Thursday, August 26, 2010

The Boy Collector


BOY COLLECTOR

boy col-lec-tor [boy kuh-lek-ter]
n.

1. One that collects boys

2. A woman who surrounds herself with men without putting out to gain power and confidence

Synonym: Tease

WARNING: Men must be weary of the boy collector.


Some may say the boy collector does not exist. They are like unicorns, leprechauns, and Eskimos. But they do exist. And they are dangerous.

I have been a victim of the boy collector on two occasions.

The first time was at NYU. I met a beautiful Asian girl named Kim. She was a knockout, and I kept wondering why she was talking to me. I hit on her at a networking party and I was shocked when she started asking me questions. I was enamored by her beauty. She was 5’ 9”, had a gorgeous face, perfect body, and a smile that lit up the room.

She even laughed at my jokes. I wished I were on camera so I could’ve documented the whole conversation. She entered her number into my cell phone. I was giddy. I called her back right away so she had my number too. It was also a failsafe to make sure she hadn’t given me a fake. Her phone rang. It was official. We had each other’s numbers.

It was hard, but I waited the customary three days to call her. The number drew me to her everyday, but I insisted on waiting. I didn’t want to blow this.

On the third day, I called and she answered. She actually remembered me, and I was very excited. She invited me to a small house party that she was hosting, and really hoped I could make it. I may have jumped up and down, but I don’t remember exactly how it played out.

I vividly recall picking up a case of Heineken; her favorite beer. I figured with a case of beer, I’d be a shoe-in. I showed up about 45 minutes after the party started. I didn’t want to seem too overzealous. I played it cool the best I could.

I arrived to the door, buzzed, and she let me in. I exhaled and prepared for an amazing night. I pictured us flirting, drinking, making bad decisions. I’d never hooked up with a girl this hot before, and imagined if she kissed the same way as mere mortal women did.

I entered the apartment and was met by Kim. She looked incredible. A tight dress clung to her fit body. I couldn’t believe this girl actually wanted to hook up with me.

I looked around and noticed about a dozen people chilling in her apartment. At first I thought it was just a regular party. Then as I looked closer, I did a double take, and realized it was all dudes. They waited on her hand and foot and were at her beck and call. I placed my case of beer next to a dozen others. I was just another nice guy that completed the baker’s dozen.

Our next stop was a bar. Thirteen guys surrounded this ultra hot chick. I took some time to get to know the others guys. One she met a bar, another at the gym, and another on the subway. She made conversation, batted her eyes, and pulled us all in.

We all hoped tonight would be the night. We would party with her, hang with her, and see what her bedroom looked like. But instead, we were just part of the collection.




















After an hour, I gave up. A few other guys left with me. It was like an episode of The Bachelorette. Maybe she was weeding us out. She wanted to see who would commit the longest. I lost in the early rounds. I don’t know want happened to the other guys, but I imagine they went home empty handed as well.

As I walked home, I realized I was a victim of the boy collector.

I swore to myself that this would never happen again, but history has a way of repeating itself.

I met another type of boy collector just months later. She was a lot more direct with her hobby, but looking back, I’m not shocked I fell victim to her scheme as well.

I met this girl dating online. She was a fairly attractive brunette. She wasn’t hot, but was cute, and her confidence exuded a sort of sexiness.

It took a while for her to warm up. Maybe it was my charm or the whiskey, but she started to laugh at my jokes. She crossed her legs toward me, and her hands casually touched mine. Any dating guru would tell you these were green lights.

Her body language was an A+, but her words contradicted all of her actions. She had hit the honesty stage and was telling me about her past relationships. She took it one step further and told me about all the guys she was currently dating. She had a date the night before, one tomorrow night, and another one that weekend, all with different guys.

She wasn’t bragging or trying to make me jealous, but was more just a matter of fact. She liked having countless guys take her out and even admitted that she had no real interest in dating or hooking up with them. It was as if she kept us on the shelf and only took us out when she felt like it. She basically told me up front that she was a boy collector, but my brain didn’t register because she kept touching my leg with her fingernails.

When the overpriced bill came, I slapped down my credit card without hesitation. Sure, it was a little pricey, but I didn’t care. Things were going in the right direction.  

We left the bar and headed back to her place. When we arrived, her roommates were home. That’s when my date looked at me and pleaded for a deal. “Don’t tell them we met online. Pretend we work together, and you’re in real estate. OK?”

At this point, what was I gonna say? I nodded my head in agreement.

We entered her living room, and I met two male roommates who were ecstatic to see her (poor guys--they were already part of her collection.) They grilled me about real estate, and I made up answers on the spot. Luckily, everyone was satisfied. 

Somebody made me a drink, and I consumed it on a Lazy-boy. My date was across the room pretending I was a work acquaintance, and barely acknowledging my existence. I made conversation with everyone the best I could. (Part of me hoped that if I were social, my date would be turned on. Girls like the idea of men who get along with their friends.)

Unfortunately, my friendliness did nothing except get me a free vodka and soda. I sat through an agonizing episode of reality TV. I hoped my date would show me her bed or at least her room, but it never happened.

When the show ended, it was time to go. My date didn’t even show me to the door. I knew where it was. Plus, she had to get ready for her date the following night. She was going to the Mets game with another dude. I wondered if he was going to get any...probably not.

He would just be the next victim of the boy collector. 

Sunday, August 1, 2010

You might be a Nice Guy if…


YOU HOLD PURSES

The female can always smell out the nice guy, and he always obliges to hold her purse. At first, it’s cute. The man will make a joke out of it: “How does this look on me? “It matches my shirt.” “Purses aren’t so bad.” But after holding it for the fifth time, even the nice guy gets annoyed. But he still holds it anyways because he’s a nice guy.



YOU HELP SUPER-DRUNK WOMEN

When girls get too drunk, the nice guy comes in to save the day. While many men will want to take advantage of her, the nice guy will come to protect her. He will get her water, and find her a place to sit. Super-drunk women always lose their phone, camera and best friend; the nice guy will do his best to find all three. Once they are retrieved, the nice guy is brushed aside and forgotten. But his work is done. He has helped yet another super-drunk girl get home safely.

YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH STRIPPERS





















(Nice guys attend strip clubs because they are human males. Just because they’re nice, doesn’t mean they don’t want to see attractive girls naked.)

Nice guys want to save everyone and that includes strippers. During the lap dance, the nice guy usually strikes up a riveting conversation with her. It seems that he and Bambi have a lot in common, and she’s really quite beautiful inside and out. By mid-song, the nice guy believes he and Bambi have something special. He feels bad that Bambi strips, and thinks that she should finish her college education and get her dream job as a nurse.

Three lap dances later, the nice guy gives Bambi a large tip and then heads back to his friends. He declares his love for Bambi, and by the end of the night, he will get her number. Bambi then ventures to the champagne room with another guy. The nice guy hangs his head in shame. He feels betrayed and wonders how Bambi could have done this to him.

SUPER HOT GIRLS DON’T HIT ON YOU

Super Hot Girls don’t hit on the nice guy. Sure, the nice guy may attract girls occasionally, but never Super Hot Girls. If a Super Hot Girl hits on a nice guy, it is for one of the following reasons.

1)    She is selling him something. This happens with bartenders and promoters; common jobs for Super Hot Girls. They will flirt with the nice guy hoping he spends a lot of money or signs up for something stupid.

2)     She is trying to steal from him. The Super Hot Girl does not just hit on a nice guy. It’s possible she’s setting him up for something bad.

3)    She’s really a man.

4)    She’s underage. There’s always an angle if a Super Hot Girl hits on a nice guy. In this case, the girl looks the part, but she’s really a lot younger then she should be. Since she’s out of her element, the nice guy is one of the people she’s not intimidated by. So she may approach him. The nice guy is excited until she starts referring to myspace and uses expressions like ‘like’, ‘lol’, and ‘omg.’ The nice guy starts to panic. He tries the “Who has a funnier ID picture?” line so he can inspect her age more closely, and asks what college she graduated from again. The nice guy realizes something is off, but is still in denial. The nice guy doesn’t give up until his friends come into the picture. Since they don’t have a shot of getting laid by the Super Hot Girl, they’re not looking at her through I-may-get-laid-by-a-Super-Hot-Girl glasses. Instead, they can easily tell she’s underage and very much off limits. It’s another tough break for the nice guy.  

5)     She’s a prostitute. Many prostitutes, especially in Brazil and Vegas, don’t fit the stereotypical prostitute look. They are dressed in normal evening-wear and blend in with the night crowd which confuses the nice guy. The Super Hot Girl spots him a mile away. She makes eye contact with him and smiles, and he is immediately giddy. He thinks that this Super Hot Girl is really into him. Maybe it’s his new cologne or new shirt; either way, he’s feeling it. When she proposes they go back to his room after only five minutes, the nice guy starts growing skeptical. He asks if she’s really a student? She finally tells him the truth. He feels betrayed and disappointed, and starts understanding the rule: Super Hot Girls don’t just hit on nice guys. 

PEOPLE ASK YOU FOR DIRECTIONS AND MONEY

People will always seek out the nice guy for directions. The nice guy possesses a non-threatening and approachable look. They could ask anyone for directions (the policeman next you or the guy with the map), but somehow the nice guy is always the first choice. 

When nice guys walk down the street, the homeless, Greenpeace, and petitioners always sniff him out. The nice guy cannot come up with an excuse fast enough, and therefore he must speak to these people. He usually ends up giving money, signing a petition, or sponsoring a child in Africa.

YOU GIVE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE TO THE GIRL THAT YOU LIKE

The nice guy always becomes friends with an attractive girl that he likes. He’s too nervous to pursue her because he doesn’t want to ruin the friendship. They become great friends; i.e. they basically become a couple without the hooking up. They go to dinners, the movies, and flirt a lot. But most of the time, the nice guy gives the girl relationship advice. He knows her current boyfriend is a dud, but he must swallow his pride and not say anything. The nice guy desperately wants to be with this girl, but he’s trapped in the friendship zone.

The nice guy eventually reveals his true love for the girl. The girl lets him down softly and then he is depressed. He can’t believe he wasted all that time. But many times, the nice guy meets someone else, and then goes back to being great friends with the girl. And it actually works this time because they’re both in relationships.

YOU BUY GIRLS DRINKS

When the nice guy converses with a pretty girl, he feels that he owes her at least one drink. The nice guy knows she’s going to ditch him as soon as the drink hits her hand, but he buys it anyway. Part of him believes that one of these days, he will meet a nice girl who will actually have the drink and keep talking to him.  

YOU ARE CHIVALROUS

A nice guy always knows when to hold a door open, help carry groceries for the elderly, or just say: “bless you.” He has a natural 6th sense when it comes to helping people. The nice guy could be jogging through the city, and out of the corner of his eye, spot someone in need. Like an anonymous superhero, he saves the day, asks for no reward, and then just continues jogging on his merry way.  

YOU MAKE SURE EVERYONE ELSE IS HAPPY

The nice guy likes to make sure everyone else is happy. This is very noticeable on dates as the nice guy may ask repeatedly: “Are you having a good time?” This is also noticeable at parties as the nice guy is willing to sacrifice time and energy to make sure his friends are having a good time.

The nice guy has trouble making decisions because he doesn’t want to disappoint anyone. He is often heard uttering the phrase: “It doesn’t matter to me…whatever makes you happy.”

YOU TAKE PICTURES FOR OTHER PEOPLE

The nice guy will always be there when a group of girls need their picture taken. He waits patiently as the girls change spots to prepare for the camera. He’s even willing to wait as the girls examine the photo and decide whether another one needs to be taken. The nice guy secretly hopes that this gesture will allow him to talk to the girls further. But once the picture is taken, he is no longer needed.

YOU GET FLAKED ON

The nice guy is punctual and reliable. When he makes plans with someone, he follows through. He assumes that everyone else is the same way, but sadly, they are not. As a result, the nice guy gets stood up or flaked on more than anyone else. 

BOUNCERS HATE YOU

Bouncers hate nice guys because it gives them someone to pick on and make them feel cool. The nice guy adds nothing to the bouncer’s life: he will not bribe him because he doesn’t know how; he will not bring super-hot girls because he can’t (see above); and he will not have any connections to cool people because he’s just an ordinary guy. Instead, the nice guy tries to treat the bouncer like a real person which is a big mistake. He will ask how the night is going or if he saw the big game. The bouncer doesn’t like being treated as an equal. As a result, the bouncer takes advantage of the nice guy. He will make him wait, and make fun of his clothes and haircut because what is the nice guy going to do about it. Nothing. The nice guy will only complain to his friends, and in the end the he will just sit there and take it. 

YOU FALL IN LOVE WITH BARTENDERS
















The nice guy has an infatuation with beautiful smiles, heavy cleavage, and girls that serve drinks. The nice guy will fall in love with at least one bartender in his lifetime. He will attend the bar regularly, and tip the bartender excessive amounts of cash hoping one day they will fall in love. The bartender confuses the nice guy because she flirts with him (part of her job—once again see above.) The nice guy truly thinks he has a shot with her until he realizes she has a boyfriend. Afterwards, he will claim that he didn’t like her anyways, and will stop going to that bar.

YOU PRETEND NOT TO HIT ON GIRLS

When a nice guy hits on a girl, he masks his disappointment when she drops the boyfriend bomb. Instead, he expresses interest in her relationship to prove that he was not just hitting on her. He will inexplicably ask what the boyfriend does for a living, how they met, and how great it would be to meet him. If the boyfriend is there and comes by, the nice guy will say hello, and the boyfriend will scoop up the girlfriend quickly to show his domain.  The nice guy will even go so far as to talk the man as well. He will ask idiotic questions just to prove once again that he’s a nice guy and was definitely not hitting on somebody else’s girl.

YOU LAMENT ABOUT BEING A NICE GUY

At least one point in his life, the nice guy will wish he wasn’t so nice. It could be after losing a girl to the “bad” guy or after someone takes advantage of him. He will attempt to be a jerk for a few moments, but will give up quickly when he realizes his true calling: he’s a nice guy.