I actually snuck into this movie as part of a double feature. It’s the first time I’ve ever snuck in and then in the middle, snuck out. The movie was more painful then funny. Remember when Kevin Smith created Clerks, Chasing Amy, and Mallrats? Those were the days. The only highlight is that part of it was shot in Bushwick/Brooklyn!

#25 A-Team























I grew up watching the show and humming the theme song. In retrospect, it may not have been as good as I remembered. The movie version was fairly average—some decent action scenes, a scattered story, and weak character development. I found myself missing Mr. T. This was more like the C-Team.

#24 Unstoppable

This was originally titled Speed 3: The Train that Couldn’t Stop. Although it’s based on a true story, the plot is kind of ridiculous. It’s about a train that couldn’t stop. Denzel does his usual I’m-an-ordniary-Joe-but-also-a-hero thing. The action scenes were riveting, but the rest of it was pretty silly. The majority of the movie was narrated by news reporters which got on my nerves. One of my favorite parts was that Denzel’s hot daughters worked at Hooters. That was cool.

#23 Cyrus

Indie film lovers and hipsters will rave over this movie, but it was really just ok. John C. Reilly meets a new woman, but has to deal with her early 20’s son, Jonah Hill. The first 15 minutes was fun with John C Reilly stealing the show. And Jonah Hill got a few laughs being awkward. But there’s a good hour of nothingness, and the same joke over and over again. In the end, it’s above average, but if you watch it when you’re tired, you may fall asleep.

#21/#22 The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo/The Girl Who Played with Fire






















The books swept the nation this summer. I read all three and could not go a day without seeing them read on the subway or in the park. The Swedish movies have all been released, and the Americans get a crack at it next summer.

The Dragon Tattoo was the best book and so was the movie. It was DARK, mysterious and thrilling. The biggest con to reading the book was that I knew all the twists and turns ahead of time. Despite this, it was still exciting. Just as a warning, some scenes were extremely dark and tough to stomach (guaranteed that the American version will dumb it down a bit.)

The second movie was not quite as good with the exception of seeing Miriam Wu naked. It had its moments, but did not have the same excitement as the first one.

*I read the 3rd book, but did not see the movie. I hate to say it, but I didn’t really like it. It was really slow, and there were too many random characters with funny sounding names. Plus, Lisbeth doesn’t really do anything. It should have been re-titled: The Girl Who Sits in her Hospital Room. *

#20 Green Zone

This was a fairly forgettable movie starring Matt Damon. It was decently made, but nothing special. I kept waiting for him to turn into Jason Bourne, but it never happened. I suggest watching this on a rainy Sunday, and you will probably like it.

#19 Date Night

I’m embarrassed to say it, but I saw this with my buddy Barry on a Saturday night, a date night if you will. But he had discounted tickets so that was pretty cool.

This movie was cute, kind of like the girl that’s neither ugly nor attractive. Cute. It had some funny moments, but nothing special. If Carell and Fey were replaced by two less popular actors, say Scott Bakula and Teri Hatcher, it would’ve gone straight to video.

 #18 The Other Guys

I wanted to love this movie, but it was only okay. Will Ferrell is, dare I say it, getting a little stale. But The Other Guys did throw in lots of jokes, and there were a lot of laugh out loud moments.

I may have liked it more if I hadn’t watched it at a theatre in Times Square. The guy behind me kept putting his foot on top of my seat, there were babies crying (at a midnight show to boot), a few people were on the phone, and I was petrified of being attacked by bed bugs. If all those things hadn’t happened, I probably would have liked this movie more.

#17 The Expendables















The Expendables was exactly what I expected. The action scenes were ridiculously good, and the dialogue was unintentionally funny. It was a throwback to the old school 80’s action movies. If you thought this looked stupid, then don’t see it. If you got excited when you heard about this, it will be good nostalgic fun.

#16 Knight and Day

This spy movie was unexpectedly fun. It’s not perfect, but it’s far better then it’s getting credit for. (Extra props because many of the scenes took place in Boston.) Check out my friend Matt’s review at Double O Section.

#15 Hot Tub Time Machine

This movie didn’t take itself seriously, and as a result, was very funny. It was vulgar, over the top, and silly, but I love that stuff. And if you like 80’s references, you will definitely dig this too. For a full review, click on: I love the 80's!

#14 Get Him to The Greek

There were three scenes in this movie that will have you on the floor. The rest of the movie was uneven, and even a little slow, but overall it was a fun time. I had a special spot for Get Him to the Greek because it was in the unofficial sequel to Forgetting Sarah Marshall, one of my favorites of the last ten years. This was not nearly as good, but will still have you laughing out loud a bunch of times. 

#13 Shutter Island

This was a creepy thriller with some good twists and turns. It’s not Scorcese’s best, but still a lot of fun. Some loved the ending, some didn’t. I thought it was well worth the price of admission. (It also takes places in the Boston area.)

#12 Easy A






















This lighthearted comedy starring Emma Stone flew under the radar. It was funny, clever, and well written. Stone stole the show as a sassy, nerdy, hot high school girl who spreads rumors about herself to form an identity. This movie was like a poor man’s Clueless or Mean Girls—not a classic, but still very fun and entertaining. 

#11 Kick Ass

This was another underrated movie. Many shied away from it because it was yet another comic book movie and it starred Nicolas Cage. But I was shocked how fun it was, and how good the action scenes were. Hit Girl, a 10 year old, definitely kicked the most ass. For a full review, check out the link: This movie kicked ass!

#9/#10 Waiting for Superman/Race to Nowhere

I would be remiss if I didn’t put these movies somewhere near the top ten. Waiting for Superman was a documentary about our state of education in the USA. It was made by the same people who created An Inconvenient Truth. It was well made, and should get more people talking about education. Although I didn’t agree with all of it, hopefully it will get some dialogue started about how to improve education and help more kids.

http://www.waitingforsuperman.com/

Race to Nowhere is another documentary about education. It focuses on students who feel the pressures of acing every exam and paper. And it examines the idea of students burning out in order to achieve academic success. The creator is not distributing the film through the theatres. Instead, it’s being featured at schools across the country. Educators and families can watch together and then have a discussion about its impact on them. I had the pleasure of doing this and it was profoundly memorable.

http://www.racetonowhere.com/

#8 Grown Ups

You might think I put this in by accident, but it’s not a mistake. I really liked this movie. It received hideous reviews, and I admit, it was stupid, but for some reason I really liked it. It reminded me of camp: boys being boys, going to water parks, playing basketball, ragging on each other, staring at hot girls. In essence, this is what Grown Ups and growing up was all about. My friend hated this movie and couldn’t believe I recommended it. But I didn’t recommend it for her. It was for her husband, and one of my best friends, who also went to camp. Most would rank this movie as one of the worst of the year, but to me it surprisingly cracked the top ten.

#7 127 Hours

Danny Boyle brings this story to life with some amazing directing, and James Franco carries the rest of it all by himself. It’s about the hiker who gets his arm stuck under a rock for 127 hours. I’m not going to tell you if he escapes, but you might need to cover your eyes towards the end.

#6 The Town

Ben Affleck has been in Matt Damon’s shadow long enough. This guy can act (sometimes), and he can also direct. The Town may not have the best title, but it is an excellent thriller/action movie. It’s intense, funny, and smart. And it boasts one of the best scenes of the year that takes place at Fenway Park. Great movie! (Another Boston one for you!)

#5 Toy Story 3























Pixar wins again! Toy Story 3 is not just an ordinary animated movie. The animation is gorgeous, and it feels like you’re watching real life. The characters are toys, but they feel like real people too. The story is powerful, witty, and at times very dark. In fact, for some scenes I was genuinely scared.  By the end, you’ll probably have tears in your eyes. I recommend wearing 3-D glasses, that way nobody will see you crying by the end.

#4 The Fighter




















This is one of the best films of the year. The Fighter is not a simple underdog story. The movie is not just about fighting or boxing. But it’s really about fighting to be somebody, fighting against drug addiction, fighting amongst a family, and finally fighting to be a champion. The boxing scenes are amazing and the performance by Christian Bale and others are award winning. I actually stood up and cheered during some of the scenes. The Pride of Lowell brings it home! (And gives us yet another Boston movie in the mix.)


#3 Black Swan















I knew nothing about Black Swan before I saw it. I was on the edge of my seat the entire time…it was amazing! In order to be a responsible reviewer, I must add the following. It’s an amazing movie, but it’s also really disturbing and uncomfortable to sit through. Darren Aronofsky, who directed Requiem for a Dream (one of the most disturbing movies ever made) has a way of making audiences feel uncomfortable. It’s almost like the movie is really happening, you’re in it, and you’re losing your mind too.

Black Swan is about a ballerina who goes mad striving for perfection. It sounds simple, and that’s why the movie is so great. It’s impossible to decipher reality from fantasy/nightmare, and as a viewer you have no idea what will happen next. Black Swan reminded me of Rosemary’s Baby, Fight Club and Misery all rolled into one.

The acting in Black Swan is also incredible. Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman (hottest Jewish lesbian scene of all time!) will definitely win the MTV award for best kiss (and more.) It’s the first time I almost drooled on myself, not figuratively, literally. During “the love scene”, I almost stood up and cheered, but I was so drawn in that I could barely move. 

This movie is sexy, intense, scary, and utterly chaotic. I loved it!


#2 Inception






















Inception is another marvelous feat for Christopher Nolan. He wrote it himself, and brought beauty and brilliance onto the big screen. The movie features four climaxes simultaneously, something I’ve never seen on the big screen or even heard of (except in maybe adult film.)

As someone who studied psychology, I found the idea of invading someone’s sub-conscious fascinating. Because when you think about it, it happens in life every single day. As politicians, educators, advertisers, etc. we try to get people to think a certain way. But you can’t just tell them. You almost have to convince them that it was their idea. This is what Inception is all about. It’s a beautiful movie deserving of many awards on Oscar night.

#1 The Social Network






















I watched the Social Network twice in the theatres, and I couldn’t get enough. My only criticism would be to drop the “the” in The Social Network. The writing, acting, and directing make it a nearly flawless movie. Jesse Eisenberg, who I’ve loved since he was in Roger Dodger a decade ago, was excellent and his supporting cast (including JT) were sharp as well. (And it’s yet another movie that takes place primarily in the Boston area.)

Some have ranted that it’s not entirely true, but Hoosiers isn’t entirely accurate, and it’s still one of the best ever made. I’m not rating this #1 for the year based on accuracy. I’m rating it the best because it’s an incredibly well told and thought provoking film. 

It’s funny, smart, creative, fast-paced, and entertaining. It’s based on the book, The Accidental Billionaires written by Ben Mezrich. I bring this up because he also wrote one of my favorite books of all time, Bringing Down the House. The blackjack book was later turned into the movie 21. It was Hollywoodized with a bogus script and terrible directing. But I wondered what if got in the hands of talented filmmakers?

This is what happened with The Social Network. The writer (Sorkin), and the director (Fincher) make nearly every scene fun, funny, or fascinating. The dialogue is fast paced, clever, and witty. My favorite two scenes are at the AEPi party where they discuss why Jewish guys like Asian girls, and the rowing scene which is just beautiful to watch.

A million dollars isn't cool anymore. You know what's cool? 

Winning the Oscar for best movie of the year. Go post that on your facebook status! 

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

The Secret Leslie Nielsen Interview

Leslie Nielsen starred in two of my favorite movies of all-time, Airplane! and The Naked Gun. Sadly, he passed away this week. But I was lucky enough to have a fictional interview with him on September 31st. Here was the transcript:

ME: Welcome! Should I call you Leslie, Mr. Nielsen, Dr. Rumack?

LESLIE: I'm Lt. Frank Drebin! Police Squad!

ME: Thanks for coming. I hope you enjoyed the complimentary meal.

LESLIE: What was it we had for dinner tonight?

ME: Well, we had a choice of steak or fish.

LESLIE: Yes, yes, I remember, I had lasagna.

ME: So what is your background? You’re American?

LESLIE: No, Dutch-Irish. My father was from Wales.

ME: Going from serious roles to playing Dr. Rumack in Airplane! was a big chance to take, right?

LESLIE: I know. You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street or sticking your face in a fan.

ME: But weren’t you afraid you would fail? I’d like to be a writer someday, but I’m afraid of rejection and sometimes I just want to give up.

LESLIE: Well, I don't have anything to say, you've done the best you could. You really have; the best you could. You can't expect to win ‘em all. But, I want to tell you something I've kept to myself through these years. I was in the war myself, medical corps. I was on late duty one night when they brought in a badly wounded pilot from one of the raids. He could barely talk. He looked at me and said, "The odds were against us up there, but we went in anyway, I'm glad the Captain made the right decision." The pilot's name was George Zip.

ME: George Zip said that?

LESLIE: The last thing he said to me, "Doc," he said, "some time when the crew is up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, tell them to get out there and give it all they got and win just one for the Zipper. I don't know where I'll be then, Doc," he said, "but I won't smell too good, that's for sure."

ME: That's a great story. Speaking of stories, I’ve thought about selling out and writing a “Hollywood” script just to get my name out there. What do you think?

LESLIE: It's like eating a spoonful of Drano; sure, it'll clean you out, but it'll leave you hollow inside.

ME: You've been in Hollywood for years, what is it like dealing with screenwriters and producers and directors on a day-to-day basis and how do you survive?

LESLIE: I've been swimming in raw sewage, and I love it! I love it!

ME: I’ve heard acting can be dangerous…

LESLIE: It is. That's why I carry a big gun.

ME: Aren't you afraid it might go off accidentally?

LESLIE: I used to have that problem.

ME: What did you do about it?

LESLIE: I just think about baseball.

ME: What was it like working with OJ Simpson?

LESLIE: Interesting... almost as interesting as the photographs I saw today.

ME: How did you meet your first love?

LESLIE: It's the same old story. Boy finds girl, boy loses girl, girl finds boy, boy forgets girl, boy remembers girl, girls dies in a tragic blimp accident over the Orange Bowl on New Year's Day.

ME: Goodyear?

LESLIE: No, the worst.

ME: But you settled down and eventually had a family...

LESLIE: I've finally found someone I can love - and good, clean love... without utensils. I've noticed things that I never knew were there before... birds singing, dew glistening on a newly formed leaf, stoplights.

ME: But how did you know she was the “one?”

LESLIE: That delicately beautiful face. And a body that could melt a cheese sandwich from across the room. And breasts that seemed to say... "Hey! Look at these!" She was the kind of woman who made you want to drop to your knees and thank God you were a man! She reminded me of my mother, all right. No doubt about it.

ME: What should I say to a woman I’m interested in to get her attention?

LESLIE: It's a topsy-turvy world, and maybe the problems of two people don't amount to a hill of beans. But this is our hill. And these are our beans!
















ME: Surely, you can’t be serious.

LESLIE: I am serious, and don’t call me Shirley.

ME: You’re a big fan of my blog, The Corner. Do you have any final words of wisdom for me?

LESLIE: I just want to tell you good luck. We're all counting on you.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

The Turkey Bowl

I have some great football memories from over the years. I never played organized football with helmets and pads (Mom wouldn’t sign the permission slip), but I played with friends growing up. I remember competing in brutal games during recess in elementary school. Despite wrecking each other, nobody ever really got hurt.

As we got older, games grew more intense. Things settled down after one of my friends, trying to catch a deep pass, lost his two front teeth running into a UPS truck.

In college, I had the worst injury of my pick-up football career. It was intramural football—my fraternity (the preppy Jews) versus the lacrosse fraternity (the big, strong guys.) Their captains asked if we would play tackle. My fraternity brothers whimpered and were adamantly against it. My manhood hung on the line, and I was not going to back down. We would play tackle.

I then played the game of my life. I weaved in and out of traffic. I escaped tackles. I could not be stopped. I was Barry sanders, Danny Woodhead, and Rudy all rolled into one. We were crushing them. And that’s when “the play” happened.

"THE PLAY"

It was a 4th down. I pulled a Keyshawn Johnson and said: “Just give me the damn ball!” And they did. I broke two tackles, sidestepped another one, and then I had to make a brave choice. To my left were four guys ready to destroy me. To the right was the sideline, and directly in front of me was Bluto. He was a large mammal who resembled a bigger, stronger (less drunk) version of John Belushi from Animal House. I weighed my decision and ran directly towards the monster.

My eyes lit up and so did his. It was like a punch buggy running into a mack truck at full speed. I didn’t care. I was going to take him down. We collided and our momentum pushed us out of bounds. Bluto collapsed on top of me, and my shoulder slammed into the ground. CRACK!

I quickly popped up to my feet in order to show off my toughness. I even helped Bluto up with my left hand. But when I got up, something seemed off. It felt like my right shoulder was hanging off of its socket. That’s when I felt it move.

My collar bone was shattered to pieces and I could actually feel it dangling inside of me. I turned white. People asked me if I was okay. Their voices faded from me. I walked across the street like a zombie to health services with mud smeared across my pale face, and my collar bone broken to pieces.

I went to the hospital, and it was confirmed that my collar bone had broken in three places. I slept sitting up for 6 weeks. Then I did physical therapy for 6 weeks. I still have shoulder issues. But the worst part of the experience is that we inexplicably lost the game.

Despite the setback, I still crave playing football. The last few years, I’ve been a member of the LES football game (now called the Goose League.) It’s a group of camp friends, college friends and friend’s friends. We don’t play tackle, and there’s still a fair share of injuries (I tore a ligament in my finger in one of the first games.) But I love the intensity, the competition, the storytelling during huddles, the complaining, the arguing, and the good natured trash talking. And I love how we all brag to our girlfriends, wives, and facebook friends about how many touchies we scored that day. I love that we now have a traditional game because it was something I always wanted. Because growing up, I desperately wanted to be a part of the greatest football tradition in America:


THE TURKEY BOWL

All over the country, old friends reunite for a game of football over Thanksgiving. Some play tackle, some have flags, some play two hand touch. Some have five Mississippi, some have six. Some have first downs, and some have score or you bust. Some have blockers and some have blitzes. But I don’t know how other games work, I only know about THE Turkey Bowl.

It all started in Sharon, MA sometime in the mid to late 1980’s, and I had nothing to do with it. In fact, my first appearance in The Turkey Bowl was not until a few years ago. It’s unclear how it started, and it was never initially intended to be an ongoing tradition. But each year, the event happened and it ultimately became more than just a football game.















My brother Jon and his friends started the game back when they were in junior high school. They played over Thanksgiving, Christmas, and whenever they could get enough people together. And over the course of time, Thanksgiving was the holiday when everyone was around.

I was always envious of my brother and his friends. They were six years older than me, and I looked up to them. Sometimes, they let me go bowling with them or to Burger King, but no way was I ever involved in the Turkey Bowl. I had my own friends, but there was something special about this group of guys. While my friends were scattered all over the place, these guys were one giant clique. It was really a remarkable thing.

As the years passed, the Turkey Bowl made a name for itself. While my Mom made sure the Thanksgiving feast was in place, my brother and his friends made sure The Turkey Bowl was ready to go as well.

There were two captains (usually the two QBs) chosen in October, and then the teams were picked from there. Once the teams were constructed, the trash talk began. Phone calls and letters (remember, this was well before e-mail) constituted for smack talk. It was rumored that teams would have secret meetings to set up trick plays, audibles, and touchdown dances.

The game was on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. A dozen guys showed up every year around 11 am. There were other games going on, but somehow the field always seemed reserved for this Turkey Bowl. As time passed, and one of the players became a cop, the field was officially reserved. When he flipped his siren and parked his cop car in front of the field, it was clear these guys should not be messed with.

Other evolutions included uniforms and touchdown dances. At first, guys donned random football jerseys including Brian Bosworth, Bubby Brister, and Drew Bledsoe. As the game became more traditional, players were given official, custom made, reversible black and white Turkey Bowl jerseys. And the touchdown celebrations were a product of the era—in the 80’s it was the Icky Shuffle; in the 90’s it was the Terrell Davis salute, and in the 2000’s it was something inspired by Ochocinco or T.O.
















As the game progressed so did the fans. Friends and families watched and cheered from the sidelines each year. People took pictures and stood patiently awaiting a triple-reverse lateral flea-flicker to finally work.

Like I said before, I never played in the game, I was only a fan. But when I was 15, I became a part of it. I was nominated to be the camera man. It didn’t take much arm pulling for me to volunteer. Heck, I wanted to be included in The Turkey Bowl since I was a little kid.

I stood in the freezing cold, rain, and wind and pulled off my best Scorsese/Spielberg impersonation for the next few years. I hoped my work would somehow end up on NFL Films. It didn’t, but Matt, one of the co-founders, cut/edited my work to create The Turkey Bowl Plays of the Decade set to the soundtrack of Rocky IV.

And after the game, that night, the guys threw some cash my way, introduced me to alcohol and older women, and even bought me my very own Turkey Bowl jersey. The after-Turkey Bowl parties were legendary at one point. Everyone showed up. As they complained about controversial calls and how sore they were, they watched The Turkey Bowl film footage, and also voted on the MVP. As the camera man, I got in on the action, and even garnered a few votes myself.

Over the years with technology, the games were a little easier to arrange. The Turkey Bowl could be organized through the internet, and the trash talking could be done online. The fan base grew—friends and family showed up in the freezing cold because after all, it was The Turkey Bowl. There was even an article published in the famous Sharon Advocate.

It was four years ago when I got the call. They finally needed me to play in The Turkey Bowl. I had been licking my chops for years to play in the game. I would officially be part of it in its 20th year.

In my four years of play, I’ve scored a few touchdowns and let up a few as well. Even though these guys were older than me, they could still play. My favorite personal memory was a 50 yard end around for a touchdown. My lead blocker, Lee (another little brother), paved the way for me, and I rumbled untouched along the right side of the field. We slapped five mid-run, and I smiled widely as I ran into the end zone. Touchdown! It was pure bliss.

The 24th year of the Turkey Bowl is in place for this Saturday. My jersey hangs in my closet at home ready to be worn. The same dozen or so guys will be ready as well. Everyone will be a little slower, a little fatter, and a little more out of shape. But we’ll all be ready to play.

And we’ll all be ready for the after game brunch which has taken the place of the Saturday night kegger. It’s a great time for friends and families to catch up, talk about football, and reminisce about tradition.

And even though the fan base is not as passionate as say ten years ago, it must be noted that the fan base has expanded. It’s not just parents, sibling, and old friends anymore. Now, it’s children too. They watch proudly and hope to one day follow in their Daddy’s footsteps and play in The Turkey Bowl. And if these guys can last another 10 years or so, that’s exactly what will happen.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Michael J. Fox














About six months ago, my friend Jeff decided to run the NYC Marathon. He stopped drinking, joined a jogging group, and ate a pile of peanut butter sandwiches for some reason. He woke up early every morning and just felt like running. I thought he was crazy. I didn’t understand the appeal of running 26.2 miles just for the heck of it.


But then I saw the race.

Everyone in New York seemed to be outside on that sunny day. There was a unique positive energy in the air. I’d never seen New Yorkers be so nice to each other. There were no dirty looks, spitting, and a general disdain for one another. Instead, people were smiling, talking, and cheering on the runners (a hundred people even sang “Happy Birthday!” to a passenger on a packed bus.)

Jeff had his name printed on the front of his shirt. Strangers screamed “Go Jeff!” as he trotted through the boroughs of New York. At first, it was weird, but then he got used to it. When he heard his name, he pointed to his fans, and lived it up. He felt famous for a day.

I have to thank Jeff for inspiring me. His dedication and hard work really showed me something. But I also have to thank Jeff because if he hadn’t run, I never would have met Michael J. Fox.

In order to run, Jeff had to raise money for a charity. He chose the Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s Research. I happily donated money for three reasons: it would help my friend, it was a worthy cause, and I loved Back to the Future, Teen Wolf, and Family Ties.

On Marathon day, I stood amongst the members of Team Fox. Runners tumbled by, some in athletic gear, one as a fireman, a UPS worker, and Superman. But my attention was on the person in front of me: Michael J. Fox.

I patted him on the back and congratulated him on his cause. He thanked me, and then informed me it was time to walk his dog. A few minutes later, his dog Gus was by his side. A few people took pictures with him. I patted his dog and wondered if I should tell him that Back to the Future was my favorite movie of all-time, and how much I enjoyed his book “Lucky Man.” I decided against it. Instead, I scratched Gus’ ears, and let him lick my hand. Then Michael told me it was time to go. Gus had to pee.

On the surface, the conversation was not profound. It probably meant nothing to him, but to me it meant something. Here was a guy who bravely continued acting after being diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease; a guy who spends his time and energy raising money for the cause; and here was a guy whose movies and TV shows made me want to be a writer. I will never forget the day I met Michael J. Fox and his dog licked my hand.

As a tribute to him, here are my favorite Michael J. Fox roles of all time:

Marty McFly (Back to the Future)




















Marty McFly will forever be one of my favorite characters in film history. How can you not like a kid who plays the guitar, skateboards, and can travel through time?! Thanks to amazing writing, creativity, and Fox’s performance, Back to the Future is one of the best movies ever made, and my favorite movie of all time (click here for my previous post.) The sequels were decent (the third being the weakest), but the original was a masterpiece.

Marty McFly was a perfect blend of insecurity and confidence. I could relate to his self-doubt, but also wished I could be as tough as him and stand up to bullies. His skateboard chase with Biff could go down as one of the best scenes ever.

You can try to call him Calvin Klein, but he goes by Marty. He likes Tab, Pepsi-Free, purple underwear, and rock n’ roll. His band name is the Pinheads, he fears rejection, and he loves to wear life preservers. His best friend is an odd scientist, he loves to use the term “heavy”, and he never backs down from a fight. He’s a philanthropist (donated money to save the clock tower), can drive a stick shift, and his family will always come first.

Marty McFly is as cool as they come.

Alex P. Keaton (Family Ties)

Family Ties is arguably one of the best family sitcoms of all time. And the star of the show was Michael J. Fox. He stole nearly every episode with his quick witted one-liners. He was a republican wise-ass who loved Nixon, Reagan, business, and money. His favorite show was Wall Street Week. He was so charming even my Mom, a staunch republican hater, loved him.

I’ll never forget the episode where he gets dumped at the dance by Ellen. Every time “At the Moment” comes on the easy listening station, I get a tear in my eye, and think of Alex P. Keaton.

Here’s the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-TFP14Z-P0&feature=related

And extra props to Alex for having a neighbor named Skippy, and dating Courtney Cox’s Lauren pre-Friends.

Scott Howard (Teen Wolf)

“I want a keg of beer.” Scott Howard wasn’t so intimidating, but when he wolfed out, he was unstoppable. The plot is laugh out loud ridiculous—a high school kid turns into a wolf, gets wicked popular, and becomes a basketball star—but because of Fox it works.

I love this movie! MJ Fox is charming as usual as the everyday high school kid. He has a crush on the school hottie, Pamela Wells, but you know his heart is with his next door neighbor Boof. He surrounds himself with good people: Styles, one of the best 80’s sidekicks of all time, and Chubbs, his fat basketball teammate.

Teen Wolf introduced me to the world of van surfing, kegs of beer, and wolf basketball. It will always be one of my favorite movies. The scene where Fox wolfs out and gets with Pamela Wells could go down as one of the best hook-ups in cinematic history.

Only Michael J. Fox could take such a goofy storyline and make it one of the best movies of the 80’s.

Dr. Benjamin Stone (Doc Hollywood)

Michael J. Fox plays Dr. Ben Stone, a smooth talking plastic surgeon on his way to Beverly Hills. After a car accident, he gets stuck in Grady, the squash capital of America. He falls in love with the beautiful Julie Warner, adopts a pig, and learns how charming small towns can be.

Michael J. Fox is as likable as ever as the wise-ass city kid. I love when he butts heads with old Dr. Hogue, bonds with his patients (especially when he passionately reads mail to an illiterate couple), and attempts to woo Julie Warner.

And although this post is about Michael J. Fox, the greatest moment in the film is when Julie Warner emerges from the lake buck naked, walks by Ben Stone, and sexily announces: “You can blink now.”

Lewis Rothschild (The American President)

In one of the more underrated movies of the last two decades, Michael J. Fox plays Lewis, the fast talking speech writer for the president. Lewis is witty, funny, and even challenges the president on various occasions. My favorite moment is during the president’s final impromptu speech, the camera pans over to Lewis who pumps his fist in approval. Then Michael Douglas says: “My name is Andrew Shepherd and I AM the president.” Love that scene!


Brantley Foster/Carlton Whitfield (The Secret of My Succe$s)

The Secret of My Succe$s was never a huge success, but I liked it. Michael J. plays Brantley the hard working mail boy who desperately wants to be a successful business man. So in classic 80’s/90’s fashion (see Working Girl), he conjures up a fake identity. As Carlton Whitfield, Fox gets to be calm, cool, and confident. In his alter ego, he climbs his way up the company ladder, sleeps with his Uncle’s cougar wife, and meets his dream girl. This is a classic early 90’s movie—it’s all over the place, a little absurd, but since Fox is so damn cool, I watch it whenever it’s on TV.


Scott Larson (Midnight Madness)

This was MJ Fox’s debut film. Although I can’t remember the whole movie, I do remember watching it with my brothers a bunch of times. It’s definitely one of those obscure movies with a cult following.

It’s about a group of college kids on an epic scavenger hunt (this definitely needs to be re-made.) Michael J. Fox plays somebody’s younger brother; he’s probably 18, but he looks like he’s 12. When he craftily uses his retainer to win one of the challenges, I knew he was headed towards a life of stardom. And what do you know…I was right!

Thanks for everything Michael. Keep up the good work!

Friday, November 5, 2010

BACK TO THE FUTURE

“Here’s a red letter date in the history of science, November 5th 1955…That was the day I invented time travel. I remember it vividly. I was standing on the edge of my toilet hanging a clock, the porcelain was wet, I slipped, hit my head on the edge of the sink, and when I came to I had a revelation, a vision, a picture in my head, a picture of this! This is what makes time travel possible – the Flux Capacitor!”


I traveled through time last week and saw Back to the Future on the big screen. To celebrate its 25th anniversary, Back to the Future has been popping up in theatres across the country.

Back to the Future has always been more than just a movie to me. I’ve seen in 88 times and confidently declare it my favorite movie of all time. It combines my favorite things: time travel, comedy, and true love.

I recalled the first time I saw it on the big screen with one of my best friends, Randy. After that we became movie nerds. We watched movies every week, and vowed to one day move to LA and make our own. We fulfilled our promise in the year 2000. In 2002, we saw Back to the Future in the theatre, and heard one of the writers, Bob Gale, speak. It was inspiring and unforgettable. And although I am now in New York, and Randy is still in LA, we often text random Back to the Future quotes to one another, and hope to one day have our names in the credits on the silver screen.

I often wonder if a movie like Back to the Future could ever come out today, and I sincerely doubt it. What makes it so unique is that it doesn’t fit into a single genre. It’s a coming-of-age, teen, sci-fi, action, period piece, romantic family comedy. It’s not like movie studios are lining up to make that kind of movie.

















But it was made. And it was amazing. Like Doc Brown always said: “If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish anything.” In terms of box office success, Back to the Future accomplished more than anything. It grossed nearly 200 million dollars, and that was in 1985 money. But for me, I loved it because it made me laugh, cry, cheer, and dream at the same time. It was the ultimate underdog story, the nerd standing up to the bully. It was the first time I fell in love with the movies. So when I heard that I could see it again in the theatre, I jumped at the opportunity.

I got to the theatre on 11th and 3rd avenue, and a line ran down three New York City blocks. Geeks like me talked about jigowatts, flux capacitors, deloreans, Libyan vans, Einstein, life preservers, the clock tower, lightning storms, Old Man Peabody, Jackie Gleason, Mayor Goldie Wilson, Marvin Berry, and the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance. They herded us into the theatre, and the lights went down. Great Scott! Marty McFly appeared before us.















I mouthed the lines like a lyric to a song. I knew every word of dialogue. “Why don’t you make like a tree, and get out of here!” Most would think this was weird, but I realized the people around me were doing the same thing. I laughed more than usual. Doc Brown’s eye popping facial expressions got me every time. The energy was infectious. Alan Silvestri’s beautiful score encompassed the entire theatre. The audience cheered and clapped as Marty maneuvered on his skateboard, George knocked out Biff, and Doc helped Marty get back to the future. And the big screen enhanced the action, the comedy, and excitement.

When the credits rolled, I sang along to Huey Lewis and the News. I grabbed my free poster which I hoped to frame and hang on one of my walls. Just like that, I was a kid again. That’s the thing about Back to the Future. No matter how many times I watch it, it makes me feel young again.

As I walked home from the movie, a brown penny caught my eye. I picked it up for good luck. When I turned it over, my eyes widened. The year: 1955. Maybe it was a message or a sign. Maybe I had traveled through time. Maybe I was safe and sound back in good old 1955. I scooped it up and placed it in my pocket. Back to the Future will always be a part of me. I walked down the road, and thought to myself: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Happy Halloween!

Tears streamed down their faces. CatWoman and LadyGaga sobbed on the sidewalk screaming obscenities back and forth at each other. I stood there shocked, confused, sad, and proud at the same time.

What happened?


It all started the month before. I met LadyGaga on the 4 train coming back from the Yankees game. She and her boyfriend were crammed next to me in the packed car. He was a Red Sox fan and she was a Yankees fan. I chatted with them intrigued about the idea of an interfaith sports relationship. They turned out to be good people although I still couldn’t date a Yankees fan.

The girl was about to work in same field as me so we exchanged emails. The guy didn’t seem to mind. It was about as innocent as things could get.

LadyGaga and I exchanged a few emails about work for the next month. I thought nothing of it. I had a girlfriend anyway and was perfectly happy.  I was giving her advice. It was just something nice to do.

Then came Halloween of 2009. Every year it’s brought up how great Halloween is because girls can wear nothing and take pride in their inner slut. But what about guys? I have to admit that I’ve never fully grasped Halloween in this way. I’m too lazy to arrange a costume or spend excessive amounts of money to look good. I usually dressed as simple as possible: A Red Sox fan (t-shirt, hat), a Coach (whistle, hate, warm-ups) or a surfer dude (Hawaiian shirt, visor, sunglasses.)

But this year was different. This year I actually had a plan. I spent two weeks growing out a beard, and made sure to skip my last haircut appointment. I cropped my facial hair, spiked up my hair, and threw on a wife-beater. And then I made one quick stop at the Halloween store for some claws. In a matter of minutes, I morphed into Wolverine from X-men.

I’m a decent looking guy, but by no means am I head-turner. But tonight was different. I wasn’t the nice guy blogger. Tonight, I was Wolverine.















I strutted to my girlfriend’s bar and showed off my costume. A few people snapped pictures of me in the street. I got head nods, high fives (high claws) and smiles everywhere I walked. I entered the bar and my girlfriend’s eyes lit up. She looked amazing too, in a cop uniform. I felt like I was no longer living my ordinary life. Tonight, I was a stud.

I ventured off to my party. The subway was the same thing. Strangers snapped pictures of me and gave me approving grins. I felt like a celebrity. It’s amazing how some facial hair, gel, and a couple of cheap plastic claws can change how people perceive you.

I was at the party when I received a random call from LadyGaga.

She and her friends were in Manhattan and looking for a party to crash. My friend’s party was mellow and fun, and I suggested they stop by. I figured my buddy could get with one of LadyGaga's friends. It would be perfect.

I consumed candy corn and alcohol until they arrived. My friend gave me props for my costume as well as for possibly hooking him up. Every guy deserves a round of applause if he can get four girls to come to a party.

My friend was dressed as a Swing State. It was a sorry costume that definitely was not going to get him laid. But maybe my cool costume Karma would rub off on him.

LadyGaga entered with CatWoman and 2 other friends. They all looked good. I felt I had done well.  They loved my costume and all wanted to play with my claws.

I gave them the agenda. We’d hang at this party and then end up my girlfriend’s bar later (I wanted to make it clear that I had a girlfriend and was not “available.”) They seemed on board. I asked LadyGaga why her boyfriend didn’t come.

LadyGaga: “I don’t have a boyfriend. The guy on the train was just a friend.” My head cocked to the side in confusion. Her flirtations didn’t seem so innocent anymore.

Several candy corn and beverages later, we all moved to the neighborhood bar. It was me, my friend, and the four girls. The flirting level had increased all around. I had a girlfriend and was on my best behavior, but we had an open flirting policy, and I loved to flirt. I chatted up CatWoman for a good hour (I’m a sucker for woman dressed as cats.)

As things progressed, I later danced with CatWoman at the bar. It was probably more seductive then it should’ve been, but I had so many candy corn, I barely knew what was going on. I wasn’t myself anymore anyway. I was Wolverine.












That’s when the fireworks erupted. My friend, who was present and coherent for all of the action, later gave me the play by play. He had been flirting with one of the friends when LadyGaga lost it. She was hysterically crying. She pointed towards me and CatWoman, and cursed a string of obscenities.

LadyGaga: “I told her. He was mine. That fucking bitch!”

“He” was me. My friend Swing State looked as befuddled as I would’ve been. She called dibs on me? Really? Most women hate being reduced to a piece of meat, but I found it quite endearing.

My dancing session with CatWoman ended once she saw LadyGaga in tears and realized she was being called a bitch. She was the next to lose it. In a whirlwind, CatWoman and LadyGaga were crying and fighting: calling each other names, hating on each other.

All because of me: Wolverine.
















I just stood their powerless. What would Wolverine do, I thought. I couldn’t think of anything so I sharpened my fake claws and played with my beard.

The hurricane moved to the sidewalk in front of the bar. The girls were sobbing. My friend tried to put out the fire for two reasons. One, because he’s a nice guy, and two, because he really liked one of the friends and knew he couldn’t get with her with this chaos going on. Unfortunately for him, Wolverine was a hard man to get over.

The girls had to leave. I tried to apologize but didn’t know what to say. I had never been the object of affection by two girls at the same time. I tried to explain that it wasn’t even me they wanted. It was Wolverine. And I could only be him once a year.

My friend urged me to leave. I walked down the street shaking my head. I had made two girls cry. I felt awful, but kind of proud at the same time. I wasn't used to one girl liking me let alone two.

I reached my girlfriend’s bar and told her the story. She looked at me up and down and was not surprised about my tale. Wolverine was a heart breaker.

As Halloween approaches this year, this story repeats in my head. I have a two-week old beard, I have my hair gel, and my claws sit at the bottom of my closet. Do I dare break out Wolverine once again?

But that’s best part of Halloween. We can escape our mundane lives for one night, and be someone different. We can embrace our inner slut, inner stud, inner weirdo, inner kid or inner demon just for a few hours. It seems odd, but sometimes we just need to do it.

That reminds me. I should go. It’s just too hard to type with these claws.

Happy Halloween!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Happy 90210 Day!!!

















Today is September 2nd, 2010 otherwise known as 90210 Day. I would be remiss if I didn’t recognize this day in my blog.

Growing up there were certain shows that were life altering. Beverly Hills 90210 was one of them. The show first arrived in 1990, and I was 12 years-old. It was the first time since Saved by the Bell that I developed real life crushes on TV stars. Before I only had Kelly Kapowski to dream about, but now there was Kelly Taylor (the hot blonde) and Brenda Walsh (the bitchy brunette.) My female classmates brought in lunch boxes and calendars—the boys didn’t have them, but we sure liked looking at them.

















90210 pulled me right in. It was kind of like an R rated version of Saved by the Bell. It took place in high school, had special episodes, and there was a lot of skin and sex. It was where I learned about the birds and the bees, and how to make good decisions. Even today, when I am in a conflict, I often think WWBWD—what would Brandon Walsh do. “Gimme the keys Dylan, you’ve been drinking!”

Beverly Hills 90210 was not a great show, but something was addicting about it. I loved that Steve Sanders and Dylan McKay looked like they were thirty. I loved that Andrea Zuckerman was annoying but still was accepted by the crew. I loved that these super rich kids hung out at the Peach Pit with Nat (played by Joe E. Tata—great name!). I loved the on and off again romance between David and Donna. And even a random episode about Mr. and Mrs. Walsh entertained me.
















As the show developed so did I. I was getting older and so were the characters. That was when Valerie Malone was introduced. I never thought I could have a crush on two TV characters played by the same actress. Tiffani-Amber Thieesen pulled me in as Kelly Kapowski, and then developed into one of the baddest, hottest characters of all time as Valerie Malone. I still remember watching the first episode when she blazed up a joint while lying in bed. Wow--what a temptress!

When I got to college, people actually threw 90210 parties. Today, you might get together with friends for True Blood or Lost, but the 1st show to start that trend was 9-0. As I started college, the 90210 gang was just finishing it. I learned invaluable lessons like: how to throw a rave party at the Peach Pit (After Dark), people named Ray Pruit are crazy, if you drive under the influence of heroin you might crash and end up into a coma, and KEG parties are fun.

Beverly Hills 90210 jumped the shark a number of times, but it remained on air for 10 excellent years. The last few seasons were a mess, but survived in an unintentional comedy kind of way. (I sort of had a crush on Claire so that kept me going for a few seasons.)

Two years after the show ended, I worked at a summer camp at the Beverly Hills High School 90210. I was so excited. Maybe I would run into Kelly or Brenda. Maybe Brandon would give me advice. Or Dylan would get me into some trouble. But it was not like TV. It was real life.  There was no drama; just a basic summer camp that had the same zip code.

Although Beverly Hills 90210 has been off the air for 10 years, my ears perk when it comes up in conversation. If I’m flipping through the TV, and I see Jennie Garth starring in a Lifetime movie, I immediately think of Kelly Taylor. Or when I drive through the Welcome to Beverly Hills sign, I think of the gang.
















Today, I still occasionally hum the theme song, and randomly chant “Donna Martin graduates!” Some shows will just always be a part of you!

Happy 90210 Day!!!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

The Boy Collector


BOY COLLECTOR

boy col-lec-tor [boy kuh-lek-ter]
n.

1. One that collects boys

2. A woman who surrounds herself with men without putting out to gain power and confidence

Synonym: Tease

WARNING: Men must be weary of the boy collector.


Some may say the boy collector does not exist. They are like unicorns, leprechauns, and Eskimos. But they do exist. And they are dangerous.

I have been a victim of the boy collector on two occasions.

The first time was at NYU. I met a beautiful Asian girl named Kim. She was a knockout, and I kept wondering why she was talking to me. I hit on her at a networking party and I was shocked when she started asking me questions. I was enamored by her beauty. She was 5’ 9”, had a gorgeous face, perfect body, and a smile that lit up the room.

She even laughed at my jokes. I wished I were on camera so I could’ve documented the whole conversation. She entered her number into my cell phone. I was giddy. I called her back right away so she had my number too. It was also a failsafe to make sure she hadn’t given me a fake. Her phone rang. It was official. We had each other’s numbers.

It was hard, but I waited the customary three days to call her. The number drew me to her everyday, but I insisted on waiting. I didn’t want to blow this.

On the third day, I called and she answered. She actually remembered me, and I was very excited. She invited me to a small house party that she was hosting, and really hoped I could make it. I may have jumped up and down, but I don’t remember exactly how it played out.

I vividly recall picking up a case of Heineken; her favorite beer. I figured with a case of beer, I’d be a shoe-in. I showed up about 45 minutes after the party started. I didn’t want to seem too overzealous. I played it cool the best I could.

I arrived to the door, buzzed, and she let me in. I exhaled and prepared for an amazing night. I pictured us flirting, drinking, making bad decisions. I’d never hooked up with a girl this hot before, and imagined if she kissed the same way as mere mortal women did.

I entered the apartment and was met by Kim. She looked incredible. A tight dress clung to her fit body. I couldn’t believe this girl actually wanted to hook up with me.

I looked around and noticed about a dozen people chilling in her apartment. At first I thought it was just a regular party. Then as I looked closer, I did a double take, and realized it was all dudes. They waited on her hand and foot and were at her beck and call. I placed my case of beer next to a dozen others. I was just another nice guy that completed the baker’s dozen.

Our next stop was a bar. Thirteen guys surrounded this ultra hot chick. I took some time to get to know the others guys. One she met a bar, another at the gym, and another on the subway. She made conversation, batted her eyes, and pulled us all in.

We all hoped tonight would be the night. We would party with her, hang with her, and see what her bedroom looked like. But instead, we were just part of the collection.




















After an hour, I gave up. A few other guys left with me. It was like an episode of The Bachelorette. Maybe she was weeding us out. She wanted to see who would commit the longest. I lost in the early rounds. I don’t know want happened to the other guys, but I imagine they went home empty handed as well.

As I walked home, I realized I was a victim of the boy collector.

I swore to myself that this would never happen again, but history has a way of repeating itself.

I met another type of boy collector just months later. She was a lot more direct with her hobby, but looking back, I’m not shocked I fell victim to her scheme as well.

I met this girl dating online. She was a fairly attractive brunette. She wasn’t hot, but was cute, and her confidence exuded a sort of sexiness.

It took a while for her to warm up. Maybe it was my charm or the whiskey, but she started to laugh at my jokes. She crossed her legs toward me, and her hands casually touched mine. Any dating guru would tell you these were green lights.

Her body language was an A+, but her words contradicted all of her actions. She had hit the honesty stage and was telling me about her past relationships. She took it one step further and told me about all the guys she was currently dating. She had a date the night before, one tomorrow night, and another one that weekend, all with different guys.

She wasn’t bragging or trying to make me jealous, but was more just a matter of fact. She liked having countless guys take her out and even admitted that she had no real interest in dating or hooking up with them. It was as if she kept us on the shelf and only took us out when she felt like it. She basically told me up front that she was a boy collector, but my brain didn’t register because she kept touching my leg with her fingernails.

When the overpriced bill came, I slapped down my credit card without hesitation. Sure, it was a little pricey, but I didn’t care. Things were going in the right direction.  

We left the bar and headed back to her place. When we arrived, her roommates were home. That’s when my date looked at me and pleaded for a deal. “Don’t tell them we met online. Pretend we work together, and you’re in real estate. OK?”

At this point, what was I gonna say? I nodded my head in agreement.

We entered her living room, and I met two male roommates who were ecstatic to see her (poor guys--they were already part of her collection.) They grilled me about real estate, and I made up answers on the spot. Luckily, everyone was satisfied. 

Somebody made me a drink, and I consumed it on a Lazy-boy. My date was across the room pretending I was a work acquaintance, and barely acknowledging my existence. I made conversation with everyone the best I could. (Part of me hoped that if I were social, my date would be turned on. Girls like the idea of men who get along with their friends.)

Unfortunately, my friendliness did nothing except get me a free vodka and soda. I sat through an agonizing episode of reality TV. I hoped my date would show me her bed or at least her room, but it never happened.

When the show ended, it was time to go. My date didn’t even show me to the door. I knew where it was. Plus, she had to get ready for her date the following night. She was going to the Mets game with another dude. I wondered if he was going to get any...probably not.

He would just be the next victim of the boy collector. 

Sunday, August 1, 2010

You might be a Nice Guy if…


YOU HOLD PURSES

The female can always smell out the nice guy, and he always obliges to hold her purse. At first, it’s cute. The man will make a joke out of it: “How does this look on me? “It matches my shirt.” “Purses aren’t so bad.” But after holding it for the fifth time, even the nice guy gets annoyed. But he still holds it anyways because he’s a nice guy.



YOU HELP SUPER-DRUNK WOMEN

When girls get too drunk, the nice guy comes in to save the day. While many men will want to take advantage of her, the nice guy will come to protect her. He will get her water, and find her a place to sit. Super-drunk women always lose their phone, camera and best friend; the nice guy will do his best to find all three. Once they are retrieved, the nice guy is brushed aside and forgotten. But his work is done. He has helped yet another super-drunk girl get home safely.

YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH STRIPPERS





















(Nice guys attend strip clubs because they are human males. Just because they’re nice, doesn’t mean they don’t want to see attractive girls naked.)

Nice guys want to save everyone and that includes strippers. During the lap dance, the nice guy usually strikes up a riveting conversation with her. It seems that he and Bambi have a lot in common, and she’s really quite beautiful inside and out. By mid-song, the nice guy believes he and Bambi have something special. He feels bad that Bambi strips, and thinks that she should finish her college education and get her dream job as a nurse.

Three lap dances later, the nice guy gives Bambi a large tip and then heads back to his friends. He declares his love for Bambi, and by the end of the night, he will get her number. Bambi then ventures to the champagne room with another guy. The nice guy hangs his head in shame. He feels betrayed and wonders how Bambi could have done this to him.

SUPER HOT GIRLS DON’T HIT ON YOU

Super Hot Girls don’t hit on the nice guy. Sure, the nice guy may attract girls occasionally, but never Super Hot Girls. If a Super Hot Girl hits on a nice guy, it is for one of the following reasons.

1)    She is selling him something. This happens with bartenders and promoters; common jobs for Super Hot Girls. They will flirt with the nice guy hoping he spends a lot of money or signs up for something stupid.

2)     She is trying to steal from him. The Super Hot Girl does not just hit on a nice guy. It’s possible she’s setting him up for something bad.

3)    She’s really a man.

4)    She’s underage. There’s always an angle if a Super Hot Girl hits on a nice guy. In this case, the girl looks the part, but she’s really a lot younger then she should be. Since she’s out of her element, the nice guy is one of the people she’s not intimidated by. So she may approach him. The nice guy is excited until she starts referring to myspace and uses expressions like ‘like’, ‘lol’, and ‘omg.’ The nice guy starts to panic. He tries the “Who has a funnier ID picture?” line so he can inspect her age more closely, and asks what college she graduated from again. The nice guy realizes something is off, but is still in denial. The nice guy doesn’t give up until his friends come into the picture. Since they don’t have a shot of getting laid by the Super Hot Girl, they’re not looking at her through I-may-get-laid-by-a-Super-Hot-Girl glasses. Instead, they can easily tell she’s underage and very much off limits. It’s another tough break for the nice guy.  

5)     She’s a prostitute. Many prostitutes, especially in Brazil and Vegas, don’t fit the stereotypical prostitute look. They are dressed in normal evening-wear and blend in with the night crowd which confuses the nice guy. The Super Hot Girl spots him a mile away. She makes eye contact with him and smiles, and he is immediately giddy. He thinks that this Super Hot Girl is really into him. Maybe it’s his new cologne or new shirt; either way, he’s feeling it. When she proposes they go back to his room after only five minutes, the nice guy starts growing skeptical. He asks if she’s really a student? She finally tells him the truth. He feels betrayed and disappointed, and starts understanding the rule: Super Hot Girls don’t just hit on nice guys. 

PEOPLE ASK YOU FOR DIRECTIONS AND MONEY

People will always seek out the nice guy for directions. The nice guy possesses a non-threatening and approachable look. They could ask anyone for directions (the policeman next you or the guy with the map), but somehow the nice guy is always the first choice. 

When nice guys walk down the street, the homeless, Greenpeace, and petitioners always sniff him out. The nice guy cannot come up with an excuse fast enough, and therefore he must speak to these people. He usually ends up giving money, signing a petition, or sponsoring a child in Africa.

YOU GIVE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE TO THE GIRL THAT YOU LIKE

The nice guy always becomes friends with an attractive girl that he likes. He’s too nervous to pursue her because he doesn’t want to ruin the friendship. They become great friends; i.e. they basically become a couple without the hooking up. They go to dinners, the movies, and flirt a lot. But most of the time, the nice guy gives the girl relationship advice. He knows her current boyfriend is a dud, but he must swallow his pride and not say anything. The nice guy desperately wants to be with this girl, but he’s trapped in the friendship zone.

The nice guy eventually reveals his true love for the girl. The girl lets him down softly and then he is depressed. He can’t believe he wasted all that time. But many times, the nice guy meets someone else, and then goes back to being great friends with the girl. And it actually works this time because they’re both in relationships.

YOU BUY GIRLS DRINKS

When the nice guy converses with a pretty girl, he feels that he owes her at least one drink. The nice guy knows she’s going to ditch him as soon as the drink hits her hand, but he buys it anyway. Part of him believes that one of these days, he will meet a nice girl who will actually have the drink and keep talking to him.  

YOU ARE CHIVALROUS

A nice guy always knows when to hold a door open, help carry groceries for the elderly, or just say: “bless you.” He has a natural 6th sense when it comes to helping people. The nice guy could be jogging through the city, and out of the corner of his eye, spot someone in need. Like an anonymous superhero, he saves the day, asks for no reward, and then just continues jogging on his merry way.  

YOU MAKE SURE EVERYONE ELSE IS HAPPY

The nice guy likes to make sure everyone else is happy. This is very noticeable on dates as the nice guy may ask repeatedly: “Are you having a good time?” This is also noticeable at parties as the nice guy is willing to sacrifice time and energy to make sure his friends are having a good time.

The nice guy has trouble making decisions because he doesn’t want to disappoint anyone. He is often heard uttering the phrase: “It doesn’t matter to me…whatever makes you happy.”

YOU TAKE PICTURES FOR OTHER PEOPLE

The nice guy will always be there when a group of girls need their picture taken. He waits patiently as the girls change spots to prepare for the camera. He’s even willing to wait as the girls examine the photo and decide whether another one needs to be taken. The nice guy secretly hopes that this gesture will allow him to talk to the girls further. But once the picture is taken, he is no longer needed.

YOU GET FLAKED ON

The nice guy is punctual and reliable. When he makes plans with someone, he follows through. He assumes that everyone else is the same way, but sadly, they are not. As a result, the nice guy gets stood up or flaked on more than anyone else. 

BOUNCERS HATE YOU

Bouncers hate nice guys because it gives them someone to pick on and make them feel cool. The nice guy adds nothing to the bouncer’s life: he will not bribe him because he doesn’t know how; he will not bring super-hot girls because he can’t (see above); and he will not have any connections to cool people because he’s just an ordinary guy. Instead, the nice guy tries to treat the bouncer like a real person which is a big mistake. He will ask how the night is going or if he saw the big game. The bouncer doesn’t like being treated as an equal. As a result, the bouncer takes advantage of the nice guy. He will make him wait, and make fun of his clothes and haircut because what is the nice guy going to do about it. Nothing. The nice guy will only complain to his friends, and in the end the he will just sit there and take it. 

YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH BARTENDERS
















The nice guy has an infatuation with beautiful smiles, heavy cleavage, and girls that serve drinks. The nice guy will fall in love with at least one bartender in his lifetime. He will attend the bar regularly, and tip the bartender excessive amounts of cash hoping one day they will fall in love. The bartender confuses the nice guy because she flirts with him (part of her job—once again see above.) The nice guy truly thinks he has a shot with her until he realizes she has a boyfriend. Afterwards, he will claim that he didn’t like her anyways, and will stop going to that bar.

YOU PRETEND NOT TO HIT ON GIRLS

When a nice guy hits on a girl, he masks his disappointment when she drops the boyfriend bomb. Instead, he expresses interest in her relationship to prove that he was not just hitting on her. He will inexplicably ask what the boyfriend does for a living, how they met, and how great it would be to meet him. If the boyfriend is there and comes by, the nice guy will say hello, and the boyfriend will scoop up the girlfriend quickly to show his domain.  The nice guy will even go so far as to talk the man as well. He will ask idiotic questions just to prove once again that he’s a nice guy and was definitely not hitting on somebody else’s girl.

YOU LAMENT ABOUT BEING A NICE GUY

At least one point in his life, the nice guy will wish he wasn’t so nice. It could be after losing a girl to the “bad” guy or after someone takes advantage of him. He will attempt to be a jerk for a few moments, but will give up quickly when he realizes his true calling: he’s a nice guy.