Sunday, August 1, 2010

You might be a Nice Guy if…


The female can always smell out the nice guy, and he always obliges to hold her purse. At first, it’s cute. The man will make a joke out of it: “How does this look on me? “It matches my shirt.” “Purses aren’t so bad.” But after holding it for the fifth time, even the nice guy gets annoyed. But he still holds it anyways because he’s a nice guy.


When girls get too drunk, the nice guy comes in to save the day. While many men will want to take advantage of her, the nice guy will come to protect her. He will get her water, and find her a place to sit. Super-drunk women always lose their phone, camera and best friend; the nice guy will do his best to find all three. Once they are retrieved, the nice guy is brushed aside and forgotten. But his work is done. He has helped yet another super-drunk girl get home safely.


(Nice guys attend strip clubs because they are human males. Just because they’re nice, doesn’t mean they don’t want to see attractive girls naked.)

Nice guys want to save everyone and that includes strippers. During the lap dance, the nice guy usually strikes up a riveting conversation with her. It seems that he and Bambi have a lot in common, and she’s really quite beautiful inside and out. By mid-song, the nice guy believes he and Bambi have something special. He feels bad that Bambi strips, and thinks that she should finish her college education and get her dream job as a nurse.

Three lap dances later, the nice guy gives Bambi a large tip and then heads back to his friends. He declares his love for Bambi, and by the end of the night, he will get her number. Bambi then ventures to the champagne room with another guy. The nice guy hangs his head in shame. He feels betrayed and wonders how Bambi could have done this to him.


Super Hot Girls don’t hit on the nice guy. Sure, the nice guy may attract girls occasionally, but never Super Hot Girls. If a Super Hot Girl hits on a nice guy, it is for one of the following reasons.

1)    She is selling him something. This happens with bartenders and promoters; common jobs for Super Hot Girls. They will flirt with the nice guy hoping he spends a lot of money or signs up for something stupid.

2)     She is trying to steal from him. The Super Hot Girl does not just hit on a nice guy. It’s possible she’s setting him up for something bad.

3)    She’s really a man.

4)    She’s underage. There’s always an angle if a Super Hot Girl hits on a nice guy. In this case, the girl looks the part, but she’s really a lot younger then she should be. Since she’s out of her element, the nice guy is one of the people she’s not intimidated by. So she may approach him. The nice guy is excited until she starts referring to myspace and uses expressions like ‘like’, ‘lol’, and ‘omg.’ The nice guy starts to panic. He tries the “Who has a funnier ID picture?” line so he can inspect her age more closely, and asks what college she graduated from again. The nice guy realizes something is off, but is still in denial. The nice guy doesn’t give up until his friends come into the picture. Since they don’t have a shot of getting laid by the Super Hot Girl, they’re not looking at her through I-may-get-laid-by-a-Super-Hot-Girl glasses. Instead, they can easily tell she’s underage and very much off limits. It’s another tough break for the nice guy.  

5)     She’s a prostitute. Many prostitutes, especially in Brazil and Vegas, don’t fit the stereotypical prostitute look. They are dressed in normal evening-wear and blend in with the night crowd which confuses the nice guy. The Super Hot Girl spots him a mile away. She makes eye contact with him and smiles, and he is immediately giddy. He thinks that this Super Hot Girl is really into him. Maybe it’s his new cologne or new shirt; either way, he’s feeling it. When she proposes they go back to his room after only five minutes, the nice guy starts growing skeptical. He asks if she’s really a student? She finally tells him the truth. He feels betrayed and disappointed, and starts understanding the rule: Super Hot Girls don’t just hit on nice guys. 


People will always seek out the nice guy for directions. The nice guy possesses a non-threatening and approachable look. They could ask anyone for directions (the policeman next you or the guy with the map), but somehow the nice guy is always the first choice. 

When nice guys walk down the street, the homeless, Greenpeace, and petitioners always sniff him out. The nice guy cannot come up with an excuse fast enough, and therefore he must speak to these people. He usually ends up giving money, signing a petition, or sponsoring a child in Africa.


The nice guy always becomes friends with an attractive girl that he likes. He’s too nervous to pursue her because he doesn’t want to ruin the friendship. They become great friends; i.e. they basically become a couple without the hooking up. They go to dinners, the movies, and flirt a lot. But most of the time, the nice guy gives the girl relationship advice. He knows her current boyfriend is a dud, but he must swallow his pride and not say anything. The nice guy desperately wants to be with this girl, but he’s trapped in the friendship zone.

The nice guy eventually reveals his true love for the girl. The girl lets him down softly and then he is depressed. He can’t believe he wasted all that time. But many times, the nice guy meets someone else, and then goes back to being great friends with the girl. And it actually works this time because they’re both in relationships.


When the nice guy converses with a pretty girl, he feels that he owes her at least one drink. The nice guy knows she’s going to ditch him as soon as the drink hits her hand, but he buys it anyway. Part of him believes that one of these days, he will meet a nice girl who will actually have the drink and keep talking to him.  


A nice guy always knows when to hold a door open, help carry groceries for the elderly, or just say: “bless you.” He has a natural 6th sense when it comes to helping people. The nice guy could be jogging through the city, and out of the corner of his eye, spot someone in need. Like an anonymous superhero, he saves the day, asks for no reward, and then just continues jogging on his merry way.  


The nice guy likes to make sure everyone else is happy. This is very noticeable on dates as the nice guy may ask repeatedly: “Are you having a good time?” This is also noticeable at parties as the nice guy is willing to sacrifice time and energy to make sure his friends are having a good time.

The nice guy has trouble making decisions because he doesn’t want to disappoint anyone. He is often heard uttering the phrase: “It doesn’t matter to me…whatever makes you happy.”


The nice guy will always be there when a group of girls need their picture taken. He waits patiently as the girls change spots to prepare for the camera. He’s even willing to wait as the girls examine the photo and decide whether another one needs to be taken. The nice guy secretly hopes that this gesture will allow him to talk to the girls further. But once the picture is taken, he is no longer needed.


The nice guy is punctual and reliable. When he makes plans with someone, he follows through. He assumes that everyone else is the same way, but sadly, they are not. As a result, the nice guy gets stood up or flaked on more than anyone else. 


Bouncers hate nice guys because it gives them someone to pick on and make them feel cool. The nice guy adds nothing to the bouncer’s life: he will not bribe him because he doesn’t know how; he will not bring super-hot girls because he can’t (see above); and he will not have any connections to cool people because he’s just an ordinary guy. Instead, the nice guy tries to treat the bouncer like a real person which is a big mistake. He will ask how the night is going or if he saw the big game. The bouncer doesn’t like being treated as an equal. As a result, the bouncer takes advantage of the nice guy. He will make him wait, and make fun of his clothes and haircut because what is the nice guy going to do about it. Nothing. The nice guy will only complain to his friends, and in the end the he will just sit there and take it. 


The nice guy has an infatuation with beautiful smiles, heavy cleavage, and girls that serve drinks. The nice guy will fall in love with at least one bartender in his lifetime. He will attend the bar regularly, and tip the bartender excessive amounts of cash hoping one day they will fall in love. The bartender confuses the nice guy because she flirts with him (part of her job—once again see above.) The nice guy truly thinks he has a shot with her until he realizes she has a boyfriend. Afterwards, he will claim that he didn’t like her anyways, and will stop going to that bar.


When a nice guy hits on a girl, he masks his disappointment when she drops the boyfriend bomb. Instead, he expresses interest in her relationship to prove that he was not just hitting on her. He will inexplicably ask what the boyfriend does for a living, how they met, and how great it would be to meet him. If the boyfriend is there and comes by, the nice guy will say hello, and the boyfriend will scoop up the girlfriend quickly to show his domain.  The nice guy will even go so far as to talk the man as well. He will ask idiotic questions just to prove once again that he’s a nice guy and was definitely not hitting on somebody else’s girl.


At least one point in his life, the nice guy will wish he wasn’t so nice. It could be after losing a girl to the “bad” guy or after someone takes advantage of him. He will attempt to be a jerk for a few moments, but will give up quickly when he realizes his true calling: he’s a nice guy. 


fizzee rascal said...

I'm clearly not a nice guy

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